The reason that I am quite pleased is because despite a distinct lack of sleep when the alarm event off this morning, only 2 hours worth, and a headache I managed to get up and go to camera club this morning. This did involve a walk on my own, and it was not along my normal route to camera club, as this would have involved trying to get through a locked gate. The task in camera club did take me well and truly out of my photographic comfort zone, this combined with the walk and being with people did trigger a panic attack but I coped.
The second part of my mind the self loathing part though is well and truly back it seems that no matter what I say to myself or do it has an answer to the negative, the voice in my head never seems to let up constantly telling me how fat and useless I am. I try to tell it its wrong and give it evidence but it always seems to have an answer. I know this probably makes me sound mad, but the voice in my head is the voice of my doubts, and instead of being a whisper or at least ignorable somehow mine has got hold of a megaphone and is determined that I will not ignore it. The main trouble is that this voice is destructive as the more it goes on at me the more I think why do I bother doing anything, its not worth it nothing changes. And so it goes on and on and the lonelier I feel and the more despondent about my recovery.
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