New Year

Well it looks like I'm starting the new year as the I did the old, full blown migraine with a side order of depression, so please forgive any spelling/grammar errors.

I hate new year, currently its only purpose seems to be to give my anxiety ladened brain further excuse to worry about stuff I haven't achieved. So instead of staying up to get gradually worse I am going to defy convention and go to bed early. I know I could be accused of hiding once again, but there are times when a tactical withdrawal will allow me to fight another day.

The one convention I will follow is to briefly look back at the idea behind this blog. I'm writing this blog for several reasons, one as a way of me trying to empty my mind of worries/concerns so I won't dwell on them quiet so much, another is to give me something to look back on at some point to see my progression, finally to tell truth about depression. All too often people think of depression as just crying all the time or feeling low, I want to try and explain it is so much more, in my case it encompasses social phobia and feelings of total inadequacy, of feeling a fraud if I accomplish anything, of self harming and extreme loneliness. This is my experiences of depression others who experience it will feel some similarities but will also experience thoughts that relate specifically to them, each persons experience of depression is different but they should realise that they are not alone.

Finally thanks to those who have supported me and encouraged me throughout the year. Now for an early night so I can face the new year.

Paralysing thoughts

Recently I've become aware how certain thoughts are preventing me from doing things, from leading a normal life. These thoughts are preventing me from doing things that the major of people will do without giving it a second thought.

For me the fear of rejection has become overwhelming, it affects all aspects of my life. This fear has become so great that it prevents me from asking a friend out for coffee, this will sound ridiculous to most readers of this, but it is how bad this fear of rejection has got. There is no point in getting me to think about what the worse that could happen because I have already beaten you to that thought and got fixated upon this negative instead of the positive. I know I need to fix this as it is impossible to continue living like this, but all I can focus on at the moment is at least I have admitted to the problem, fixing it is too scary. Hopefully when the depression isn't as bad as it is today I will make a step towards remedying it.

Effort made

My sleep at the moment is awful, the last thing I need when the depression kicks in, is not being able to sleep. It is a scientific fact that due to lowest metabolic rate at 3 am this is when depression is worse, darkest before the dawn had a touch of truth in it. So it doesn't help to be awake then. Was tempting to hide away today, to stay under the duvet, but I managed to get up and more importantly dressed. This might not seem such a big deal but for me and my current state of mind it was a major achievement.

Christmas past and present

I've never been one for Christmas, probably due in part to as a child not getting the things I really wanted e.g a gun, catapult, sword, or one years request a set of throwing knives. Instead I got sindy and a succession of useless presents, unless my dad was allowed to choose on his own in which case I got a book on history, that I still read to this day.

I have know solved this problem of unsuitable gifts from my mother by giving her a list, which she then passed on to my brother, I then open these a few days early when my brother visits with my niece and nephews. This then removes any disappointment and annoyance for my mother not knowing me at all.

Its funny how much we do invest emotionally in creating the perfect Christmas, no such thing exists. We think we can buy it and get ourselves in debt. This all leads to stress. This year whilst not being perfect was pretty good. My mother's present was already out of the way, my dad bought me things he knew I wanted plus a few things he thought I would like. Not too much was eaten but enough to feel slightly special, Dr Who was enjoyed and I then curled up and spent the evening reading. I did get worked up about making perfect real custard, yet when it didn't go 100% correct I didn't let it spoil the rest of my evening. Depression at least for today has been given the day off.

New fears

As a kid I was never scared of the dark, if on a night walk I'd be one of the lovely ones who would walk ahead in order to jump out and frightens the others. Ever since my breakdown night can provoke in me everything from terror to mildly scared, which is why this week I've been really pleased with myself as I've managed to go downstairs several times in the middle of the next night. Like all fears/anxieties the more you face them the easier it becomes. It probably doesn't help that there are a lot of strange noises outside due to people coming home from pubs and clubs late at night, along with random car alarms and bangs on the front door. This anxiety isn't helped by the fact that due to insomnia I am often awake at night. So to have managed to go downstairs three times this week is an improvement.

Christmas part one.

Today we were descended upon by my brother and his kids. All three store under 5, so that house was filled with noise and mad dashes to stop the youngest, who has just learnt to crawl, from eating the Christmas lights. Think I coped well despite wishing I could hide, but worth the effort to see how much they loved their presents.

Haven't been out yesterday or today but had visitors, which I didn't try and put off, on both days. Feeling really tired and getting anxious about whether people will like the presents I have got them. For someone who can get anxious over the smallest of things Christmas presents me with a smorgasbord of anxieties to choose from.

Pat on the back....I think

I managed to get out today for a walk. Admittedly not very far or on my own, but considering if left to my own devices I would never leave the house, not too bad. It means that so far since Monday I have been out 3 times, including a driving lesson. Hoping to go out tomorrow also as the only way I am going to stop this anxiety/phobia about going out from getting worse, and to eventually beat it, is to go out. I know at some point I could get out more, but I had a set back, but I must try and put that behind me and start a fresh.

One task at a time

Woke up with a migraine, this was due to getting so worked up about icing two Christmas cakes yesterday. This meant that I have not done the jobs I wanted to do, so I am spending this evening trying not to get worked up about that. Instead I am saying over amend over to myself that of the 6 tasks I wrote down last night to do today I have, despite the migraine, done 2 of them. Hopefully if I say it enough I might start to believe it.

When you hear about depression there is so much that isn't mentioned, due to the illness and all the medication I have to take both my concentration and memory has become impaired. With a result I can easily forget something, and then people saying it can't be important if you can't remember doesn't help because with me it could be important. As a result I have had to find a solution, so after saving hard I have bought a nexus tablet. This allows me to make notes, when I did them on paper I had a tendency to lose the paper. I can also set it up to give me reminders, for example if dad isn't around I can set it to remind me to take my medication. So the anxiety of forgetting is reduced.

Logic or not....

Just over two years ago I graduated with a distinction for my Masters, due to my mental health I am still waiting for someone to ask for it back, saying that I got it under false pretenses.

I did my Masters after I had been ill for a while as a way of proving that being mentally ill does not impact upon my intelligence. In order to get this I had to be logical and form logical and coherent arguments, yet when it comes to myself logic goes out of the window. For example when people say nice things about something I have created I believe they are being nice, no matter how many people say it.

Been told today that my new years resolution should be to accept compliments.

Fears

It is the fear of failure that is currently paralysing me and my photography. Even though I am not doing this course in order to go onto university, and hence need the qualification, I am doing the course to further my photography for my own interest. But despite knowing this the fear of failure is halting me. Currently my mind is having the argument about whether failure or giving up is worse.

It is interesting the way my mind is dealing with confidence, I can take a photo that I like and for the briefest moment the confidence is there only to be replaced by accusations of being prideful or delusional. These stem from events when I was a child. It is interesting how much of an impact events can have on you when your are developing. Well seems like I have yet another thing to fight against.

Frame of mind...

Having to work on my portfolio for my photography class, the main problem is my distinct lack of confidence. Seem to have spent more time this evening convincing myself not to give up. Really tired having to fight so many things in my head. I wish that my fears and anxieties would take it in turns and not all crowd for attention at once. Managed to convinced my head to give the photography another day, will work on some if them tomorrow when hopefully I will be in a better frame of mind.

