Wow

The title for this entry might be misleading but it sums up what I'm hoping is now coming to an end. The last few days my sleep has been worse than normal, this probably combined to add to the various issues that create the load that is my depression. All this has cumulated to create a crisis, one that was nearly as bad as any I have previously had. I spent all night crying despite having what should have been thought of as a positive day, this crying escalated till I no longer knew why I was fighting the depression. I have seen the quote on Facebook that not committing suicide is to give life a chance to get better, but this doesn't take into account the overwhelming feelings that things will never really get better.

I know I have been through several events like this one and have got through them but the feeling at the time was one that overwhelmed me that though I had recovered here I was again. In the past I thought of the impact that suicide would have on those around me, in the past this has helped but this time when I tried to think of that all I could think of was what about me, what reason is there for me that is related to my life and not to those around me, perhaps they would be better off without me in the end. Luckily for some reason I texted a couple of friends and when that didn't work I called the Samaritans. I thought this was a sign of my final weekends but the person I talked to tried to show me it was a sign of strength, and convinced me that as I still had some therapy to go I might as well live long enough to see if it can help. I still am fighting the almost overwhelming feelings that there is no point to my life but I am going to give it a go for a little longer.