I hate Mondays

Due to getting uptight yesterday, about whether I would get enough sleep last night as I had Create today, I woke up this morning with a migraine that meant I couldn't go anyway. As a result I've spent today being annoyed with myself for allowing the depression and all that comes with it to once again win.

It is really hard to keep things in balance, to not allow the depression to take a disproportionate hold of my mind. Insomnia is one of these things that I have to keep in balance the more I worry about not getting enough sleep the less sleep I get. I do have sleeping tablets I have had prescribed, but (1) I hate having to take tablets and (2) if I only take 1 tablet it just takes the edge of the tension if I take 2 it can send me to sleep but leaves me feeling like a zombie the next day.

Thank goodness for auto focus.

The Fight Goes On

I can feel the depression trying to take hold of me, I am trying to hold it back, There is no reason for the depression to be making an appearance except for the problems with the balance of biochemicals within my brain. There is also the issue of self-sabotage due to the fact that as I have had depression for so long I have forgotten what it was like not to have it, as a result a part of my mind is content with the current situation and tries to keep me in the same place, along with the fact that I believe that I don't deserve to be either well or happy.

The insomnia probably isn't helping , but despite the reduced sleep I have still got up and done several jobs today including making marmalade. Also managed to get out for a short walk, though not on my own, as I know if I leave it for too long it becomes harder to walk out through the front door.

Sleep Perchance to Dream

My Insomnia is well and truly back, I've had it on and off for 16 years, but since January it was finally under control. Luckily I have still managed to get up and do things such as camera club, whereas in the past i would have slept during the day. It is important that I do manage to get up and am active during the day, for if i'm not then the depression really kicks in. For too long I waited to have the motivation to do something, then I was told that sometimes in order to get the motivation I need to do something. It sounded weird to me at the time, and I doubted it, but I have found it's true. So now unless I have a migraine I try and do something everyday.

Trying Hard

I am trying hard to maintain my mood. The last few days my mood has really improved but today it feels like I have been on a mini roller-coaster, as I seem to be up and then down and so on.

My early morning driving lesson went ok, despite the weather trying to spoil it. Done some other things to try and stabilise my mood but I can feel it slipping. I can also feel myself getting annoyed by this, I know I shouldn't be annoyed but I am. I am trying to focus on the positive, I haven't gone to sleep crying the last few nights, and that is a huge positive, but as usual my mind focuses on the negative and wont acknowledge the positive.

It is funny how the mind does work, one of the few things I want in life is to be happy, yet the moment it starts I look for ways to sabotage it. My mind starts looking for ways to spoil it, to stop it from happening, or reason why it isn't going to happen. Things that shouldn't matter my mind brings to the foremost and keeps there. I am trying hard not to let it win, the doubts etc remain but I haven't stopped doing what is making me smile.

Mixed

Today has been a mixed day, the insomnia seems to be back, so functioning on very little sleep. Managed to get up and go into town with dad, had an achievement when I walked two blocks in town on my own and without my mp3 player.

Was hoping to go to soft furnishings class today but a stomach bug has stopped me, surprised that it was the social side of the group that I have missed the most.

It is important that we don't reply on others for our own happiness. But this is very difficult to do, for our interactions with others can have such a profound impact upon on our lifes. This impact can be both positive and negative. But just an enquiry about someone's health out of the blue or a session of sending texts late at night can have such an impact upon someone's life.

One step forward.

Probably due to the down, down, up nature of my mood yesterday I had a really bad nights sleep. Though instead of getting worked up about it I went on facebook and made a joke about it.

Couldn't believe it this morning when my alarm went off, for a moment I thought it was a mistake, then I remembered that I had camera club and if I was planning to go I'd better get up.

Outside the rain was trying to make up for its lack of appearances in the last couple of months by pouring down, so combined with the lack of sleep I had a great reason not to go.

But I did go, I was slightly late, which I hate, due to the fact that the entrance I normally use was locked. This added to the fact that there was no one from the photo tales group I attended made the morning slightly stressful.

I did the walk there and back on my own, without having to call my dad for morale support, the walk home even involved a detour to pick up milk.

This afternoon I had an energy assessment of the house, which meant having not only to deal with a stranger but to deal with him in my house.

But despite all this stress and anxiety, my stomach may be bad but my mood isn't too bad..