Rollercoaster

Just when I seem to be getting a grip on things, something which for most people would be nothing knocks me totally off. Its hard when I think I'm slowly getting a balance to take yet another knock. Despite setting myself target of a normal life, it is hard to keep trying to fight for it when every time I get knocked down. I know what my targets are I just have lost why I am aiming for them. At the moment I can't fight towards my targets as it is taking all my physical and mental strength to fight the notion of giving up.

It also doesn't help that there has been no continuity with my therapist as she is once again off sick.

Todays blog and walk curtesy of...

The power of music can be great, I had two walks today and managed both with what for me was a minimal level of anxiety. This was done in part through listening to two tracks on both walks, Foo Fighters Walk and Bowling for Soup High School never ends, listening to the revelvant lyrics helped me to focus on something other tan the fact that I was outside walking and it was dark.

Todays photo is a bit different, normally I download the photos straight from my camera but today I have decided to upload a photo that I have already put on my blog with the add twist of having worked on it tonight in class.

And through it all....

Missed my cooked breakfast this morning in order to have a bit longer in bed, when I then got up wanted to crawl back under the duvet. But instead went out had a cup of tea and either dad dragged me or I dragged him around more of Birmingham's markets. The bonus to keeping going despite not feeling well was I managed to get a few more photos taken.

MixedResults

Been a tough day today, not feeling too well physically which then impacts upon my mental health. Despite this I did manage to get out for a walk and shopping this morning with the bonus of taking a couple of photographs.  Had to have a rest this afternoon, but managed to get out for a while this evening again with the bonus of taking a few photos.

Just wish I felt a little better that I didn't have to fight the depression to stop it from putting in an appearance.

Tough Day

On a few days break in Birmingham, the journey here was slightly eventful culminating in me having a full blown panic attack as I tried to leave the train station and get to the hotel. Luckily staying in a hotel that I've been to before. After a break managed to walk around some shops and the German market, a total of a 3 mile walk. All in all a pat on the back day.

Achievement

When I woke up this morning the last thing I wanted to do was to go out, let alone go through a session of therapy and then a photography class this evening. So I made a deal with myself that if I went to therapy today I could buy a gadget I've been wanting for sometime, and that a decision about the class could be made later.

When I was walking home I felt lousy and decided that I wasn't going to go, but with dads help I managed to make it. I then walked home on my own. So a day of achievements, they might seem so to others but when the slightest thing can make me feel sick with anxiety, not giving in is an achievement.

Homework and a little more

This afternoon after my driving lesson I went to the library on my on, this I had to do as therapy homework. But instead of just going to the library and then turning around and coming straight back home I went onto the beach and spent about 20 minutes taking photos. This might not seem long to the majority of people but to me it felt like a lifetime.

I'm really pleased that I didn't just do the bare minimum that I had to but instead pushed myself a little bit more and was rewarded with some lovely weather for taking a few pictures of which I hope a couple will end up in my As level sketchbook.

Still not hiding...sort of

Bad night last night despite the sleeping tablet, had trouble getting to and staying asleep. This lack of sleep then triggered a mild bout, for me, of depression. Despite this I got up this morning and did my driving lesson, which seemed to go well. Afterwards I helped a neighbour with  tv and computer problems. Afterwards I did need a nap, but instead of being annoyed with myself for needing a nap, I have been holding on to what I have done. This is a step forward in my thinking, now to keep it up.

Forward .....stagger

Well its that time of the year and I have another bug. One thing no one seems to warn you about depression is that it can make you more susceptible for infections. As I am trying to get out more and meet more people I am getting more colds etc.

So this morning found me waking up absolutely stuffed full of cold, with a visit to the dentist ahead. Instead of cancelling or going straight to the dentists and straight on I decided to extend the walk to help dad, by going into the Uplands for some shopping. By the time I got home I was absolutely shattered but at least I had not only done it all on my own, I hadn't taken the easy option. Go Me.

Changes

I was reading an article in New Scientist about depression, which could be summed up as we don't know what causes depression, and we don't know why anti depressants work but they seem to. It seems that they now believe that with depression it isn't as straight forward as a lack of serotonin, it seems that some areas of the brain serotonin levels were high and some areas it was low. So basically we don't know what causes depression or what we can do to help you recover from it. This probably explains why I am on my 4th different antidepressant and 2nd different anti anxiety.

As well as medical treatment in the form of tablets, it is important that some mental illness is treated with some psychological treatment such as cognitive therapy. I have finally started this stage of my treatment, and it has been very interesting. One of the first thing I discovered was that some of the escape processes that i use today I started doing over 30 years ago. To change these behaviours is going to take time and effort.

But changes in my thinking have already started. After writing yesterday blog about me coping, last night I had a mini crash, it wasn't to the depths of not being able to stop crying, but it was low. As soon as I realised what was happening to me, instead of resorting to my usual behaviour of hiding in bed with a book, instead I sat down and thought what might have been the reason for the dip in mood. Once I did this, a lot has happened in the last week, I gave myself a break. Instead of telling myself I was being stupid and thus sending myself spiral down, I said to myself that feeling low was understandable and that I had to remember that I was doing better than I had previously.

Though I still woke up this morning with a migraine which has put me out of action today, the depression has receded slightly, which if I hadn't given myself a break it would have got worse,

So as I wrote in yesterdays blog, my recovery is happening better than I had previously thought, and changes to behaviours learnt over decades can be changed if you really want them to.

I'm back.... I think

I haven't written much in my blog recently for two reasons. the first was I felt that my recovery had become bogged down and was going anywhere, the second was I didn't feel like sharing. But I have missed it, I've missed that often when I put thoughts down in my blog, I then don't spend hours going over and over these thoughts.

Recently though several incidents happened that made me realise that my recovery was more advanced than I had thought. In a couple of days my printer packed up, just as I was about to print some pictures for my As portfolio, also my dvd recorder packed up, not allowing me to record to dvd some programmes for my Aunt. Then to cap it all, yesterday in the pouring rain I was locked out. In the past these events would have been enough to have me running for my bed and hiding from the world for at least a week. Yet today found me driving round Gower wondering what a cow had been eating to have such a stoned look on its face.

Recovery from illness is a funny thing, it is not always easy as the person recovering to realise that they are recovering.

Tipsy

Due to a lovely migraine I have spent the last 2 days feeling like I'm drunk, not a pleasant sensation. Really pleased with myself for despite anxiety attacks, which came out of the blue, on Monday I made it to photography and even managed on several occasions to open my mouth and say something. Though I have come to realise that I have to be careful as anxiety attacks seem to leave me feeling edgy and close to being short tempered, especially when people talk in class when the lecturer is talking, and then ask him a question about something he has just covered, which if they had listened they would know, there we are my venting for the evening.

I am coming to the realisation how much our interactions with others can impact upon future interactions with different people, things that happen can colour future interactions with people who had nothing to do with the previous interaction. I have to learn again how to keep things in balance and not allow bad events to totally colour bad all future interactions.

I am also pleased with myself that when I needed help with something on Monday I asked someone who I knew might be able to help, whereas in the past I wouldn't have wanted to bother anyone. The recovery from this social fear/phobia is going to take time, but finally I can see that it is heading in the right direction.

