Trying not to complain

Still really struggling with this latest bout of depression. It was particularly hard today as my brother and his family visited and all I wanted was to hide away on my own, it was nice seeing the joy as my nephews and niece opened their presents, but I spent the entire time fighting back tears. Even when my youngest nephew threw himself at me for a hug. I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything would be ok.

I might sound antisocial or grumpy but christmas isn't my favourite time of the year as I get so anxious about the gifts I give, whether they will be liked or not. This combined with a lack of communication from my mother, apart from a card, is probably adding to prolonging this latest bout of depression. Plus both my photography class and my therapy are not running so the routine which helps slightly are not in place.

I know I have people who love me but at 2353 as I write this I feel unbearably lonely.

Keeping busy

I've been keeping myself busy this last ten days, but my depression is still bad. Often I know the cause but this time all I can think is thats it an accumulation of stuff. In part its Christmas I get so worked up about presents I have bought for people I love.

I also am getting so worked up about what people think of decisions I make about my life, these decisions don't affect them but I still worry. I wish I could stop it I have tried but find it impossible to stop.

Slowly Learning

I finished my present shopping today, unlike previous years instead of the internet this was done in town. I wanted something specific from Boots but despite two of us looking I couldn't find it, in the past I would have walked out of the shop without it. This time though I plucked up the courage and asked an assistant if they had it. She not only told me where it might be but also looked up if they had any in stock, when I went to the area the only one they had was broken so I went to the till and asked about it and another assistant went and got one for me. I walked out pleased that by talking to two people I got my reward by getting the present that I really wanted for someone.

Continue Despite Tears

Been crying on and off since last night, crying so hard at points that I started to shake. I know what triggered it but just don't know how to stop feeling like this. With a result of this everything feels like its conspiring against me. I wanted to print a few pieces out for my A level coursework but for a good half hour my printer wouldn't work and I couldn't see why, I managed to fix it just before I threw it across the room.

All I want to do is hide away from the world, instead I got up earlier than normal and have got on with things, college work, housework and baking. Being busy hasn't stopped the tears but who knows the state I would be in if I hadn't been. It gets frustrating when I am no longer hiding, I am doing my therapy, keeping busy, but still feel awful.

Time and time again people in the medical profession tell me I am doing things right, but if this is the case why am I writing this with tears rolling down my face. At this moment in time I want two things someone to tell me when this will end,, and someone to put their arms round me and tell me they will help me get through this.

Beyond Tired

Sunday night I managed not to hide away when a visitor came to the house, which in the past I have done.

Today I have had to really push myself. I had group therapy this morning, Which due to the issues others were bringing up was a very hard session especially for some of the thoughts it triggered in my head.

This afternoon in the past I would have gone for a nap, but instead I decided to tackle a project which involves making patterns before I can do the sewing.

I believe if I hadn't been busy this afternoon I would not have made it to photography this evening.

But I made it to photography and whilst the others went out to take photos in and around Singleton Park I stayed on my own going  between the studio and dark room.

At home and I am beyond shattered as I have had to dig deep physically and mentally. But I am trying hard to hang on to the fact that I did accomplish stuff today.

Still Trying

My plan to try and do something even if I am feeling bad continues. Had a really bad night, but today I have managed to leave the house, including at one point going into a local charity shop on my own whilst Dad had to go off to another shop a small distance away. I then cooked tea, which was nice despite not turning out quite how I hoped, then this evening I baked a chocolate courgette cake. Baking to me is very muched linked with my confidence so to bake when I'm not 100% is a positive step forward.

Trying

Despite feeling rough mentally and physically, I managed to make two loaves of bread. I am trying hard on bad days to do something, anything. Anything to try and suppress the depression. I can still feel it bubbling under, for the last two weeks I have been crying myself to sleep, I have no idea why, what is causing this latest bout. It is causing my insomnia to be really bad and to cause migraines. But I am not allowing it to beat me completely, hence the plan to day something small everyday.

Others

One of my current wishes for my recovery is for me to stop worrying about what other people think of me and my decisions. I know that I don't live in a bubble, so my decisions can impact upon others, those aren't the things I'm talking about.

I am well aware of things that I am not doing, that I know others would not hesitate to do, because I have become paralysed by the thought of what others will think. I know that if my friends are true friends then it shouldn't matter, but I am so scared, it is a true fear, that I have become paralysed to do nothing. This is also linked with my fear of making a mistake. This fear hit hard in my photography class last week when my experiments in pinhole photography and photographic paper didn't appear to be working, despite encouragement from my lecturer I came so close to giving up.

I know I am going to struggle with changing this thought process of wanting to please, and fear of the perception of doing something wrong. But I also know that I have to do this in order to have the opportunity to move on.

A Little Bit of History Repeating Itself

Well my Mother has done it again, emailed me about something and not enquired how I am or what I am doing. Its hard when your own mother seems to play so little interest in you, whenever I email her I do ask how she is etc. I am trying to deal with this apparent indifference from her but I still find it hard, especially when I am struggling to deal with other things. Crying myself to sleep continues I wish I knew the causes so that at least I could try and do something about it.

I have been trying especially hard this week, I have been to therapy and stayed in my photography class despite things not working with my pinhole camera. I have also been out several times, and have been better at noticing when things need doing around the house, this is a really positive sign for me because normally I am so wrapped up in the idea of hiding and the fear of getting something wrong that I don't normally notice.

Achievement

Its been a tough day, despite a lack of sleep and a headache I went to therapy this morning. It was a hard session once again. Then this evening I went to my photography class, it was hard going as I was using a pinhole camera I built and using photographic paper. I felt really frustrated that despite working hard for 3 hours all I produced was one under exposed negative. At one point I felt so frustrated that I almost left my stuff and ran home. I did stay, and will be going back next week to have another go.

Now back at home I am absolutely shattered, I ache from head to foot, and I am close to tears but I am glad I managed to achieve what I did.

Cutting times

The last three days I've been fighting a losing battle against my head. I have been crying most of the time and not even a comic by my favourite author or a Dr Who trailer has been able to raise any enthusiasm. Things got so bad last night, my head was so anxious for release, that despite not having access to a blade/knife I managed to use nail clippers to scratch my arm and stomach, I scratched my arm for release and my stomach was an expression of hatred of myself.

Today despite the continuing thoughts to damage myself further I have so far resisted temptation but the need to do it is growing along with the tears in my eyes. Stupid things can set me off, everything is totally personal. I was hoping to see someone tonight but for various reasons can't, instantly my head starts on at me that they don't want to see me, they want to avoid me when I'm like this, as a result the urge to cut grows and grows, but I really really don't want to give into it. Part of me wonders if I should post this entry tonight, whether this is an entry too far, but cutting is part of my illness and if I don't write about it, then this blog is not the true reflection of my journey that I want it to be.