The fight goes on

Been a bit of a tough day. Early driving lesson, didn't crash though not from the lack of trying.

Still fighting the depression of the last week or so, doesn't help when you find out that the person who just over 8 months ago was telling you they loved you and wanted to be with you is now engaged to someone else. Its not that I wanted her back, its the fact that I now doubt everything she said to me.

Didn't allow this news to stop me going out for a little walk though not on my own.

Missed

Since January I have only missed one day of work, unfortunately today I had to miss another. This was due to a migraine so bad that it hurt to have my head on the pillow, I was also seeing far more items than I should have been, so a day of photo and video editing didn't seem a good idea.

But I am a little more accepting of the fact that I couldn't go, I haven't been beating myself up quite so much with the thought that I was backing out, or running away. The headache was a result of the recent bad depression and not due to stress over meeting new people.

Its now 10pm and I haven't started crying yet, which going by the past week is a definite improvement.

Long dark night of the soul

Mental illness is increasing, especially depression. Part of this is our lifestyles we have plenty of acquaintances but few real friends who are prepare to give a little of their busy life's to help to be prepared to listen to give of ourselves. For if we bottle things up there will come a time when the bottle has to overflow.



Hamlet asked to be or not to be to ....
He was asking whether he had the strength to go on living to continue doing what he had to do. It gets tiring when every knock at the door or ringing of the phone makes u anxious. When going into town becomes a major event. And the thought of going out at night impossible. Even if I could summon the strength and courage to go out who to go with, where to go that wont freak me out within 10 minutes.

Recently for some reason I have been going through the long dark nights of my soul, I have come to realise several things, but whether those realisations are true or just my mind interpreting information incorrectly once again, only time will tell.

Hyper Logicality

Last night things got really bad. I kept hearing in my head what a freak I am, that I am a lonely freak that no-one could ever love. I'm sure if I looked at things rationally I could explain where all these thoughts stem from, but the depression does not allow true rational thinking.

The depression either allows me to totally ignore any logical thoughts of mine or others, or it goes into so called hyper rational thought, where my mind starts out quite logically but then goes past the point where most people would stop and takes it to a point where the logic becomes destructive.

I know that my mind is blowing something out of all proportion and I have tried to stop it but it goes on and on with it to the point where it is beginning to seriously affect me. I try to voice my fears, my destructive thoughts but I am scared that people will think me silly for having them. There is no point people telling me no to worry believe me that is the one thing guaranteed to make me annoyed. I am worrying and being told not to feels like my fears are being belittled. I just want to talk them through for someone to take the time to ask me whats up, and to care enough to listen and help me through.

Tactical Retreat

I had 2 appointments today, a meeting to discuss my CV and a friend and her kids were coming round to visit. Last night I had a really rough night and didn't get to sleep till nearly 6 am, probably as a result I woke up with a really bad headache. In the past I would have cancelled both appointments, but instead I just cancelled the appointment about my CV as it will be easy to reschedule this.

It was lovely to see an old and caring friend, though I did feel a little embarrassed when I broke down in tears. This is probably cause in the past I would be the one who gave comfort when she was upset.

It seems slowly that this blog is becoming 3 things, a record of my recovery from 2 breakdowns, encouragement to complete my photographic challenge and a a place for me to put down and let go of  some of the thoughts and fears that frequent my mind.

Despite what might be surmised through reading previous entries in my blog I am trying hard to feel positive, but so much knocks me back. These knocks take many forms mainly they are my own thoughts, but some come in the form of other people, either those I know or those I don't. The people I don't are those who shout abuse at me in the street, or voice opinions on the radio. Those I know hurt me in little ways.

So often I feel on the edge desperately trying to get in. I'm the one who people forget to invite, simply overlooked. I am the one people turn to when they need something, the nice one, the reliable one, the so so so lonely one.

The one who all too often cries herself to sleep, so scared, hating the feelings of loneliness that fill me, capable of feeling lonely even when surrounded by people I think I know.

Edvard Munch's painting The Scream is thought as an analogue for depression, the screamer is screaming but not heard but those nearby, a scream in the head. A scream for peace for normality a scream for help that like so many go unheard or ignored. Munch said of the painting  "for several years I was almost mad… You know my picture, 'The Scream?' I was stretched to the limit—nature was screaming in my blood… After that I gave up hope ever of being able to love again." I truly know and echo how he felt

Empty

The week is nearly over and I should be proud of what I have achieved this week but I feel empty.