Todays photo was taken about 20 years ago in Nigeria.

Normal service not resumed

Today has been a bit of a struggle, the depression is just bubbling under, but I have managed to keep it there, which is a very positive thing. But been feeling really drained, though on the positive side I managed to do my driving lesson and managed to avoid crashing despite the best attempts of some drivers who seemed not to notice a purple car with a big sign on the roof.

Its days like this and yesterday, the way I coped with the abuse shouted, I need to dwell on rather than the bad days. The recovery continues. This in part due to  a friend suggesting that I give a relaxation technique called Mindfulness a try, I found some podcasts by the Mental Health Foundation that work through some mindfulness sessions which I have started practising and this has really helped.

Brain Transplant

I think someone has stolen my brain, I say this because today on my way home the dentist I had some abuse about my size shouted at me, I know it was to me because I was the only person in the street and the woman turned around in her passenger seat and looked directly at me. In the past abuse like that  would have got to me, but today I was slightly angry that someone thought they could do that to me, and then I began to think how stupid that woman looked as she shouted at a perfect stranger. I posted it on facebook as I do genuinely wonder why some people do shout abuse at strangers, and the replies I got just went to boast my thoughts that I should try and ignore people like that.

Onwards and Upwards

I have managed to do more in the last 2 days than I managed all of last week. Quiet pleased with myself as despite making a few mistakes in my driving lesson today I didn't let it get to me too much.

Also pleased that despite not losing as much weight as I had hoped I didn't resort to comfort eating, the nurse seemed pleased with my progress. Its really strange because when I measured myself I had definitely lost cm's. The aim now is to gradually increase my activity levels, so more reason to go to photography on Monday and Wednesday as the walk there and back is just under 1 mile, and my target to start with is to walk 6 miles a week minimum.

Hope tomorrow afternoon to organise my photographs so that I can start posting them here again.

Fighting on... I Think

The last 6 weeks have been particularly bad, but I think and hope I have finally reached bottom and that I am slowly on the way back, it wont be plain sailing I know from past experience that it wont be all upwards, but at least I can hope that it will be predominantly in the right direction.

Managed to go to photography tonight and walked home on my own, tomorrow have to go to the doctors to be weighed which I am not looking forward to, then in the afternoon I have a driving lesson, so I am trying to keep busy.

Fighting....but why???

I have had a bug for 10 days now so haven't been able to do too much, though I have managed 2 driving lessons. This mornings lesson almost got cancelled because I was feeling so shaky, but I managed to complete the lesson without an accident despite the best efforts of a white van driver to cause one.

I managed also to achieve a small achievement as I went to the local Chinese supermarket on my own today, without my mp3 player. This might not seem a big thing to most people but it is for me, as its not somewhere I usually go so to go on my own means overcoming a hurdle.

I am trying to fight the depression and social phobia, but it isn't easy especially as I feel that I have no reasons to fight it, I am fighting it because apparently it is what I am supposed to do, but doing what I am supposed to do can only take me so far, if I don't find a reason to fight it will become harder to do so, I can only keep going through the motions for so long. Sod the idea of three wishes and asking for end to poverty etc. I want one wish that is to know why I am fighting, what I am fighting all this for.

Right lets go.

The recent break from my blog was due to  a virus that I am now getting over, the problem with any physical illness is that I have to fight it and the depression, especially when the physical illness stops me doing something I enjoy or do to fight the depression. This happened yesterday as I was unable to go to my photography class and really really missed it, despite how anxious I get in going and being there, I did miss it. I must remember how much I missed it next time the anxiety threatens to engulf me and tries to stop me from going.

A little pleased with myself today that despite feeling lousy I got up and dressed and then went for  little walk, and when the shop I was going to was closed I decided not to go straight home but to extend the walk slightly.

Another day survived

Please with myself sort of. Woke up still feeling lousy but managed to do a driving lesson and help dad around the house a bit. Really pleased that I didn't cancel my driving lesson despite the really strong urge to, due to the problems I had last Friday when I sent a text to cancel my lesson yet my instructor didn't receive the text till well after the lesson should have started. My urge to avoid any perceived confrontation, can have me avoiding situations where the majority of people wouldn't have given it a second thought.

So therapy is working already because it is making me question my behaviour, and try and fight the social phobia which has limited my life for so long, it is not easy and typically just once I decided that I was going to really fight it, my depression kicked in as if to say don't forget about me.

The day after the day before...

Today I am definitely suffering, mainly the physical effects of the stress/anxiety that my body got put through yesterday. I finished up my day of therapy, photography class, by walking home on my own. This was a bigger deal than walking to my photography class on my own, as the walk to the class is in daylight whilst coming home is in the dark. It was the longest walk in the dark I have done for several years, and the longest walk on my own in the dark through choice, I could have called my dad to meet me, that I have done probably since I was first became ill.

Despite the aching muscles, especially in my neck and shoulders, will try it again next week with the hope that the more I do all three on a monday the easier it will become. Was also pleased with myself because when I woke up I wasn't feeling too good and thought about cancelling therapy but said to myself that as I was still thinking of going to photography I had to go to therapy. So a positive day yesterday.

Through a wringer

Had therapy this afternoon, and now feel like I've been put through an emotional wringer. The good news is that I have already got  in place a lot of good things, such as going to photography, the bad news is that there is still a hard slog ahead of me and that it is likely to take several years for me to get somewhere. What is really frustrating is that if I had received this help sooner I might now be living a so called normal life.

Despite now wanting to curl up and hide away no such luck as I have my AS photography class tonight and as I can convince myself that going is part of my therapy I have to go.

Worries part 2...

One of the purposes behind this blog is to try and explain how my depression and social phobia impacts on my daily life. An example of this happened today, I was due to have a driving lesson but when I woke up I had a migraine so I sent a text to my driving instructor. Later this morning I had a text back from my driving instructor he hadn't received my text till after my lesson was due to start and so wasn't best pleased. I sent a text back saying I had sent the text at 8.04, he didn't receive it till 9am. So now I am worrying and the worry will get worse just before my next lesson. This is something out of my control but that won't stop me worrying.

Worries....

I wish I could stop worrying about things that I have no control over. I'm not taking about things like the future of the environment, though I do worry about it, but I'm talking about things like worrying about what others think about me. I know this is something that most people worry about but not to the degree that I do, where at times the thoughts can almost paralyse me with fear. This is one of the fears that means I spent my last two photography classes shaking and feeling sick. Though so far I haven't let it stop me going to my class, I will not allow it because there have been too many occasions in the past where my fears/anxieties have stopped me from doing something that I really wanted to do.

Tired but....

Had a bad night last night, this was probably due to my busy day yesterday, it seems that when I'm busy, as far as my mind is concerned I have trouble shutting it off at night in order to sleep. This late night wasn't helped by the fact that I needed to be up fairly early for a driving lesson. The anxiety of the  driving lesson probably added to the late night.

I have had a few driving lessons now, but todays was the first one after failing my driving test, but the lesson seemed to go well, a few small errors but nothing major and was nowhere near as anxious as I was last time I was behind the wheel.

Had to have a nap this afternoon as I was really struggling, but at least I had done everything I set out to do, so I am trying hard not to see the nap as a sign of weakness.