It might sound silly for me to try and be positive while I feel like this but if I don't I know I will hurt myself. I haven't hidden away in bed today. I have gotten up and I have done stuff such as baking a loaf of bread, and making a batch of date slices.

Continuing

I had to decide whether I was going to continue my blog, this was due to someone strongly objecting to something I wrote. In the end I decided that I don't use names so it is difficult to identify people. Due to the method of her objection and the language used it made me question not only my blog but my life. In the end I decided that this blog helps me in some small way and thats all that counts. I could write more about the situation especially as the starements made and language used not only hurt but triggered my depression but Im not ready to put it here.

Been a busy day today,for me, involved not only helping with housework, going into a printers on my own and cooking a completely new recipe. I know being busy should help my depression but I am struggling a lot tonight, probably making worse because I think I should be feeling better because of what I've achieved today.

Still fighting

Having to fight hard tonight once again against my own head. Having to fight to smother and eventually ignore the thoughts of hurting myself, since the latest part of my diagnosis I understand why I have these thoughts, but understanding them doesn't prevent them fro happening or make them easier to deal with.

I know at least three reasons for this latest bout of self harm thoughts, which stem from a combination off my own self hatred and my minds need for a release from my thoughts. One cause is having to start to accept that my own mother doesn't care about me, if she doesn't care why should anyone else care. The other reasons come down to issues of trust, in one case where the not so little voice in my head is saying someone is avoiding me, the other case where someone hasn't believed me when I was I'll with a throat infection. This lack of trust and lack of caring from someone society hammers on and on that they should care, has resulted in my self hatred getting out of control. I am trying to fight the thoughts and have tried to occupy myself. The fight goes on.

Aarrrggghhhh

I was meant to be meeting my mother today to return her dog who we have been looking after since Friday, due to a really bad headache I couldn't make it. I spent the morning trying to call her landline and mobile phone as well as sending texts saying I couldn't make it, I didn't get hold of her making me feel really sick an anxious. Dad made me stay at home when he took the dog back. When he got home the first thing he said was he was glad I didn't go as my mother wasn't waiting where we had arranged. If I had gone I would have been in the place we arranged getting more and more anxious as time passed.

For some reason no matter how often I try and explain my mother doesn't accept or understand my social phobia. In the past I offered to meet at the Civic centre as I can get there on my own, her response was to say meet her in Waterstones in the centre of town on a Saturday. Social phobia is really easy I hate people, I really hate new situations, if you want to meet allow me to choose somewhere I feel relatively comfortable, I can cope with gigs as I hide in the dark by the back wall, but a room even with less people than at a gig which I feel/believe people can see me freaks me out.

Hard call

My dad and I are currently looking after my mothers dog mainly as a favour for my brother. My mother spoke to me on the phone tonight to arrange meeting to collect her dog, but not once did she ask how I was or what I was up to. So often we are bombarded with images of mother love, so when I don't get it I feel like its something that I've done wrong. I wish I could stop blaming myself for things that aren't my fault.

Bottling

I wish I could stop bottling stuff up. I wish I wasn't scared of disagreement/arguement. People make comments and instead of saying how the comments make me feel or giving my response I try to ignore but end up taking it on board and adding to the stuff I am bottling up. I have bottled stuff up inside for years but recently it has got worse. I know if I am to have a normal life I need to deal with this but like so many things I do not know how.

Struggled but achieved

Despite taking my prescribed sleeping tablet I failed to sleep last night. This lead to a bad tension headache so I missed therapy. But I did manage to make it to photography class, though I did feel like hiding or leaving early. I did stay it helps that both my lecturer and class mates are such lovely people. Trying hard now to find my confidence to do some film pinhole photography. I have the kit but as the film paper needs handling with care as it needs to remain in the dark before being used and then developed, for some reason I have it in my head it will all be a disaster and a waste of time and money even though I have no evidence to support these thoughts.

Increased understanding

Saw my psychiatrist this morning, he's really please with what I have achieved as far as the social phobia goes. He was surprised that I can now go into the garden , most times, without it triggering anxiety.

He wants me to try taking a sleeping tablet for a few weeks to try and get my sleeping into a pattern, he said that Drs don't like prescribing sleeping tablets as they just treat symptoms and not the cause, but he believes that if we can sort my sleep out my depression might improve slightly.

Its interesting talking with him as he never talks down to me, I told him about not eating chocolate late at night as its a stimulant, also no caffeinated drinks after 5 pm, he told that he automatically assumed that I would be doing what I could to help myself. We also discussed the fairly recent increase in thoughts of getting my wrists. I knew these thoughts felt very different to the thoughts when I want harm myself, he believes these thoughts are my minds way of expressing its need for release. He believes that this is due to me having some border personality disorder, which also explains my self loathing.

Instead of coming straight home Dad and I did some shopping ending up at the big marina Tescos. When dad went shopping in Tescos I waited in the cafe, having first ordered a drink, a huge step forward as in the past dad would have had to have got me the drink first. So my progress continues.

Two sides

I am fascinated that my brain can be both logical and illogical at the same time. Because the depression has been bad the overwhelming feeling of cutting my arms has returned, no matter what I am doing the idea remains of cutting my wrists, whether to end it all or to release the depression I'm not sure. At the same time I'm fascinated where these thoughts come from and how they relate to the depression, what ate the processes that are occurring to cause these thoughts as they haven't been present all the time I've had depression.

I am having also to learn to manage expectations. There are several things I want out of life and its important to learn to accept that some I my never have whilst others will take time. I have a fixation that the media fuels that its too late, that I'm too old. People/friends tell me I'm not but my minds thinks that they are just being nice. I will probably now never own my own home, but why in the UK do we place such a stigma on renting. My dream job of working overseas will probably not happen, but I can still get a good job. And for someone so logical and practical I am a romantic, the idea of surprises, and time together can still happen. With learning to manage expectations and learning patience will hopefully come some peace of mind.

Keeping going

Its been hard this week due to the after effects of Tuesday. Physically its a tough day as well as being long. I also have to deal with the effects of the group which last all week long as I try and process various things about the group. The hardest thing for me to deal with was what was probably a throwaway remark by someone in the group. It was a positive remark but it set off stuff thats in my head that somehow I have to find a way to deal with and to hopefully one day manage to leave behind me.

When for three days you've had a migraine it is tempting to stop doing the thing that caused it. But I'm not going to do that. I know I have to keep going to therapy and I know that for a while I might have a few rough days afterwards, but the more I go the easier it will become.

Didn't walk out

I had a struggle tonight in photography class, I almost packed my bag and walked out. Nothing happened in class to make me feel like this, just an overwhelming urge to get out and hide somewhere and cry. Despite being with several people I consider friends I felt overwhelmingly alone. Unfortunately despite doing some interesting work, I feel unbearably low, I had to fight back tears as I walked home and the moment I got through the door I started crying. Not even watching Morecombe and Wise has got me to stop.