I'm trying to think that feeling empty is better than feeling depressed but I know when I feel like this the slightest thing can knock me in free fall. I'm trying not to dwell or to just expect the depression, but I can feel it there slowly creeping up on me. It feels a bit like the game I played as a kid where one person tried to catch all the others moving when their back is turned, so they turn round quickly and we had to stop moving. I catch a glimpse of the depression and can feel it moving closer. I try moving away by doing all the things various therapists etc. have told me to try but its still creeping up on me.

I managed to have a driving lesson this morning and survived the various idiots on the road, this afternoon I walked to and from my sewing class on my own. But still I feel the tears welling up.

There are so many thoughts going round in my head that I never seem to be at peace. Some of these thoughts I write in this blog, some I tell a friend but some remain where they are. The ones that remain are my true deep fears that go to my core, and have become a part of me, fears that I am even afraid to think about let alone give a voice to.

Someone else

Spent last night crying and wishing I was someone else, who that someone else is I don;'t mind, I would like to be thinner and far more confident, but would settle for just someone with just a little self esteem.

Despite the panic attacks and a lack of sleep I managed to wake up with the alarm and got up. Then managed to get to Camera Club, despite being the first there and wondering for some time if anyone else was going to turn up. Eventually there were 4 of us 2 from the old group and 2 of us from the new group, so at least I knew someone.

Then the subject for today's session was announced and my heart sank, it was portraits. So we were split into groups and went outside to take portraits. One panic attack later I had managed to get some shots taken. Then it was back indoors to look at what we had all taken, and for once I actually agreed that one of the shots taken of me was ok, providing that I didn't have to look at it for too long.

Going to Camera cub today meant getting early for the third day in a row, plus two walks on my own. As I had been up early the last two mornings and had a bad night last night I was pleased that I made it to camera club, plus I didn't ask my Dad to walk me even part of the way.

Busy week continues tomorrow with a driving lesson in the morning and a soft furnishing class in the afternoon, which will involve another two walks on my own.

I did it my way

Managed to get up in time for my driving lesson, despite my instructor saying I did well, still hard on myself for the stupid mistakes I made.

It was tempting when I got home to say that's it I'm off to bed, but I managed to go out for a walk with dad to Tescos and then the library. Unfortunately Tesco's did its usual trick of triggering a panic attack, but I was slightly expecting it, and my new technique of ignoring them and accepting them seems to lessen their impact upon me.

Despite most of the time enjoying listening to a RADIO 5  I must stop listening to it just before going to bed as once again an item on it has really got to me. On Sunday night there was a phone in where people were arguing whether fat people should be allowed on TV, some of the people who phoned in were being very cruel about what they had to say about people who are overweight. Once again I feel like its a personal attack even though these people don't know me. Yet another reason to hide.

Yet Through it All

Despite a serious lack of sleep and added panic attacks I managed to get up and go to Create this morning. During the short walk from the bus stop to Create I managed to have another panic attack, and for the first time  in just over a year of going I seriously contemplated getting on a bus and going home to bed. But I kept going.

These feelings were probably due in part to the thought of meeting new people, but fate still had a card to play, and decided that after building me up, none of the new people were in today, so I have to do all this again next week.

I still have to keep in mind that I did go when it would have been so easy not to. To add to that achievement I walked home from the bus station on my own and without phoning my dad and having him waiting on the doorstep. At least four more walks on my own this week all being well, with Camera Club and sewing class to go to.

Interesting Times

It is important that I remember that just because I am struggling today doesn't mean that it is bad.

Still having the panic attacks, but not so worried about not knowing why I'm having them. Really pleased though when my Dad earlier said if you go tomorrow to Create I corrected him and said when. It might not seem like a big deal, but when normally you look for any excuse not to go out having the mindset that you are going out is a step forward.

This year I have only missed one Wednesday, due to a migraine, so its important to me that I keep this up. I know tomorrow is Monday but this week marks a change to my schedule. From now on I'll be going to Create Solutions on a Monday in order to allow me to go to Photo Tales Camera Club on Wednesday Mornings.

I know its going to be an interesting week, as on two occasions I will be meeting new people, luckily on both occasions this is happening in locations that I am familiar with, which makes it slightly easier. Plus I have three early mornings, for me, in a row. Its important that I accept that I will be anxious and that is understandable, but not to allow the fear and anxiety to prevent me doing anything that I want to do.