Busy Day Survived

Its been a busy day today for me, this afternoon after nearly 3 years of waiting I finally started therapy to try and help me with my social phobia. It was revealing as I discovered that I had put coping strategies in place at the early age of 6, it was something that I had never thought about, and in fact I thought that it was normal.

This evening I had my photography class, and not only did I manage to walk there and most of the way home on my own, I did it without wearing my baseball cap. This might not seem that important but I use my baseball cap as a barrier to hide behind, so to deliberately leave it at home was stressful.

I find it interesting that if people with a physical illness had to wait nearly 3 years for treatment, and that there was a restriction on the length of period for treatment, therefore treatment could end before you recovered, it would be headline news. Yet this is the reality for so any people with mental illness.

Anyone want a useless brother???

When I was away as people reading my blog might have gathered I had a really bad bout of depression, this was probably made worse by the fact that I was away from familiar things and routine. Though I did try to hide my tears I did on two occasions tell my brother that my depression was bad, for some strange reason I thought he might understand and talk to me instead he just fobbed me off saying that all I needed was a hug from my niece to feel better.

This doesn't work on oh so many levels, first depression just doesn't go away because you have a hug from a 2 year old, if it was that easy the pharmaceutical would not be making a fortune on selling anti-depressants every year. Secondly if someone tells you they are having a bad time with depression give them sometime, talk to them its hard to admit you need help so when you do the last thing you need is someone fobbing you off.

I am home now back to familiar sights and routine but the depression is still holding hard, I have continued to do my activity scheduling in order to try and prevent the depression getting worse. But now I have to try and find my way back out of this depressive episode, which is not helped by the fact that I don't know why I am bothering.

Absolutely Shattered

I'm writing this blog entry at 5pm, and I am absolutely shattered, I have been up since my alarm went off at 8.15am and have been busy ever since. Well busy for me.

This morning I had camera club, which I walked to on my own, then in the club we went out to take some photographs so I spent over an hour on my own wondering around the marina, I coped though I have to admit it was difficult and got harder as the time went on.

After camera club I went into the Uplands to do a little shopping, so by the time I was heading home I was really struggling and could have happily curled up on the pavement and told the world to bugger off. But I didn't instead I called home and my Dad came and met me part of the way. I am trying not to see this as a failure, instead focusing on the fact that I had achieved so much before I had to ask for help.

This afternoon was spent doing a few jobs around the house and most importantly contacting my driving instructor to book some more lessons. it was extremely tempting when I failed my driving test to say, well as its down to my lack of confidence then there is no point in me trying again. Instead though I have convinced myself that it is worth it and while it might take me longer than someone who does not have the lack of self confidence that I have, I will get there eventually.

Pause in proceedings....once again

I set my alarm for this morning with the good intention of getting up about 9am and helping dad with some of the housework, but once again my head had other thoughts. I did manage to get to sleep before 2 am, but unfortunately woke up with a migraine. So the day has had to be spent quietly, but considering all that I have been through the in the last week it is not surprising that I have had a migraine today.

Looking back over the last week there are positives and negatives, the obvious negative is the bad bout of depression I am going through currently, and the fact that despite my best efforts my brother and I are still no closer, as he spent most of the time I was there hardly speaking to me, in fact I had more conversation with my 4 year old nephew than I did with my brother and sis-in-law combined, and my nephew was in school most of the time. The positive is it was the longest time I have been away from the safety of home without the buffer of my dad since I became ill.

Another positive is despite the depression and my absolute tiredness I managed to go and stay in my photography class last night and plan to go again next week.

Short but sweetish

Only a short blog tonight as I have had a very long day but was determined to write this. I started my day in Rhayader and ended up in Swansea. In between was a solo train journey and the first night of my new photography course.

Despite the fact that I was catching a train in a train station where providing I got on the right platform I was going to be on the right train, as one platform was for Shrewsbury and the other is for Swansea. Despite this I was still anxious, especially as the train got busier.

After a brief nap, due to lack of sleep last night, I was on my way to photography course. Dad walked me part of the way, and despite him offering I was determined to finish the walk on my own, and find out where I was meant to be going, which was just the start which for me was a scary evening. I found where I was going and managed to stay in the class despite feeling on a couple of occasions that I wanted to rush out of the classroom and hide.

Isolation

I am trying hard to do all the various things that have been suggested over the years to help with my depression, and none of them are helping. I know someone might think "well how much worse would you feel if you didn't do them", I know that is a possibility that I might be feeling worse, but if I am completely honest I can't imagine feeling much worse than how I feel right now.

Its really strange that other times I have felt this bad there have been events in my life that would have made anyone feel bad, but on this occasion there has not been any obvious cause. It might be a combination of things, but because I can't identify the cause it makes it all the more frightening. It probably doesn't help me that at the moment I am away from home, the longest I've been away from home since I've been ill without my dad. I am staying with my brother and sis-in-law and their kids, I know me and my brother have never been really close, but I am serious wondering why I have come here.

Feeling totally isolated despite the internet and facebook, without which I really think I would have done something to myself because without facebook I would not have had any support what so ever.

Sense of Self

I am still really struggling, still fighting back the tears. The littlest things set me off.  A good friend sent me a message last night reminding me that things can flit across my subconscious without me realising, and these flitting thoughts can trigger the tears without me realising the cause.  So whenever the tears either threatened or put in an appearance I tried to think what had been passing through my head, on some occasions I could figure the cause out but there were a few occasions where I could not think of any reason what so ever.

One of my major problems at the moment is I have no real sense of self, no idea where I am going with my life, it might not seem too important for many people but I need to know because I need my reason for living. I wish someone could tell me because at the moment I am just going through the motions, doing things because I should be doing them, not because I want to be doing them.

I know that perhaps I should be just concentrating on my recovery and not dwelling on deep and meaning questions such as the meaning of my life, but I need to know why in order to recover at the moment.

Stil struggling on...but why????

Had another bad day. I'm trying not to sound like i'm moaning, and I know in some ways I am so much better off than others, but it doesn't stop the fact that today has been spent either fighting back the tears or mopping them up before someone sees them.

I know its the depression talking, but knowing and accepting are two very different things, and even if I was to accept that its just the depression and things will soon be better, it doesn't stop how I am feeling right now. And right here and now I've had enough of it all, of people saying that it will get better that I've been here before and have beaten it before, but I haven't beaten it because if I had why is it here now. To be honest I am wondering why people go on about how great life is, because I just don't get it.

For more than a decade I have been trying to beat this and don't feel like I am really getting anywhere. I am unemployed, live at home and am single. Not exactly how I saw my life panning out. I know you can't have everything you want but I don't want everything I just want an average life. I don't want to feel jealous of my own brother's life. Its not that he is a millionaire living a fabulous life, it's just he has a job he loves, lives in a lovely part of the world, has a good social life and a family that love him. Before anyone thinks it I am not getting broody, believe me just one child of my own would drive me up the wall let alone 3, but its the fact that he has made his way in the world to just an old fashioned term, something that I have spectacularly failed to do. I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone but I can't help it.

I am trying I really am but its not easy to do when I am wondering why I am trying.