Learning to relax

I got so worked up yesterday over something I shouldn't have got worked up over at all. As a result of getting worked up I've given myself a migraine and triggered my depression.

I know I need to learn how to relax but not quite sure how to, I also need to learn to control my anxiety so that it doesnt get as debilitating as it does currently. I did keep telling myself there was no need to get worked up but that didnt work. I now need to find techniques to stop the anxiety escalating once it starts.

Impatience

I've had enough. I wish this was over. I want a normal life. I want to be able to go to gigs, to go away for the weekend. I see trailers for films and wish to go.

I know that with time i should be able to recover, but it has been 14 plus years so far, I know I am impatient but how long do I ha to be patient for.

The depression has been bad the last week or so, as a result I've spent many evenings crying. I wish this would stop. Its hard when you do your therapy and take your tablets but dont seem to be really improving.

Trust Issues

I've always had problems trusting people. It does affect my relationships with people as I wonder why they want to know me, and also I'm not being prepared to open up. I wish I could learn to trust people but things in my pass, things that have happened to me, things that have been said to me, make this hard to do.

I know I have to work on this, but its hard when you are constantly questioning if what someone is saying to me is the truth or self serving lies.

Bad night

I normal write a maximum of a blog entry in a day, but I'm hoping that by putting what is happening down it might help.

It is currently 3.44am, I've had a long day but am unable to sleep. I've been crying for the pass two hours and don't look like stopping anytime soon. I wish I had someone to talk to, who could give me advice. When I was younger I was a part of a youth group of which my dad was leader, on numerous occasions someone from the group would come to the house to talk to my dad, I was so jealous as I didn't have a leader to talk to, and if I'm honest even if I had I would have found it so hard. This jealousy continues to this day when I see people who have someone they can turn to for advice/help.

I know most of my friends can turn to their friends, partners or mothers, why can't I turn to my friends. I think its because I am no longer really close to any friend, if I ever was, and am so scared (no exaggeration) of boring them, making them fed up with me. And I certainly can't talk to my mother who's communication with me in the last 12 months has been a handful of emails, despite living in the same city. I realise now that my blog only shows a small part of what is going on in my head, somehow I need an outlet for the rest, someone/somewhere who can help me reach decisions. I know I'm going to group therapy but the help I particularly need at the moment isn't going to come from there. I don't know where to turn.

Making an effort

Despite feeling lousy when I woke up I went to therapy. Its hard going I hate being in a group, plus I've always found it difficult to express myself. For some reason something was triggered in me and I ended up in floods, which I hate. I find it hard to cry in public. It is helpful to feel that I'm not alone that others have gone through similar feelings to me. Its hard admitting to strangers that you have had enough of life, that a combination of tiredness of fighting and loneliness has brought you so low.

This evening I had my photography class and managed to make it, its going to be hard for a while doing both in a day but I need to stick with it.

Hopefully due to tiredness and issues brought up in therapy I'm having a bad time now. But I know its important for me to keep going to both for my recovery.

Questioning

I wish I could stop questioning peoples motives, why do they want to talk to me, why do they say they care, what are they after. If someone says something nice about me or something I have done, I think they are just being nice.

I'm just waiting to be hurt, I wish I could stop this, but I feel that people are laugh at me behind my back. I know that this is due to my mental illness but it doesn't stop me feeling sick waiting for the betrayal.

Never good start when I'm crying before 9am, been crying on and off through the day, still managed to get pout into the garden to check my saffron crocus and pick blueberries, also made marmalade.

Busy day tomorrow with group therapy and photography class.

Another day

Had another bad day. I have tried to keep myself distracted but not too successfully. I realised how jealous I am of so many people, when they have something I want. Not possessions but someone who loves and cares for them.

I dont want much just my own place, a job and someone who cares about me.

I know this latest bout of depression is bad as im off food, and find things that normally interest me I struggle to do. I dont know where to turn what to do. I know ive been here before and got through it. But it doesnt stop the pain/ hurt I am going through at the moment.

Off again

I'm going downhill fast once again, I got myself into a bit of a state over meeting someone new, causing myself a migraine. That was a week ago, and added with other things going on that for some reason I refuse to share I'm in a real state.

I have had to push myself to get anything done this week, as all I want to do is hide, not helped by having a throat infection and an abscess on my gum.

I am going through another bout of why am I bothering, my fears about my future have increased so much that when I think about the future I have been physically sick. I haven't gone don't the why me route, its not fair, instead my head is filled with anxiety and panic. I have tried thinking about other things, trying to distract myself but nothing has worked. I know that I have felt like this before and recovered but there is always the fear that one time I won't.

Life has become too much, overwhelming, I no longer know where to turn, it feels like I'm totally alone.

Very bad dreams

Had a dream today that was so based on a really bad event in my life, and the dream felt so real that I woke up crying. The aftermath of the dream is my derepression had kicked off big time. The most annoying thing about this is first I have no control over my dreams, plus I was going well, today I managed to get myself up and made myself a cup of tea, plus had got a few jobs done all before 12. I needed a nap due to only sleeping 3 hours last night and this was when I had the bad dream. The problem with this is now I know I will become even more scared to go to sleep.

Paralysing

There are many things I want to do or try but fear ( no other word for it) of failure is stopping me. I love the idea of pinhole photography and have for sometime had the parts to convert a DSLR camera into a pinhole camera, but have kept putting it off as I was so scared of getting it wrong. I have finally made it, but I'm still not sure if the results are any good or not, even if I'm told they are I think the person is being nice. I wish I could get over this. I try but every time I want to try something new the fear emerges.

I managed to go into town today, and even walk through Swansea market on my own. This is a big deal as town was busy, and I knew this before we went it. Plus I would be walking round something new, as there was a food festival in town. One thing that happens when I'm out is I get something called disassociation, basically my vision is like it would be if I've had several very large alcoholic drinks, which makes going round somewhere new an interesting challenge.

I had to face today how bad my social phobia has become, as I love good ice cream, and at the food festival was a stall selling farmhouse ice cream, but I wouldn't buy it as I would have had to eat it out in town, and I'm so terrified of what people would think if they see me eating, especially something like an ice cream.

Worrying times

Not been to good recently, but still managed to earn three stars this week. I ad therapy, last but one session, again hard but helpful. My therapist is pleased with my progress so far. It is interesting as I felt I hadn't made much progress, but she was really pleased with what I had achieved. The simple fact that I spontaneously going into the garden is a huge step forward.

