Still Fighting

Have to admit I had a really bad night last night, the thoughts for self harm were really strong, so strong that I even started to look for my knife, but some how I found the strength to fight it. It is difficult to explain to people who never have experienced these feelings why the urge to hurt yourself comes about. The only way I can explain it is how it feels to me. When it happens I get overwhelmed with the feelings/thoughts that if I cut my arm or stomach I will feel better. Now my qualifications are in science subjects and logical thought is my area of expertise but I can honestly say hand on heart that when I start, like last night, getting these feelings it feels totally logical that harming myself will bring me a form of release from the pain the various thoughts in my head are causing me. On those occasions when I have given into the feelings I have felt a sort of peace, but this is short lived and so the cycle goes on. But it is hard fighting doing something that I know will give me, even if only for a short moment, some peace.

But I haven't given in this time with the exception of when the thoughts were really bad of biting the inside of my cheek,  as I found this distracted me briefly from the thoughts and allowed the more logical part of my brain to assert itself. The longer my illness continues the more I realise how complicated the brain and all its functions are. There are so many other parts of the body that we understand and can either repair or replace. Several years ago my dad had almost a complete heart overhaul, with a quadruple bypass and a new heart valve. Yet when it comes to depression all the modern medicine can do is hope than one of a myriad of different anti-depressants might help.

But when all is said I have made it through another day, tomorrow is a challenge as I have a driving lesson and I am very much affected by my mood when I drive, so if my confidence is down the slightest mistake and I go to pieces so tomorrows challenge is to do my driving lesson and not allow mistakes to really bother me.