Not easy reading a bedtime story with tears in my eyes

Today has been up and down. I found myself genuinely laughing earlier tonight with my niece and one of my nephews and it took me by surprise. This might seem strange to some people reading this,  but it is a very long time since I even felt like that, that in some way I was beginning to think I'd forgotten how.

But my cantankerous, bloody affected mind wouldn't let me enjoy the feeling for even one hour. Is that asking too much just one hour of feeling normal and happy, in the first time in so so long. It came to an abrupt end as I read my nephew a bedtime story, now I know my nephew has strange taste in bedtime reading, last night I had to read from a dinosaur encyclopaedia, but tonights story had nothing to do with the struggle I was having in fighting back the tears, as I doubt anyone would ever be able to find anything to cry about in Trevor Tractor gets a bee in his bonnet,  when I say I was fighting back the tears, at one point I nearly left the room as I thought I was about to cry.

If I had a pound for every time ether I have read a report or someone said to me that exercise would improve my depression, or that I need to keep busy I would be rich, but unfortunately but life isn't that simple or else it hasn't read the reports, for the last few days I've been busy and active, but it has also involved me way out of my comfort zone, for example today I went for coffee with my sis-in-law and two of her friends. So I was in a strange place with strange people, does anyone here sense the anxiety.

I'm tired and want to run away, but I can't and I wont let myself, but when I should be happy I feel like I've really had enough.

One small step for most humans one giant leap for me

Well I did yet another small step, I managed to get a taxi on my own from the house to catch a train. I was met at the other end, but its the first time in a long while that I had to ensure that I was on the right train without someone else travelling with me for confirmation.

Photographs will resume tomorrow but if anyone thinks I am going back upstairs in order to get my card reader, they have no idea of the number of times I have run up and downstairs in the last 20 minutes as I have been left baby sitting 3 kids all under 5years of age.

I am shattered now, in part due to the stress of my journey, of returning to a train station that last time I visited it, one week later my brain completely blew a fuse, plus I have been helping my sister ion law out all afternoon and evening with my niece and nephews, and I can't help thinking that people pay good money fot  the type of workout I have had today.

I am pleased with what I have achieved today, I spent quality time with my niece and nephews and they seemed to enjoy my company, though kids at that age are easily pleased/bribed. But I have to admit to being anxious about helping out with them, as I have little experience of young children and never am sure what I am supposed to be saying and doing with them.

I only had to change my t shirt once today, due to sweating through the anxiety, but despite this obvious level of anxiety I continued and achieved all I set out to do and more on top

Hols

Well i'm nearly packed , as tomorrow I'm off for a week to mid Wales, where I plan to corrupt/spoil my niece and nephews. Its funny but when I'm with the kids I don't mind going out quite so much, possible as the kids are camouflage. Its hopefully a great excuse to kickstart my photography as I will be in a new area. The big challenge is that I am travelling on my own, but luckily there will be no change of train, unless of course it breaks down. But as dad has to be somewhere in the morning it will be the first time in a long while that I will have to catch a train on my own without having the safety net of someone else confirming that I am on the right train. Though if the train has a first class section then I am definitely on the wrong train. So tomorrow morning I will have to go through a range of my coping strategies and heaven help anyone who winds me up or gets in my way.

Physical v Mental

I've caught a bug which has left me feeling very tired and full of cold. With the added fun of the depression getting myself to do anything is harder than normal. Though I know if I don't do something then the depression will get worse exacerbating the effects of the bug and taking me longer to get over it. It can be hard to find a balance at times like this of giving myself time to recover from both physical and mental impacts and at the same time not allowing the depression to get a real grip onto me mind.

Bananas in Pyjamas

Haven't felt much like taking photos recently, this is a sign of the depression, and was only when I realised that, that I understood that the depression had crept up on me without me realising. This might seem strange to those of you who never have had depression, but depression isn't just sitting in a corner crying, it can affect you in so many different ways. One of the worse things about depression is its ability to creep up and catch me unawares. It is only when I realise that I have stopped doing things I love because I just can't be bothered that I realise that once again it has crept up on me.

One great piece of advice I have been given though, which when I first heard it I thought the person was crackers and just trying to get me active, is the fact that it is important that I don't wait to feel motivated to do something before I do it, by doing it I will get the motivation. Believe me this is true, hence the importance of the daily activity scheduling.

Waiting for weighing

Today I had to do something really hard for me, even in the scheme of things i find hard, I had to get weighed. My doctor has said that me having a weighing scales at home would not be a very good idea considering how depressed I can get when I do weigh.

So off I went this morning to get weighed, before hand I was trying hard to convince myself that providing I had not put weight on it would be ok, but deep down I knew I would get depressed if I hadn't lost any When the nurse told me that I had lost weight I couldn't believe it and thought she had got the figures wrong. But luckily she hadn't and I had lost weight, one month down many more to go, I am going to have to accept that there are going to be good months and bad, but on the other hand I know how much of my social phobia and depression is tied up with my weight and how I perceive how others perceive me as a result.

What I do best...Panic

Just had another panic attack, all through my own making. I have enrolled on an AS photography course, I know I have had paperwork emailed through to me but I can't find it, then when I went on the college website the term date shown was term starting today, so major panic. For those of you who have never had a panic attack, a) think yourself lucky, b) leaves me short of breath, heart racing and headache beginning.

I have now calmed down slightly and emailed the college saying I've lost the paperwork, then when I went onto the website to get the phone number for te college and my exact course details I saw that instead of term starting today, term in fact starts on the 17th, which then caused another panic as I am away from the 10-17, but all being well I can caught a train which will get me back in time.

I am looking forward to my holiday, even though I will be travelling on my own, and Dad wont be seeing me onto the train as he is out when I have to leave the house. So it will be my biggest challenge for sometime, but the reward is worth it, a week of spoiling my niece and nephews and if I'm lucky teaching them a few bad habits.

Frustration subtitle Best Laid Plans

I have to learn my limits and that sometimes it is not always possible for me to do everything I want when I plan to do it. I find it frustrating when I plan to do something then for some reason I am unable to.

Lots of things have been going through my mind the last couple of days, one thing is how annoyed I am with myself for failing my driving test as I know that I am capable of doing it. Iam also annoyed with the physical effects of the anxiety has had on my body resulting in it being very difficult to do my activity scheduling.

People have been telling my not to worry and to keep trying but I find this hard to resolve with my extreme lack of trust in people, people say what they think you want to hear, that is what my experience   so far has taught me. I need to find a balance I have to teach myself, reprogram myself that not everyone tells lies and that some people do care for me and want to help, this is probably going to be one of my hardest lessons to learn.

A pause in the proceedings

Well the plans I had for today went out the window. When I woke this morning not only did i have a bad headache also nearly every muscle in my body appeared to be aching. This muscle ache is a direct result of the stress and tension I put my body through yesterday.

But instead of saying well I wont manage to do any of my activity scheduling today I looked at the plan for the next few days and saw an activity that was planned for Sunday that I felt that I would be able to do today. So a little gardening was done, including the lovely job of picking blueberries.