She was a bit concerned with my obsessional thought of cutting my wrists, which is now occurring whenever I am depressed and not just when I am at a extremely low point. The reason she is concerned is when you are at an extremely low point you don't have the energy to do anything about it. But she gave me a few techniques to try and fight the thought, including telling the poison parrot, that sits on my shoulder knocking the positive thoughts, to shut up. Its hard sometimes when I try to look to the future and this poison parrot knocks it, for example I have a wish to go to San Diego Comic con, but the moment I do the parrot starts telling me I will never be able to afford it, I wont get tickets, I'll feel stupid being there on my own, billy no mates, and on and on and on.

All I can do for the time being is to keep trying and thinking one hour at a time at the moment.

Bug

The last few days I've had a bug which has left me more tired than usual, but unfortunately my insomnia has kicked in full force. One advantage is my dad caught it and has admitted to me it has given him a better understanding of how tired I feel due to the depression. It isn't just a sleepy tiredness its a feeling that my limbs have been totally drained of energy and have been filled with lead, even typing this blog tonight is a real effort, physical and mental. I have mentioned it before but many people when they think about depression they just think of someone being sad, but there is so much more to it.

Despite all this and a lack of sleep, I have been out into the garden, and done a few jobs around the house. The best thing about going into the garden is that I no longer have to psyche myself up before I go out despite the fact that I know others are using their garden/balconies which overlook mine. Today despite having depression that makes me feel like I want to find a cave or a whole in the ground, my duvet is not enough to hide me, I was out int the garden for several minutes weeding before I thought to look around, like a wary animal.

The power of photography

Yesterday i managed to be in the garden for about half an hour without having an anxiety attack. I was lured out by my new camera, I worked out that this was the longest period i had spent in the garden this year.

Despite waking up with a bad headache this morning I managed to get up and ended up shortening three pairs of trousers, a job I've been putting off as I was scared of getting it wrong. I also managed to go out into the garden this time lured by the idea of fresh raspberries and blueberries.

Now just to deal with a bad thought I get everytime I start to get depressed. Its hard to deal with as it fills my mind even when I try to focus on something else. It isn't the same as when I get the self harm thoughts but is just as hard to deal with.

Still trying

It might sound silly but I'm plessed with one achievement this week the fact that on my down/quiet days when I have had headaches I have still managed to get up and dressed.

I had hoped to take some photos today but due to a bad night sleep I wasn't in the best frame of mind to do this. So I plan to try again tomorrow. Though on the plus side I so far haven't allowed the infection in my mouth to trigger my depression, and I have been out of the house into the garden.

It seems photography is really playing a role in my recovery.

No star today

No surprising after the week I have had I haven't been out today, as I have decided that I can only have one star a week for going into the garden. On the plus side despite my headache I have gotten up and dressed, and I did some baking. This is especially good as I find baking is very much confidence based for me, I get so anxious about getting it right, despite the fact that I have been baking on and off for years. So recently I haven't done much baking as my confidence has been so low, despite the fact that my confidence is still extremely low dad has encouraged me to do some baking, and I encouraged myself as it dawned on me that the cakes I would bake would be a good prop for a photo I want to take for the international geek penpals group.

Four Stars

Due to a dentist appointment I earned another gold star, thirds means that this week I have left the house four days in a row, this is definitely progress as there have been months where I haven't left the house four times in the whole month. But I'm not going to make the mistake of pushing myself to hard I am going to stick to my plan of ensuring that I leave the house a minimum of three times.

I know some might think that as I've managed four times this week what is stopping me doing it again, this week was different due to appointments, and in the past I have tried to run before I can walk and as a result have gone backwards. My therapist agrees that if I can manage three days a week leaving the house I will be doing well. I'm not saying once I've been out three times I won't go out again , but instead three is my minimum target.

Show me the way to my bed

Well three gold stars so far this week, that's three days going out and doing a few jobs round the house. No wonder tonight I'm shattered it would be nice to have a full nights sleep. I hope so as I will be earning another star tomorrow as I have to visit my lovely dentist for her to have a workout removing one of my teeth.

Had therapy today which involved shopping, and sitting on a bench in town. This might sound ideal to some but the last time I went into the shop we went to today I had a full blown panic attack, as for sitting on the bench in the sun it just meant more time when people can see me. I had hoped to do some photography in town, but a combination of heat, lack of sleep, busy town, meant that I didn't think trying to use a camera, which I can just about turn on, was a good idea.

I have been very reluctant in showing strangers my photographs, but when a friend signed me up to a photo group on Facebook I took on the challenge and didn't just ignore it. I post a photo yesterday and have had several very nice remarks about it, so planning photography shoot for tomorrow or Friday for another group I belong to.

Half and half

I sometimes think my head is against me, I have a new camera to play with, the weather is lovely and I am improving after my latest bout of depression and increased social phobia, yet due to a bad headache I couldn't get out much today.

After yesterday though I'm not really surprised I have a headache. By this afternoon though I could feel the depression creeping up on me so I decided that despite the physical pain it would cause I would get up and do a few things. It frequently is a balancing act in order to keep the depression at bay.

One of my loves is photography, this has got me out on occasions when I would have found an excuse not to. A friend, who frequently encourages my photography, signed me onto a Facebook photography group who have weekly themes, this week is paper and today I plucked up the courage to post a photograph, though it did mean I was shaking for a while afterwards.

One very tired step.

Last night I decided to play my brain at its own game. By that I mean I planned to use one of its issues against it and in my recoveries favour. One of my many issues is letting people down, no what whether its true or just in my head. I used this in my advantage, I asked my friends last night on Facebook to think of me or nag me to get to Hafal. I hadn't been for quite some time, plus during the time I haven't been there they have moved into temporary room. So I had the combined issues of not having been there for a while and going somewhere new.

I was so worked up I didn't sleep but instead of taking that as an excuse not to go I got up and went to Hafal, it was hard especially having to walk through a door when I had no idea who would be on the other side, I do prefer doors with glass in them. I managed to stay for just over an hour, and providing the dentist isn't too bad on Thursday I plan to go for another hour then.

Try again

I'm one of those people who benefits from schedules and preplanning. I have tried to use this to help my recovery, but so far no luck. But this doesn't mean I have given up. As previous attemptd haven't worked then time to try something else, I think one reason it hadn't worked is that I think I have tried to do too much too soon. So the new plan is to concentrate on doing something every other for the next few months or till on the quiet days I dont feel ill. I feel that this might work.

Progress of sort

Despite yet another headache I managed to get up and dressed this morning, before doing a few jobs around the house. My biggest challenge was answering the front door, more difficult than normal as Dad was out, but I did it. Another shock I gave Dad was that I did some ironing, not easy to do when you are shaking as much as I had today. These few things I have done today might not seem a big deal but they are to me especially answering the door as I had no idea who it might be.

Tomorrows challenge is the answer the door if knocked, and to go to Hafal, which has moved to a location that I haven't been to yet.