What a way to spend a weekend

Since Wednesday night I have been having panic attacks and anxiety attacks, though don't know what triggered them. They started when I was curled up in bed reading a car magazine, so nothing obvious as a trigger. Normally I'll have one or two then nothing for a few days but this time they just keep happening and so I'm trying hard to relax so that the fear or anxiety of having the attacks doesn't become self fulfilling.

With the result I'm absolutely shattered, I feel like I'm recovering from a bad dose of the flu. All to often I forget that the symptoms of mental illness can affect you physically. Its important that I allow myself to recover but to find the balance of not giving in and allowing it to become an excuse to hide.

Another thing that is important is for me to try and discover the cause, I won't allow myself to worry over not knowing but during the breaks in the panic and anxiety I am trying to remember what my thought processes might have been just prior to an attack. The problem is that the brain is so fast and thoughts that can impact greatly on you do not necessarily need to linger in my mind or announce their presence loudly.

One area that I am aware is a problem is that I am trying to change so many aspects of my life, so this week I plan to make a list of the changes I want to make and create an approximately schedule for them. This means that I can prioritise these changes and stop them from paralysing me with fear.

Overlooking

It is difficult sometimes when I have to relearn how to do things that I once took for granted being able to do. For example cooking. When I was in Uni I once cooked a full roast dinner for all my house mates without breaking a sweat, now if I try to cook something with more than one pan I panic, if two pans are involved one has to be something I can just keep warm.

So yesterdays tea was an achievement as it involved 3 saucepans being used simultaneously with only one of those pans containing something that could be kept warm, the other 2 pans I had to get the timing right, plus I was cooking something I had never cooked before. When you add double vision  you could say I didn't make it easy. But I managed everything ended up on the plate and was cooked and hot.

So definitely an achievement, it is easy for me to belittle these achievements and say that what do I expect as I once could do this stuff, but I'm not that person any more and never will be, I have to remember that and try not to be so hard on myself and acknowledge these achievements when they happen.

Double Trouble

Slight break to my steps forward. Had a bad night of panic attacks, don't know what set them off, I was curled up in bed reading a car magazine when they started, so I've no idea what triggered them. They carried on for several hours, a mix of panic attacks and anxiety attacks. As a result another bad nights sleep and I woke up absolutely soaked due to night sweats.

Probably as a result my head hasn't been too good, with double vision and a brewing migraine. This unfortunately meant that I had to cancel my driving lesson, it is hard enough learning to drive without seeing double the number of actual cars.

I am trying to not get down on myself, to keep in mind that I have made achievements in the last two days all being well I'll be back on track tomorrow.

Dichotomy

As I spend time trying to get better, I am realising how strange a mix I am.

I have always loved cars, especially classic cars, despite being passionate about the environment. When I was really ill I stopped buying magazines about them as I believed that either I would never get my driving license or I would never be able to afford a classic car. I have recently started learning to drive, reawakening my love of cars, so I have started buying magazines again. After reading one last night I came to the realisation of another dichotomy in my personality, I want a car that is different that stands out from the crowd, such as a Triumph Herald Convertible, but at the same time I have overwhelming urge to hide.

Really think I achieved something today. Still have insomnia, so not getting to sleep till really late, this wasn't helped by the addition of a bad stomach. As a result when my alarm went off this morning the temptation was really great to go back to sleep and miss going to Create Solutions. But remembering yesterdays blog, were I said I am trying hard to get myself in a position to look for work, I got up and went. I did have to leave slightly early (25 minutes), but at least I went. On top of this were two short walks and bus journeys on my own, plus two walks through town with Dad.

Another tiny step forward

Today's walk was brought by me through the album Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge.

Due to circumstances I haven't been out for a walk on my own since last Wednesday apart from brief visits in my garden. I had an excuse not to go out again tonight as I am still recovering from a migraine which tends to leave me slightly shaky, plus I had a driving lesson this evening which introduced me to the joys of driving through Swansea at 5-6pm.

But instead of allowing the excuses, and the people who have put in in this fear of being out, to win, tonight I managed to go for a walk to get some stuff from Tescos. Due to the lovely cloud formations that I wanted to try and photograph I walked an extra block to get the following shot.