The long session with my psychiatrist yesterday helped me to coalesce some ideas that have been floating around my head in recent weeks. I have come to realise that it is my anxiety that is the life limiting factor rather than the depression. We are seeing increased understanding about depression by the general public, though when mental health is talked about very little if anything is said about anxiety. Part of the problem is that everyone thinks they know about anxiety and therefore can't see why it should be a problem. Everyone at sometime in their life has been anxious at sometime or other, whether when about to give a speech in public or waiting exam results, so they assume that its not that big of a deal. But believe me it can be, imagine being anxious everyday, having anxiety growing into something approaching fear when faced with the things that scare you. Being scared of things that most people can do everyday without a second thought.


Whilst reading an article last night about Doctor who I came across a quote which Jon Pertwee as Doctor who said, and that I find and plan to try to hold onto.

'Courage isn't just a matter of not being frightened. It's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway'.

Failure

Well despite the months of practising I failed my driving test. I was so nervous and shaking, that despite doing my test this morning, I am still shaking. I will be honest and say that as my instructor drove me home I serious thought why am I bothering, what is the point all I am achieving is wasting money. This feeling is still strong but I have told my instructor that once I get back from my holiday I will be trying again.

The problem was that I was aware of the tester making marks so about half way round one of the difficult test routes I convinced myself that I had failed, with the result instead of saying to myself sod it I just kept making mistake after mistake, I have never stalled as often in any of my lessons.

So tonight the fight in my head goes on, probably not helped by having to spend and hour with my psychiatrist as he made sure he had my case history for the case study of me he is going to present to 3rd year medical students. I always find talking about my symptoms difficult as I am so scared that I am going to give a wrong answer, illogical I know but knowing that it is illogical doesn't stop the thoughts.

To ensure that I don't let depression set in this evening I made sure that I had activity scheduling set up for the next three days so that I keep busy and don't give the bad and illogical thoughts any space.

Altering the programme

I think whoever programmed my brain either missed out a few lines of the programme or some other error has creeped in.

I am trying to analyse certain thoughts that come into my head, the idea being if I can understand them better I stand a chance of altering some of my thought processes that I know are faulty. The prominent thought in my head at the moment is concerning my driving test, I have realised that I am not afraid to fail for me, as I know that I can do it again, I can afford both the time and the money, but I am afraid that I am letting others down, that I am letting my driving instructor down, letting my friends and family down, who have wished me well. This thought process I know isn't logical but some fault in my programming wont allow me to drop the thoughts, to accept that it is faulty and put out of my mind. Whether I will find the cause of the faulty programming i don't know and in someways it doesn't matter, hopefully I have taken another step to recovery by realising that there are faults in my thought process.

Now the next step to to learn which are the faulty thoughts and then learn to let go of them.

Finally

Well after what is hopefully is my final driving lesson, everything crossed, I think I have finally got what my driving instructor has been trying to teach me for the last few months, that if I make a mistake it doesn't matter, just pull forward and straighten out and then carry on.

All too often when I was making a mistake I allowed it to get to me so badly, to the extent that if I made a mistake at the start of my lesson I might as well of gone home because for the rest of the lesson I would keep making mistakes because I found it impossible to put it out of my mind. I hope now that slowly I can take this lesson and apply it to the rest of my life, though I feel this might be a lot harder to do than it is with my driving, but time will tell.

Not long now till my driving test and I am already feeling sick with the anxiety I'm trying hard to keep in mind that its not that important and I have the time to do it again.

Finally got it

I think I might have finally worked something out, I think for some reason my life has decided to become the hokey cokey. One minute I go forward and the next I seem to be going backwards, the main problem at the moment is that I end up at or near the same spot. For example the other night I seemed to be in an ok mood, had spent an enjoyable evening playing computer games and rediscovering some ands that I had forgotten I liked so much, but a few hours later I totally crashed and the depression was back.

I know I should try to hold onto the better feelings but it is so much easier said than done. I want to stand on a roof top somewhere and shout out that I am trying to get better, that I really am, but I feel that people don't believe me, and I am no longer sure how to get better.

Best foot forward, but which is it???

Been feeling lousy today but as my driving test is soon I didn't cancel todays driving lesson. I managed to cope with the lesson and didn't allow mistakes get to me too much. Though I don't think it is normal it get in after an hours driving lesson and to be sweating as much as I am. This is down to the anxiety of not feeling well, being out and driving.

One of the reasons I write this blog is so that people can see that anxiety disorders and depression can happen to anyone. This point is very relevant at the moment as last week my psychiatrist phoned me to ask if he could use my case study in a lecture he is giving to soem medical students, these are students who have already done one degree and have switched to doing a medical degree once they finished. He wanted to use my case study to illustrate that anyone can have an anxiety disorder, no matter who you are or what your background is. I didn't hesitate to give my permission as I really feel it is important that we all realise that it can happen to anyone at anytime. In just a four year period of my life, I spent 4 months volunteering in South Africa, did my degree, visited NY on my own and spent 3 weeks in San Francisco again on my own, to now when going out through my front door is an ordeal. There is no way we can tell who will become mentally ill or when it might happen.

Depression

If I didn't already have depression the headaches I have had over the last few days would certainly have caused it. I was looking forward to going over to spend a few days helping a friend, ticket was booked and my bag was packed, then I woke up with a really bad migraine, this meant that my plans were off as I couldn't even sit up without being in considerable pain. This change in my plans made me depress, I was looking forward to getting away for a few days with a good friend. The other thing was that I really feel I have let my friend down. This in turn triggers the depression. I know I shouldn't worry but if i didn't worry about stuff like this I wouldn't be in the condition that I am.

Pausing rather than backwards

Due to the usual lack of sleep and headache I wasn't able to get anything done yesterday, but I am trying hard not to think of it as a backwards step but to think of it as a small pause in my recovery.

Despite taking sleeping tablets still having trouble getting to sleep which does not help my headaches or depression. Unlike many things the harder you try to sleep the less likely you are to succeed. 

Despite still feeling lousy when I woke up this morning I managed to get up ad do a few things around the house before going for a driving lesson. Really surprised myself that despite stalling twice on a roundabout, got the clutch and brake mixed up, I didn't let it get to me which in previous lessons I would have done. This is particularly good as I have my driving exam soon, I am trying to take the attitude that I am going to try my best but if I fail it is not the end of the world. This is going to be really hard for me to do, as I want to get things right first time, and it is really hard to learn that this isn't always possible.

Tears

When I was younger it took a lot to get me to cry. I remember a number of times after the youth group had been away for a few days several of the girls crying as we left, and I would be on the edge of the group wondering what all the fuss was about.

Since the depression started I can cry at nothing, for example the depression was such that I spent all the evening and most of the night crying, though if you asked me why there was no specific cause, I find this one of the harder aspects of depression to deal with.

The other aspect of depression that is hard to cope with is the feeling of not caring. On the whole I love reading, anyone who knows me would agree with that statement. But at the moment I am really struggling to read anything, even books by my favourite authors.

My plan for tomorrow is  to start up activity scheduling again, this is a technique I have used before and did help to a small degree. The idea of activity scheduling is to ry and do activities that fulfill certain conditions, these are, an activity that gives you a sense of achievement, an activity that you enjoy, a physical activity and a social activity. It is possible for an activity to cover more than one condition, for example a walk to take some photos would fulfill the condition of something physical and something I enjoy.