Shattered

I am absolutely shattered, my therapist has put me forward to join a psychodynamic therapy group when I finish with her, and today I had an interview with the leader of the group on order to find out if I am suitable and would gain from attending the group. This meant an hour interview with a stranger, talking over my history as a result I am absolutely drained. I find this happens every time i have therapy or have to speak about myself for any period of time. It is also draining when you have it pointed out how ill you have been, but the positive thing is she told me my therapist is pleased with the effort I have been making. Its hard sometimes to realise what progress I have made.

Despite being so tired on my way home I did manage to walk two blocks of a busy street as Dad made a detour to get some bread.

Now I am drained physically and mentally, curled up on the sofa hoping not to have to move for sometime.

Achievement?

The last couple of days i havent been too good and had to cancel my coffee appointment, and couldn't cross off my activity schedule. I took sleeping tablets, though I hate taking them. I knew I needed a good nights sleep and the way i am at the moment only sleeping tablets would give me that.

When i got up as the weather wasn't very good dad asked if I wanted to go into town. We planned to do a little shopping and then to a shop out of town, unfortunately after a few shops i had to go home. Despite a break for a cup of tea, this was in part due to a bad panic attack in WHSmiths, I am trying to remain in a place till a panic attack goes, but this one felt so bad I had to leave. In fact several hours later I am still feeling the effects. The plus side was Dad saying he can't remember the last time I wandered into so many shops, so therapy for the generalised side of the social phobia is beginning to work.

Struggling On

The depression is still bad, and this time has triggered the thoughts of self harming. But I am trying hard to help myself. I got up earlyish this morning and have tried to keep busy, sorting out photographs on my macbook, and making flapjacks. This I hope will eventually reverse the depression or at the worse stop it from getting worse. It is hard when my IBS is bad and my depression drains me of all energy to get up and do things, but I know if I don't the depression will get worse.

Trying still

It is said that one problem with the internet is the fact that the person you are chatting to online could be anyone, you would think this would be a bonus for a social phobic like me. This isn't the case even when online I struggle and can have panic attacks. So the thought of me joining a penpal group and to chat on the forums is something I still can't believe I have done.

I join the international geek girl pen pal group and after posting a comment about trouble I was having with penpals vanishing I got myself a new penpal, she sent me a parcel of bits and pieces which arrived this morning and cheered me up a bit. So it goes to show by making an effort I get something back. Now I just need to put together a parcel to send her.

Trying to stay positive

It hard to break the cycle of depression once it starts, especially as my anxiety and depression can trigger my migraines. Today it wasn't a migraine instead it was a tension headache that meant every time I moved I felt my head might explode.

This meant I wasn't able to make it to Hafal, which in turn results in more depression and the cycle goes on. But I'm trying not to give in to look at the positives, it is surprising how small things can help, last night a friend messaged me to ask if I was OK, and I managed to invite her for a coffee next week, a huge step for me. Just being contacted by friends means so so much, and helps me get through the following hour. It can be tempting when the depression starts to put things off till I feel better, instead I'm trying to plan things.

Another day

Well I've made it to another day, mainly through watching cartoons on YouTube. Last nights episode has left me absolutely exhausted.

After yesterday's blog one of my friends suggested phoning a few friends and when I thought about this I had a panic attack, the thought terrified me. It took me sometime to analyse this and to work out why, part of it is the absolute fear of rejection, fear that is paralysing me, I am so scared that my friends have moved on and don't want to know me and I'm afraid of interfering with their lives.

Here we go again

I have just got over a bout of depression but seem to be heading for another bout already. This is probably due to a number of reasons, getting over a bad migraine that has meant I haven't been able to do anything including reading for several days, the realisation that I won't achieve my dreams, extreme feelings of loneliness.

Its little things that keep adding up with a result head downwards. Due to allergies and food intolerance there are very few take always I can have, as a treat there is a sandwich place nearby that does gorgeous sandwiches, so had my favourite today and for the first time it triggered my IBS, this might not sound major but getting stomach cramps after something you think of as a treat just adds to the pile.

There is a saying that committing suicide is not allowing things to get better, but what do you do if you truly believe that things won't get better. People have said to me about getting my anti depressants changed, I wish it was as easy as that, unfortunately I am on my 5th different anti depressant and have been told by my psychiatrist that if these don't work then there is nothing else to try, even if there was something else to try its not like going from one painkiller to another, it would involve coming off my existing medication over a couple of weeks and then gradually going on to the new medication all of which takes at least a month.

Another issue at the moment is taking things too personally, people might say something on the radio about people who are obese, single or on benefits and I assume they are taking directly about me, I know this isn't logical they don't know me but this doesn't stop the active illogical part of my brain latching on to it.

I know I live with my dad but currently I am overwhelmed, no other word for it, with a feeling of loneliness and isolation, I don't know how to break this. I just want a so called normal life where I can go out with friends instead of hiding away. I know I can't goon like this as it is killing me but I have no idea at all of how to change things.

Still here

Another day of struggling on, its getting a bit monotonous, I try to help my recovery, I do my therapy, the depression starts and I have to fight against it.

Each time I wonder if I have the strength, physical and mental to fight it. I know that I have beaten it so fat, and in all probability I will beat it this time but still the thought is lurking in my head is this it, is this the bout of depression that finally beats me.

I am trying to think of positive things regarding the progress so far, but all that overwhelms my mind is, so what, what have I achieved, what's it really worth. Despite the pieces of paper I have collected that say I have achieved this and that what do they really mean. I would swap them all tomorrow to be well, to be happy. I sometimes wonder if I have forgotten what it is to be truly happy.

When I was younger I had a dream about what I wanted from my life, I didn't want much, I wanted to work abroad, preferably Africa, for a charity, I wanted somewhere nice to live, not fancy but somewhere that was mine, I wanted a good hi-fi system and I wanted someone to love me. Its hard when you realise/believe that the only dream that will come true is that I might one day get a decemnt hi-fi. I know not everybody achieves their dreams but when mine were comparatively small its hard to have to let go of them

Late late edition

Had two lots of therapy today, both involved me being in town and going into shops. I find this hard but I did it. My main therapist is pleased with my progress and said its my stubborn streak that has got me this far, especially after the nauseous I felt on my way in to therapy, which means walking through town.

I voluntarily faced a couple of places that I find difficult, some shops are worse than others, including the market. On several occasions I was left on my own with my therapist remaining within eyesight. After these occasions I was visibly shaking but I did it.

My one wish at the moment is that my depression would cooperate, I had a tough but productive day, I am making progress, but I'm struggling. It maybe the tiredness, but the depression I have been fighting for the last week has made it to the surface and is beginning to envelop me. I know most people say depression is a black dog but to me its like a duvet cover, currently I'm inside trying to find my away out, the more I turn the more enmeshed I become. I now there is a way out but I've lost it and only a violent reaction to the situation seems to be the answer.

