Bad night

I normal write a maximum of a blog entry in a day, but I'm hoping that by putting what is happening down it might help.

It is currently 3.44am, I've had a long day but am unable to sleep. I've been crying for the pass two hours and don't look like stopping anytime soon. I wish I had someone to talk to, who could give me advice. When I was younger I was a part of a youth group of which my dad was leader, on numerous occasions someone from the group would come to the house to talk to my dad, I was so jealous as I didn't have a leader to talk to, and if I'm honest even if I had I would have found it so hard. This jealousy continues to this day when I see people who have someone they can turn to for advice/help.

I know most of my friends can turn to their friends, partners or mothers, why can't I turn to my friends. I think its because I am no longer really close to any friend, if I ever was, and am so scared (no exaggeration) of boring them, making them fed up with me. And I certainly can't talk to my mother who's communication with me in the last 12 months has been a handful of emails, despite living in the same city. I realise now that my blog only shows a small part of what is going on in my head, somehow I need an outlet for the rest, someone/somewhere who can help me reach decisions. I know I'm going to group therapy but the help I particularly need at the moment isn't going to come from there. I don't know where to turn.