This was the second achievement for today, the first was booking on of my lessons for 8.45 am next week. Those who know me know I hate getting up in the morning, this isn't helped with my  insomnia, but I want to get well enough to work, and part of this is being able to get in the morning and get on with things. It was tempting to ask for a later lesson, especially as I am up earlier on Monday and Wednesday, but it is going to take time to get used to getting up and the more practice I have the easier it will become.

It is going to be strange tomorrow as I have Create Solutions but no Photo Tales, and Photo Tales Camera Club doesn't start till next week. But things change nothing remains the same, like atoms we are always moving.

Being nicer to myself

Didn't manage to get out for a walk today, this was in part due to a migraine and part due to the weather. Though I did manage to get into my garden for a few minutes, and at least I managed to do the job my Dad needed me to do.

In the past if I don't manage to get done what I plan to do I am very hard on myself. I would end up calling myself fat, lazy and useless. No one can be as hard on me than I am on myself.

So along with the challenge of writing this blog, and taking a photo every day I am hoping to start not being so hard on myself, to realise that sometimes things do not go according to plan for a variety of reasons, some of which are outside of my control.

Another thing I have to realise that it doesn't matter what the reasons are for my fears for going out, it doesn't matter if other people think that they are petty or stupid, they are important reasons to me and that is all that matters. Instead I have to come to terms with them and to start to rationalise them and put them into context.

Mind affecting body

Had a really rough night, and woke up soaking due to night terrors. So allowed myself to be lazy today.

I am trying not to be so hard on myself. I had planned to go for a walk on my own today, but really didn't feel up to it, so went for a little walk with Dad. Instead of beating myself up I have said to myself that at least I went out for a walk, and perhaps tomorrow I will feel more able to go out on my own.

Due to what happened a couple of nights ago the fear of going out has increased once again, partially due to the fear of  bumping into a specific person. I know its a silly fear but my mind has blown it out of all proportion  to the point where just the thought of it happening makes me feel sick. Just writing this now obviously brings the thoughts to the forefront of my mind and has triggered a panic attack.

I hope that with time and slowly building up my exposure to being outside that the fears will subside.

????

I really don't want to write today's blog. Something happened last night that really got to me, what it was doesn't matter, what does is the impact it had on me. I suppose the reason it doesn't matter is that I am afraid that people will judge me, think that my reaction was out of all proportion. The event affected me so much I actually had to reach out to a friend for help because I was afraid if I didn't I would do something stupid.

Luckily the friend didn't belittle my reaction and tried her best, despite the late hour, to help me. She then texted me again this morning to check how I was. This meant a lot to me. I still haven't got over it but at least I've stopped crying all the time and can see that I am stronger than I think.

Letting Go

Due to having more loft installation added in the attic, everything that had been dumped up there over the last 20 plus years had to be removed, as it all couldn't go back it needed sorting. I am so bad at letting go of stuff, I believe in the mottos just in case, or you'll never know when it might come in handy.

Not letting go also applies to my mental well being. There are things that have happened to me that I should be able to go of, but for some reason I can't. It is true that it is easier to forgive than to forget. But there are some things that I am finding hard to forgive let alone forget. 

There are things I want to move on from but am finding it difficult to. I know certain things will get easier with time, such as the effects of the bad breakup of my last relationship, but other things I believe I am just going to have to live with such as the relationship or lack of with my mother, though if one more person says I should love her because she is my mother I might finally pluck up the courage to tell them what I have been dying to tell everyone who has said this to me, firstly they don't know the situation and secondly its none of their business. But I know me and that isn't going to happen, I'll just make some sort of sound of agreement and leave all the resentment to carry on building up in side.

It is far easier to say 'you should be able to move on' but not so easy to do when you feel like you've not had the chance to put a full stop to the matter, or had chance to fully understand what has happened.

Mixed

Today has been a weird day, a real mix of good and bad. It started off with a driving lesson at 9.30, which was a mix, I managed to do the turn in the road manoeuvres for the first time, but was described by my instructor as being in a kerb hugging mood. For some reason I was having to really concentrate, and didn't enjoy it as much as normal. But I still felt pleased with myself for not cancelling the lesson and for managing the turn in the road manoeuvres well.