I want to try and put into words how this bout of depression is making me feel. Worthless, alone, solitary, hopeless, pathetic. Overwhelming feelings. I keep hearing people in my head saying if you don't love yourself then no one will love you. As I at this time hate myself my brain is playing this over and over as a loop in my head, a reminder of the fact that no could love me. I find this hard. I know I have friends but the self sabotaging part of my brain instantly responds they have their own lives, I'm boring them, they are fed up with my self pitying.

The logical part of my brain knows about the sabotaging, but it can't or won't fight it.

I am trying to end this on a positive note, though it feels false. Its been a tough week with several anxiety/panic attacks with no apparent triggers, but I made it to photography and therapy.

Tonights photography class

Tonights photography class was gone to due to a huge stubborn streak. I had a rough nights sleep and then later had a bad anxiety attack that I just stopped becoming a panic attack. I still don't know what triggered it as I was watching a cookery at the time, not a normally anxiety causing medium. I am trying to find my anxiety and depression triggers not to avoid those situations/causes but to help me cope.

I knew I had to go to my photography class tonight as its the final one of the year, so paperwork stating that its my work needed signing. All being well I will be doing the second part of this course starting in Septemberr

Trouble with anxiety

When the majority of people think about anxiety they remember the brief butterflies before an exam or new situation. I wish my anxiety was at that level, it is what I'm aiming for.

To give you an example of how anxiety has become out of control in my life, I have mentioned the social phobia before but the example I want to give is how I became so worked up over a very trivial item I triggered my depression, a bad headache and a sleepless night. Last night I decided I wanted to read a certain book, I was 100% sure that I had bought the book and that it was in my bedroom but I couldn't find it. Instead of leaving it and looking for it the next day, I started moving things round trying to find it. Its not like I don't have other books to read, or that couldn't afford to buy another copy, but these logical thoughts only stayed in my head briefly. I had to stop looking in the end as I had worked myself up so much. Had to spend today reminding myself that last nights actions were a result of my illness, this is not to give me a get out of trying to get better instead it is a way of trying to find a balance so I do recover and not allow this to bring me down again.

One small step for average

I'm still fighting this latest bout of depression, which is affecting my sleep. Despite lack of sleep I managed to go out to Hafal. I didn't go out this afternoon with the photography group as the effort of getting to Hafal was such that going out would have been too much for me, especially as I had a tutorial on recovery this afternoon.

This afternoon group tutorial was looking at confidence, when it came to talking about an achievement we are proud about, I broke down in tears, I could mention things that I had succeeded in but nothing I could say I was proud about. The moment I try to think of something I am proud of I start self sabotaging. Yes but..... Is a phrase frequently heard in my head.

After Hafal I walked most of the way home on my own, this is a giant step forward as of the two routes home I could go both involve walking along a busy road at 5pm, and to add to this I didn't have my headphones and mp3 player with me.

I am absolutely shattered now, and plan to hopefully start on a new sleep regime that hopefully will eventually help me get a full nights sleep.

Scared

The last two times I've been to Hafal in the evening and following days I've had bad bouts of depression. I'm due to go there tomorrow and I have to admit I'm more scared than normal. I don't know if Hafal triggers something or its a coincidence but the thought of going through another bout of depression like the one I am currently in makes me feel sick. Its hard to try and maintain a balance if I'm not careful I am going to cause the very thing I fear by building it all up in my mind.

I know the logical thing is to keep going till my mind accepts it and I don't react, but this is easier said than done. Its easy for people to say stick with it, but often they don't realise the full level of anxiety and the fear of depression is having on me.

So its a case of focus on the fact that going is a good excuse to get some photography done. Time will tell.

It is sabotage

I had two sessions of therapy today with two different therapists. Glad I had my main session as it gave me chance to talk through my latest bout of depression. The idea is that instead of going over and over how bad it is instead to try and consider the triggers. For example do the voices in my head that have a go at me start and then trigger the depression or the other way round. By understanding it helps me to cope and to hopefully stop it from happening. I was wondering why when I'm trying hard does the depression kick in, it could be for several reasons. Firstly because I'm tired because I am doing things, but by doing  things I am challenging my head and its looking for the comparative safety of the current situation.

The old saying of its going to get worse before it gets better seems to be true.

Still struggling on

I managed to collect my photos for my course today before going to photography. Still not quiet over yet as I have two weeks to make a book and put my final hydrological cycle photos in.

Still struggling, so having to take it hour by hour, if I try to think further ahead it gets scary. Sometimes even thinking 5 minutes ahead can be bad. I was talking about this on Friday how my mind can cope with the intellectual but not with daily life. Thinking about what I need to achieve to have a normal life it seems unreachable, even when I try to break it down into small steps, but thinking that this is it gives me no reason to go on.

Sabotage part two

Its really hard trying to maintain a balanced view. I know what I should do, I should keep going out, I should keep doing what my therapist recommends, but after Friday I have to question if its too late, whether this is it. I had what should be considered a good day on Friday I went out to Hafal and spent the afternoon out doing photography. But these last two days the depression has hit me so so hard. Hard enough that I have had to contact the Samaritans again. Its so hard and overwhelms my logical brain, that when I do what I need to do it makes me worse. Just trying hard to quieten my mind.

Sabotage

I had a very busy day yesterday making a step towards recovery. Last night and today was spent recovering, the resulting headache and depression makes me feel that my own brain and body are trying to sabotage my own recovery. Possibly because I was so tired the depression started and as a result so many issues were brought up by my head, things I've got wrong things I wished were different. It is so tempting to say it was a step too far and that my recovery has gone as far as it can, but I don't believe this I won't allow myself to believe this. When I for a moment I start to believe this my depression becomes overwhelming. So despite what I think my brain and body are trying to tell me I will be going to Hafal next Friday to take another step in my recovery.

Body shop needed

I need a new body the one I currently have is totally shattered. I have pushed myself harder today than I have in sometime. I only had 3 hours sleep so when I was woken this morning all I wanted was to go back to sleep, preferably with the duvet pulled over my head and the rest of the world leaving me alone.  Instead I got up and dressed had my breakfast and went and faced the world.

I went to Hafal and ended up spending nearly 5 hours there including going out to take some photos in Singleton and Brynmill Park. Though I did have a panic attack on the way back at least I did it. I am feeling the effects now but I wont let this stop me from going next week all being well.

Two minds

Had to start writing my evaluation for my two portfolios to hand in next week. I find this really hard to do. Ask me if going by the environmental impact assessment should the Cardiff barrage have been built and I can gibe you a coherent argument, but ask me about my photography and what I would differently I go blank, I feel that without hard facts in front of me I am scared of getting it wrong. This permeates through out my life I could write 10,000 plus words on bio plastics and the dissemination of information to local authorities but ask me what trousers I want to buy and I'll go without. I have only realised recently how scared I am of making a mistake to the point were I become paralysed with the fear. I am trying overcome this gradually but it will take time as I move towards recovery I uncover more that needs working on.

