Another day of struggling on, its getting a bit monotonous, I try to help my recovery, I do my therapy, the depression starts and I have to fight against it.
Each time I wonder if I have the strength, physical and mental to fight it. I know that I have beaten it so fat, and in all probability I will beat it this time but still the thought is lurking in my head is this it, is this the bout of depression that finally beats me.
I am trying to think of positive things regarding the progress so far, but all that overwhelms my mind is, so what, what have I achieved, what's it really worth. Despite the pieces of paper I have collected that say I have achieved this and that what do they really mean. I would swap them all tomorrow to be well, to be happy. I sometimes wonder if I have forgotten what it is to be truly happy.
When I was younger I had a dream about what I wanted from my life, I didn't want much, I wanted to work abroad, preferably Africa, for a charity, I wanted somewhere nice to live, not fancy but somewhere that was mine, I wanted a good hi-fi system and I wanted someone to love me. Its hard when you realise/believe that the only dream that will come true is that I might one day get a decemnt hi-fi. I know not everybody achieves their dreams but when mine were comparatively small its hard to have to let go of them
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