Bottling up

I find it funny that despite writing this blog as a way of trying to stop me bottling tings up I still do. There are still somethings that affect me deeply that I find impossible to write about. There is obviously still a large chunk of my life and thoughts that I don't know how to vocalise, either through this blog or by talking it through with someone.

Really really struggling today having to force myself to write this, full of the feeling of why bother, this is in part due to yet another bad night and headache, but a large part is due to the cloud of depression that seems to have enveloped me recently. I am trying hard to fight it in every way I can think of, for example I love the idea of being able to build something electronic but there are no classes teaching it in my area so I have bought a book with the idea of teaching myself. This is something that when I am well really interests me but at the moment I feel like I am going through the motions with it, that in reality I can't be bothered. This might not sound like anything to be concerned with but when not even my favourite comic can get any real reaction from me it makes me realise how much a grip the depression has on me, as I have said before I see the depression as a duvet, and at the moment I am not only wrapped up in it but I have become entangled not sure which way to turn in order to get out.

And so it goes

Despite what for me was a good nights sleep I have struggle today. One part of my problem is that some many people have said that a good nights sleep was what I needed that I began to believe it. Due to finally taking my sleeping tablets I have had two half decent nights sleep, today was still one that I wanted to hide from the world. Somehow I managed not to give in, helped in part by a visit from an good friend and her daughter.

Once the visit was over instead of going back to bed to hide I managed to stay up and get the Wii out. People who say that video games lead to obesity obviously haven't seen me playing sword fighting in Wii Sports resort 20 minutes of that followed by 10 minutes Wii fit made up for the fact that due to the weather I didn't go for a walk.

So that is know 4 days in a row that I have exercised and my diet is going ok, I just hope I lose weight when I get weighed by the nurse next month. I am becoming more and more aware that so much of my depression and self hatred is tied up with how I perceive myself and how I believe others to perceive me, whether this is true or not. I have tried losing weight before but after a few months tended to give up, so I am hoping this time by ensure people know that I am trying they will ask me how its going and by that help me to stick to it this time, because until I lose some weight I know that no matter what else I do, or treatment I receive my recovery will never be complete.

Driving Ambition

Was told by my driving instructor last week that the fear he has about my forthcoming driving test is that once I make one mistake I allow it to get to me too much and the rest of my driving falls apart. So I had to decide over the weekend whether or not to pospone my driving test. In the end I decided that even if I were to have another 100 driving lessons they would not help my confidence so the test remains in place, the deal I have with my driving instructor is that I have to learn that it doesn't matter if I make mistakes. So deal in place we spent todays lesson practising manoeuvres so mistakes happened by I managed to say to myself that they didn't matter and got it right the next time or the time after. At the end of my lesson my instructor said that he noticed a difference today and that was what I needed to keep up, so fairly positive despite the errors.

Though I do find it funny thinking about the standard of driving I am going to have achieve in order to pass my test when I look at some of the drivers currently on the road, just today I had more than one car pulling out in front of me, that is despite the fact that I am in a car with a great big sign on the roof with an L on it.

I managed to go out for a short walk today, though not on my own, so that its three days in a row now. Plus the walk happened after I had had a busy day with a lovely visit from a friend, who I hadn't seen for about 19 years, and her two lovely kids. It was great seeing her and thanking her for the help she has given me in the last year. This visit was followed by a driving lesson, so I had a good excuse not to go out, but I did a deal with my dad that if I walk or exercise on my Wii everyday for a month he will help me buy a bike, and then not complain too much when I have to wheel it through the house.

The walk was also hard as the depression hit just before we went out and I spent the walk with time spent taking some photographs, fighting back the tears. But trying to be positive I did it, plus weather and house work allowing tomorrows walk is already planned.

Split mind

I'm in two very different minds at the moment, on the one hand, I am quite pleased with myself on the other my mind is full of doubts and self loathing.

The reason that I am quite pleased is because despite a distinct lack of sleep when the alarm event off this morning, only 2 hours worth, and a headache I managed to get up and go to camera club this morning. This did involve a walk on my own, and it was not along my normal route to camera club, as this would have involved trying to get through a locked gate. The task in camera club did take me well and truly out of my photographic comfort zone, this combined with the walk and being with people did trigger a panic attack but I coped.

The second part of my mind the self loathing part though is well and truly back it seems that no matter what I say to myself or do it has an answer to the negative, the voice in my head never seems to let up constantly telling me how fat and useless I am. I try to tell it its wrong and give it evidence but it always seems to have an answer. I know this probably makes me sound mad, but the voice in my head is the voice of my doubts, and instead of being a whisper or at least ignorable somehow mine has got hold of a megaphone and is determined that I will not ignore it. The main trouble is that this voice is destructive as the more it goes on at me the more I think why do I bother doing anything, its not worth it nothing changes. And so it goes on and on and the lonelier I feel and the more despondent about my recovery.

A teeny step forward

Had a bad couple of days, due to lack of sleep and the resulting headaches/migraines had to cancel seeing people on two different occasions, this then meant I started too get annoyed with myself. This then lead to the depression kicking off once again. So by getting annoyed I was making myself worse, so I am having to stop apologising for things that I can't help, and to stop getting annoyed  with myself.

Another step forward happened today when still recovering from a bad migraine this evening I decided to ask Dad if we could go for a walk, this might seem a strange thing but going out is obviously something I hate so to voluntarily ask to go out is a step forward. Due to still having slight visual disturbance I didn't feel up to going out on my own but at least its a step forward. I really hope tomorrow to go to camera club which I haven't been to for several weeks as I haven't felt well enough to go, so really hope to tomorrow, as i miss going, if I do manage I plan to do both the walk there and home on my own. If I do manage to go I think my treat is going to be to spend the afternoon playing on the Wii.

Smile Files and Walking

Managed the first walk in sometime on my own today, wasn't too far but its a new start as far as getting out on my own is concerned. It is all too easy to let it go and when I do it becomes harder, it might seem like a funny thing to say but for me walking outside on my own is something I have to keep doing to keep practising else it becomes so hard for me to do.

Last weekend was spent completing a few of my smile files/scrapbooks. When the idea was initially introduced to me the idea was to take photos of things that make you smile and then add them to a book, so that when you are feeling down you could look back at these images, they could be of anything and only mean something to you. I have taken this idea and modified slightly for my own use and created several books, one book which is nearly filled over the weekend is of various pieces of paper collected during my travels. This can include postcards, tickets and leaflets, and included things from my travels to Nigeria, South Africa and the USA as well as some travels in the UK. It reminded me of places I have been and people I have met and also makes me think of places I still want to visit.

Meccano not so theraputic

I recently started doing meccano as a way of focusing my mind on something else in order to help with my depression and panic/anxiety attacks. On the whole this has worked, but not tonight. I was coming to the end of building my remote control car when the instructions on several occasions wanted me to do things that would have involved either me to have surgery or for me to get my 2 year old niece to try and fit the part. When this happened for the fourth time I really lost all sense of proportion and stormed off, I have been trying to learn to keep my temper but there comes a point when I just get so frustrated that the only outlet I have is to lose it. I then started to think it was me, that I was stupid, telling myself that this model was suitable for a child aged 8 upwards I should be able to do it so the fact that I can't means I am stupid and worse that a child of 8. This thought process is common when my depression is about to and has taken hold, because it is an argument that is not supported by any evidence.