And breathe

The portfolios for my As level photography along with the chosen final images had to be handed in today. I hate having to let go of them as I'm not confident about my work, but after spending the money on the course I need to finish it. I had a bad night last night so woke up with two bad heads, headache and depression. But despite this I managed to go to class and stay, though I did have a panic attack during class. It goes to prove to me that I can achieve this when I am feeling rough what can I do when I am ok.

Oops I Did it Again

Today's blog title refers to the fact that once again I got myself so worked up over something that I made myself physically ill. Due to a throwaway comment, that my therapist was surprised that I got into Hafal as I didn't have a care worker. This got into my head and as a result my brain blew it up and convinced me that I was a fraud and would be found out. As a result instead of being able to go today I have had a bad tension headache and have been sick. Dad contacted Hafal and told them what had happened, as a result it is sorted, once again I have worked myself up out of all proportion for something that was easily sorted.

One in four people will suffer from some form of mental illness yet so much stigma is still attached to it and discussion of it. This even extends to those suffering from it. When I saw my psychiatrist recently he mentioned that part of my problem comes under neurosis, as soon as I heard this word all I could think of was the bad connotations that link neurosis with hysteria. Language has become perverted over the years, we hide the truth within it as a result we can become afraid of it. We need to talk plainly not to hide the truth about the wide variety of mental illness behind a curtain of euphemisms.

Not being defeated

Yesterday was a really tough challenge, though the therapist with me said she couldn't tell how worked up I was till the end when she had to point out to me that my shoulders were nearly level with my ears, I hadn't noticed. I have become so good at hiding my anxiety, that even when I have been close to being sick with nerves people have commented on how confident I appear.

As a result of the tough day yesterday I haven't been too well today, but I'm not going to prevent me from carrying on. I am going to Hafal tomorrow as I know if I don't it becomes so much harder to go. The next few months are going to be hard but only by going through this will I get better.

Shopping Therapy

A gold star was earned today, I went to therapy which involved me walking round town and going into shops with an assistant therapist. I am pleased to report she was just as bubbly at the end as she was at the beginning, me on the other hand I was really struggling towards the end, a combination of being out  with a relative stranger and the physical activity.

This afternoon I spent the time choosing final images from both my portfolios for my photography course. I also set up and took a shot I need for my hydrological cycle portfolio, which has resulted in my neighbours thinking both my Dad and myself had finally flipped, evidence of this comes with the photograph with todays blog, yes that is my dad up a ladder with a watering can.

It was tempting when i came home from therapy to go to bed but I am pleased I stayed up to work on my photographs as it has stopped my mood from dropping. Though now I have to find something to stop it dropping before I hopefully fall asleep.

Not thinking its unfair

It is very tempting to give up, last week I managed to do more than I had in years, this though has been followed by two migraines in four days. Thus it is tempting to say forget it, but I know if I want to get better and have a normal life I am going to have to get through this.

On the positive side I manage to plant a couple of blueberry bushes in the garden. Plus I am going to therapy tomorrow which is making me smile, thinking how many of my friends would like my therapy tomorrow as basically its shopping therapy, where I will be spending an hour going round town with an assistant, going into shops and making purchases. All in the name of recovery, though personally as far as I'm concerned shopping online is why the internet was invented.

Catching my breath

On Thursday I wrote that the only thing that would stop me going to Hafal on Friday was a raging Migraine, I think my brain took this as some sort of challenge and kindly produced one. Its Saturday night and I still have a headache and my vision is only just returning to me, but writing this helps me to keep things a little bit in perspective. The thing I am keeping hold of, to prevent me mentally and may be physically bearing myself up, is that since I have been ill I have never done 4 days in a row like I have this week. In order to get my stars I have had to go out and also do something around the house, on several occasions I managed to do something around the house without Dad telling me what needed doing, a win on two grounds, first that I felt confident to do something off my own back, this comes down to the fear of making mistakes, and secondly that I wasn't so wrapped up and withdrawn that I noticed that something needed doing.

So not getting the 5 and 6 star in a row isn't going to be allowed to totally get to me, instead tomorrow I plan to bake something completely new, a bakewell tart, and then write down next weeks activity schedule with activities on all 7 days including therapy in the week and Hafal next Friday.

Tired mind and body day four

Four days of completed activity schedule, four days of gold stars on the calendar. I have to admit I am absolutely shattered physically and mentally, and it would be tempting to say tomorrow forget about activity scheduling and going out but unless when I wake tomorrow I have a raging migraine I am going out.

I have to accept that for a while I am going to be tired and as long as it doesn't get so bad that it triggers my depression I am going to try and keep going.

My achievements today were to wait in the dentists on my own this morning and to answer the phone this afternoon. I have also done as much on my second photography portfolio as I can till I've taken my final photos which will all being well be done on Saturday. The other thing I have done is to decide to take part in a photography scavenger hunt. Taking part in this will stretch me photographically as well as pushing me socially, though I take part online I will have to take part in the community surrounding this monthly hunt.

I am going to try and keep up with the early nights as currently at 4.30pm I can feel the depression is really trying to put in an appearance and I am close to tears, but I hope this can be put down to my tiredness.

Decisions decisions decisions

Despite going to bed early I did not get off to sleep till late. My mind was buzzing and despite trying relaxation I couldn't calm it. This buzzing was probably down to two things, firstly what had been for me a busy day, secondly I need a new camera on several occasions there have been photographs I couldn't take due to the nature of my bridge camera. This is causing me anxiety, anxiety over what camera to get and anxiety over spending such a large amount if money.

One day on I'm still struggling with the anxiety over the camera, I know this isn't normal, but currently my brain doesn't like normal. But on the plus side I have completed my activity schedule that's three days in a row, part of today's activity included going to therapy which I knew would be stressful today as I was going out and being introduced to an assistant who over the next few weeks will be having the fun of going into town with me. I have been recording my going out on the calendar over the last two months with a star, and this is the first time I have got three in a row.

Absolutely shattered day two

After the weekend and yesterday, going by past experience today should have been a write off. Instead I was awake before 8.30, and before midday had done all my activity schedule, this included a walk on my own and filling in a recovery plan. The walk was further than I had been recently on my own, and included going into a shop I hadn't been into before on my own and making a decision, dad had asked me to get something from another shop but they didn't have it so I decided to try elsewhere. This might not seem a big deal but when you live in fear of making a mistake making a decision without checking first is a big step.

Instead of going for a lie down this afternoon I worked on my photography, finishing the writing in portfolio one and starting the writing in portfolio two. I must admit to being totally shattered now, and getting aches and pains and being close to tears, but I think its because I'm so tired. So instead of doing what society expects this adult is going to bed, in all probability before my 5 year old nephew.

