Stil struggling on...but why????

Had another bad day. I'm trying not to sound like i'm moaning, and I know in some ways I am so much better off than others, but it doesn't stop the fact that today has been spent either fighting back the tears or mopping them up before someone sees them.

I know its the depression talking, but knowing and accepting are two very different things, and even if I was to accept that its just the depression and things will soon be better, it doesn't stop how I am feeling right now. And right here and now I've had enough of it all, of people saying that it will get better that I've been here before and have beaten it before, but I haven't beaten it because if I had why is it here now. To be honest I am wondering why people go on about how great life is, because I just don't get it.

For more than a decade I have been trying to beat this and don't feel like I am really getting anywhere. I am unemployed, live at home and am single. Not exactly how I saw my life panning out. I know you can't have everything you want but I don't want everything I just want an average life. I don't want to feel jealous of my own brother's life. Its not that he is a millionaire living a fabulous life, it's just he has a job he loves, lives in a lovely part of the world, has a good social life and a family that love him. Before anyone thinks it I am not getting broody, believe me just one child of my own would drive me up the wall let alone 3, but its the fact that he has made his way in the world to just an old fashioned term, something that I have spectacularly failed to do. I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone but I can't help it.

I am trying I really am but its not easy to do when I am wondering why I am trying.