My Dad then did the sensible thing, he looked at the plans and tried to build the part himself, he grew up building meccano models, in the end he had to admit defeat. Eventually though various swear words and resorting to our small pile of existing meccano we found bolts and nuts to fit. So I managed to finish, and promptly had a panic attack. This hasn't stopped me from wanted to build something else because at the beginning the building process really did help to occupy my mind, which very little does to the same extent. So the next model is a small helicopter, but soon I plan to build a small scale model of a trebuchet once I can get dad to stop thinking about possible damage I could cause once I have built it.

Meccano Therapy

Not been such a good few days for me, was looking forward last Friday to going to Cardiff to see the Quarter Finals of the women's football in the Olympics, Japan v Brazil, unfortunately when i woke up Friday morning I had a migraine so it was impossible to go. This then triggered a bout of depression as i felt I had given in and also because I had been looking forward so much to going. This latest bout of depression has come with a side measure of panic attacks. It has got to the stage now with the panic attacks that I have had so many that when one occurs  I stop what I'm doing and simply ride it out concentrating on slowing down my breathing.

Last night I had yet another panic attack late in the night and as I sat downstairs I thought that it would be worth trying to do something to distract myself, i realised that i had a remote control car to build out of meccano and started to do it. After about an hour on it, and barely getting any of it built I realised how good a decision it was. When the depression is bad, or panic/anxiety attacks occur all too often I get angry and this anger ends up being turned inwards, last night doing the meccano I had something else to focus and periodically get annoyed with, but as it took so much focus to either decipher the plans , find the right piece or get the nut to go onto the bolt that there wasn't space in my mind for anything else.

After several hours of building this is as far as I have got, step 8 of 23.

Choices

I decided last night that I had three choices, the first one to die i've been told isn't really an option, but for me knowing that t is there does in a strange way help. SO the two main options are to hide away and wrap myself up doing nothing and getting nowhere, my second choice is to try and do things, to take small steps and not to take on too much at once or try to make too many changes in my life at one time.

I decided that the second option was the one for me, that isn't too say that I am well now, or that I wont  have bad times again, but I cant let this beat me and one way to ensure that is to try and keep busy, with this in mind today I signed up for a photography course which will take me out one evening a week and have also filled in my application form for a soft furnishing course. So that are my small steps for today. Tomorrow's small steps will be to have my driving lesson and to go to camera club, which involves a walk on my own by a busy road along with having to get up early (for me).

Still Fighting

Have to admit I had a really bad night last night, the thoughts for self harm were really strong, so strong that I even started to look for my knife, but some how I found the strength to fight it. It is difficult to explain to people who never have experienced these feelings why the urge to hurt yourself comes about. The only way I can explain it is how it feels to me. When it happens I get overwhelmed with the feelings/thoughts that if I cut my arm or stomach I will feel better. Now my qualifications are in science subjects and logical thought is my area of expertise but I can honestly say hand on heart that when I start, like last night, getting these feelings it feels totally logical that harming myself will bring me a form of release from the pain the various thoughts in my head are causing me. On those occasions when I have given into the feelings I have felt a sort of peace, but this is short lived and so the cycle goes on. But it is hard fighting doing something that I know will give me, even if only for a short moment, some peace.

But I haven't given in this time with the exception of when the thoughts were really bad of biting the inside of my cheek,  as I found this distracted me briefly from the thoughts and allowed the more logical part of my brain to assert itself. The longer my illness continues the more I realise how complicated the brain and all its functions are. There are so many other parts of the body that we understand and can either repair or replace. Several years ago my dad had almost a complete heart overhaul, with a quadruple bypass and a new heart valve. Yet when it comes to depression all the modern medicine can do is hope than one of a myriad of different anti-depressants might help.

But when all is said I have made it through another day, tomorrow is a challenge as I have a driving lesson and I am very much affected by my mood when I drive, so if my confidence is down the slightest mistake and I go to pieces so tomorrows challenge is to do my driving lesson and not allow mistakes to really bother me.

Bribery

Despite taking two sleeping tablets last nights, two hours after taking them I was still wide awake and feeling worse by the minute. I did manage to get up and do something to try and take my mind off my thoughts but could only cope physically with doing it for an hour.

That is one of my problems, when my depression is this bad I have no energy, strength and start to shake. There are also problems with my concentration as well as the fact that things that previously I love no longer interest me, the phrase going through the motions sums me up.

Before I settled down to try to get some sleep my thoughts were all about self destruction so I made myself a bribe that if I got through the night without hurting myself I could buy a comic book, This might not seem such an incentive but recently I have been trying to cut down on the number I buy. I did manage to make it through the night the only problem then was the book I wanted is out of print. I have to be careful not to see coincidences like this as being a case of the world being against me.

Purpose

People have been saying to me that I have plenty to live for, one of the problems I have is that I genuinely can't think of one.  This is not a case of me doing what I do well and catastrophizing,  something that is common with depression and anxiety, I really can't see what is so great about my life. 

That is such a hard admission to make, when I say this to others they point out my achievements, but that is all in the past, with the majority being done when I was a different person. Another problem with depression is that you can lose interest in things that you have previously enjoyed. The phrase I can't be bothered is inadequate to describe how I really feel about doing things that previously I have enjoyed. I feel like I am having to dig so deep to find the energy to write this and part of me is wondering why I am really bothering. The only reason I managed to get any photos taken yesterday was I used it to escape from a house full of people and noise. Things that I have used in previous bouts of depression to give me even the smallest lift are having no impact upon me this time which if I'm honest is very scary. i feel as if I'm in a very dark place that I have no idea of how to get out of.

Contents warning

Just over 2 months ago I decided to give my ex another chance, but last night I had that trust thrown back in my face in a really bad way. This has left me to put not too fine a point on it fighting for my life, it has triggered such a bad depression that despite being here before I cant see my way out, or if I am being trueful whether I want to find my way out.

What I mean by this is what is the point if this is my life. One of the few things I want in life was someone who loved me for me, I thought I found her just to have it destroyed. All I can think of now, even if it sounds self pitying, is that I am alone and will die alone. I want to know what is wrong with me.

I have spent most of last night and today fighting the thoughts not of self harm but of a way out. I am sorry of this sounds melodramatic or over the top but the point of this blog is for me to write what I feel and not what I think people would like to read.

Sleep where are you?

Well last night I tried to get to sleep before 4 am, I managed eventually to get to sleep by 2 o'clock unfortunately it was 2pm. So tonight despite how much I hate taking them I will have to resort to my sleeping tablets. I have to realise that it is going to take some time to get my sleeping into a somewhat normal pattern, after 15 years of insomnia. But if I am going to have hope of a normal life my sleep is a major issue that needs tackling. One of the main reasons for getting this sorted is so I can be prepared to apply for work, but another two reasons are a) being tired is a trigger for my migraines, b) being tired is a trigger for my depression.

There are going to be occasions when sleep is still going to be hard, and I have to accept that change isn't going to happen overnight, and at times is going to be hard. But it is one fight I am determined to win. I know for those of you reading this who have never had insomnia might be wondering what the fuss is about, imagine going to bed night after night and no matter how tired you are not going to sleep. Now instead of just a couple of nights of this image this night after night for 15 years.