Tired

I'm really tired tonight a distinct lack of sleep last night. But instead of getting worked up I got up and did the jobs I had to then got three hours before I went to photography. Admittedly it was hard physically and mentally but I did it, I got four ticks on my activity schedule, the max, and not because there was only oner activity covering the four different areas.

Probably due to the tiredness and effort I put in today I know the depression is there, I have to keep saying that as long as its not as bad as Friday night I'll cope.

Wow

The title for this entry might be misleading but it sums up what I'm hoping is now coming to an end. The last few days my sleep has been worse than normal, this probably combined to add to the various issues that create the load that is my depression. All this has cumulated to create a crisis, one that was nearly as bad as any I have previously had. I spent all night crying despite having what should have been thought of as a positive day, this crying escalated till I no longer knew why I was fighting the depression. I have seen the quote on Facebook that not committing suicide is to give life a chance to get better, but this doesn't take into account the overwhelming feelings that things will never really get better.

I know I have been through several events like this one and have got through them but the feeling at the time was one that overwhelmed me that though I had recovered here I was again. In the past I thought of the impact that suicide would have on those around me, in the past this has helped but this time when I tried to think of that all I could think of was what about me, what reason is there for me that is related to my life and not to those around me, perhaps they would be better off without me in the end. Luckily for some reason I texted a couple of friends and when that didn't work I called the Samaritans. I thought this was a sign of my final weekends but the person I talked to tried to show me it was a sign of strength, and convinced me that as I still had some therapy to go I might as well live long enough to see if it can help. I still am fighting the almost overwhelming feelings that there is no point to my life but I am going to give it a go for a little longer.

Coincidence

If the Welsh rugby team hadn't won the six nations championship, then on the Monday after my dad wouldn't have bought the Western Mail and I wouldn't have read an article about the charity Hafal. Hafal work with people with serious mental illness helping them to lead a normal life.

Today I went to see them to see if I qualified and if they can help me. The good news being that they think they can, but were very surprised that no one had recommended me to go there sooner. I will be going there once a week in order to increase my social skills and to help me get out more. So this week will be spent filling in my recovery plan so we can plan the small steps to help me move forward.

Questions...

How do you let go? How do you stop caring someone who you thought was going to be in your life forever? How do you let go of all the hurt the world has thrown at you?

I've been holding onto some of the hurt so long I don't know who I will be without it, its like when you wrap your hand and hold onto something for so long that the release and letting go hurts more than the holding on. I want to be able to move on, I see people who have also been hurt move on with apparently more ease than me. I wish I knew the secret. I have tried again and again to let go of things but something happens and without knowing why I'm holding tight once again.

The hurt is from more than one person, some I manage on the whole to let go of like all the various bullies, but others I find for some reason I can't. I hate the term closure, it doesn't mean anything, I will never have closure on certain things and to wait for it is to wait in vain. Instead I am looking for release of some sort, release from the grip these hurts are having on my life, release from the hatred they are causing me to have about myself.

Nobodies fault

One of the lessons I am having to learn is if something goes wrong its not always my fault. After having the teeth removed last week, despite following the instructions given, I got an infection in my mouth. As soon as this happened I blamed myself and started looking at what else I should have done to prevent it from happening. With the pain being bad yesterday I went back to my dentist and was told that it often happens no matter what precautions you take.

If someone drops something I'll blame myself and my mind will find, what is to me, a logical reason why its my fault. I know this is something I have to question.

Hopefully if the tablets keep working as well as they have today I should be feeling we'll enough tomorrow afternoon to finish work on my first photography portfolio, the aim being to complete the other portfolio by next Monday so I can hand them in a week early. I have most of the photos I need, though to complete I do need a visit to Cwmdonkin Park and Singleton Park. So once again photography is making me question and push my comfort boundaries.

Geting Out

I woke this morning feeling like someone had punched me several times around the head, this I know is a result of having two teeth removed on the same side of my mouth and the tension and anxiety that it caused.

Previous this would have meant a day of painkillers and naps. Instead due to the nice photography weather I managed to get up and dressed and go out, though only briefly to get some photos of the Guildhall clock for a montage I want to create. Admittedly I didn't gett up till the afternoon but I did get up and go out despite not feeling 100%, I am gradually learning if I wait till I feel 100% I wont go out.

Another achievement for me today was to do some baking, I used to bake regularly but lost all confidence in myself. I know I could do it but something in my head is so scared of making mistakes it was easier not to bake as I was getting so worked up about it. So today I turned to a well loved recipe that I knew wasn't too difficult as I try and get my confidence back.

Ouch

I had to go to the dentist today as two crowns had come out, unfortunately I had to have the two teeth removed. Because it wasn't my normal dentist he checked my health, when I mentioned my mental illness he asked if I suffered from dry mouth, this is a side effect of my medication. It turns out that I should have been told to use sugar free gum and to also used a high fluoride mouthwash. I have had this problem with a dry mouth for years and have mentioned it to several doctors and dentists but no one had told me it might cause a problem for my teeth. Like so much with my health care it is a case of piecemeal approach and lucky remarks.

So that was not a good early start to the day. It continued as I thought I had an appointment for therapy and went into town only to discover that she was on holiday. On the plus side I did a bit of walking in town on my own, without wearing my baseball cap or listening to my ipod. This in itself brought its own reward as I picked up a great book for my dinosaur loving nephew in a charity shop and picked up the first season dvds of a tv programme for next to nothing.

The other advantage is earning a gold star. I have discovered that I am goal orientated, and like regime. So if I go out and help with some housework, as well as doing so other things such as getting up and dressed, I get a gold star. After a certain number of gold stars I can buy myself something special such as a graphic novel.

Back to photography

Despite all the hurdles that my body tried to throw in my way today I made it to photography. Some of the hurdles include a headache and feeling very sick just before I went to class.

I'm glad I went as I knew if I didn't that that would be the end of it for me, as I missed several classes before the easter break and the more I missed the harder it would be to go again. I did wear my baseball cap, but  not as a safety device but because I really need a haircut. To make up for the fact that I was wearing my baseball cap I didn't listen to my mp3 player on the way home, a first for me. I really hated doing it but was glad that I had managed to achieve something else.

The next two weeks are going to be photography packed as I try and get out to take the photos I need and when at home I work on editing the photos as my two  portfolios are due in in the next couple of weeks.

Down but not out

I wasn't able to make my appointment today, it was down to the bug I've been keeping company with in this past week, not because I chickened out. One positive step was that I made the phone call to cancel my appointment, a major step forward for me as I really dread using the phone, I had problems using the phone before I had social phobia, due in part to slight deafness, so the combination of the two has made using the phone a real problem.

Previously not being able to do what I had planned was a trigger for my depression, and I am a little down but nowhere as bad as I have been, I am telling myself over and over its the bug, which isn't my fault, plus I have done the few things that I could manage.