Unfortunately the day was then put on pause, I got home and managed to do a few jobs before I could do no more. I had to do something I hadn't done in ages and go back to bed where I feel asleep. I think this was because the depression of the last two weeks has caught up with me. I hate doing this because it makes me feel like I've given in to it but I am slowly accepting that sometimes I have to in order to be able to carry on later.

The train stayed on the tracks

Today's two walks on my own were brought to you through listening to My Chemical Romance Danger Days.

Despite a change to my plans today, I think I coped well, in fact I feel that I coped better than I did last week. Instead of one walk on my own as I had planned I had to do two. I was a little anxious, but as I said not as much as last week.

I am finding that by setting myself the challenge of taking a photo everyday it is making me think about going out more, and I know that all being well, the more I go out the easier it will become. The challenge is going to be the next few weeks as schools are on holidays, and the occasions I have had abuse in the street has been from kids. As a result I do find it harder the more kids/teens that are about.

I think taking photos is becoming addictive, on my way home today I didn't plan to take any photos but the colours of some foliage caught my eye and I thought they might make nice shots.

I then ended walking home with my camera in my hand just in case I saw something else. I also think I did this cause the camera acts as a barrier between me and the world. I know in reality in some cases my pausing to take a photo will attract more attention as people try and figure what I am photographing and why, but in my mind it allows me to take a break from the hectic world and recompose myself, allowing me to carry on.

I need a second skin

It is so tempting to build myself a shell so that the world cannot ever hurt me again.  But a shell would mean that the world could not be touched by me.

I often wish that  I did not not feel or care as much as I do. I had been away from the world for so long after my first breakdown unfortunately the moment I allowed myself to become part of the world I was hurt so bad I wanted to kill myself. So now I am scared, scared of being out there, scared of being alone, convinced that this is it, this is what my life holds for me.

I know that it is up to me what I make of my life, but fear is overwhelming. I am intelligent I know that its up to me, I know that the fears are in my mind but that realisation, use of logic doesn't make it any easier.

When I was growing up I was the person who others came to for advice, now I need help myself and I don't know how to ask for it. I don't even know what help I want, only that I need some.

For the last 3 months I have been attending a group called Photo tales Swansea, who have been helping a group of us who are disadvantaged in some way to use photography to tell our story. In some ways I have found this group more demanding than when I did my Masters degree. It has put me through the emotional wringer. I have written in an earlier blog entry about the problems I had with the self portrait lessons. I also realised the power of photos to provoke memories that I had even thought I had dealt with or that I hadn't thought were a problem.

Tomorrow is the final session, when we will submit photos for an exhibition in June. Its going to be hard cause its the last one, and despite the problems and issues its raised I do look forward to going. Luckily its not the end as there is a Camera Club all those who do the Photo Tales can go along to, but its different and change can be hard, as I have said before I like my train tracks, and to go to the Camera Club not only does it mean that Photo Tales is over but I have to change the day I go to Create Solutions. But looking at it positively it means that I will have to get up early at least twice in a week, plus those mornings I have an early driving lesson. So its one step forward in getting prepared to start looking for work.

The pursuit of happiness.

Today has been a write off due to waking up with a migraine. I am trying not to give into aches and pains because if I do I would never get anything done unfortunately migraines are one of the exceptions to the rule.

I was watching a tv programme last night when one character made a wish for another that they would find happiness and the other character replied that she didn't know what that was. I must admit to agreeing with that character. Since my second breakdown I feel that I have lost what it is to be happy. Part of me thinks that I  am scared to be happy, and part of me thinks that I don't deserve to be happy. I understand where both thoughts come from, what I need to be able to do now is to work my way through this.

I'm still standing.

Went to visit my new nephew in hospital, he remained so content throughout the visit, I hope in the future he remains as content.

Due to the gorgeous weather my Dad and I decided to walk home from the hospital (approx 1.5 miles), and to do a couple of geocaches along the way. I thought this was rather apt as this is a hobby that I hope to pass onto my 2 nephews and niece in the future. Its been a great hobby for me, one that along with photography gets me out. If it hadn't been for the geocaching and photography I would not have walked home today.

After the way I have been feeling the last 10 days or so I could have found every excuse to hide, but instead it appears that I have been using whatever I could to be an excuse to continue. I'm not saying everything is now ok, I am still fighting against the thoughts to hurt myself, and I am also having to give myself reason to carry on, but I am not asking myself what's the point of carrying on quite so often.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it might not be the light from an oncoming train