Only Just

Really really didn't want to write this blog entry today. I have a lot going round in my head at the moment and I don't know how to deal with it, previously my method of dealing with it was to hide, to totally withdraw from the world till I thought the problem would have gone away. But I am trying so hard not to do this, and even completed and 1 1/2 hour driving lesson today.

The thought of just concentrating on my recovery and narrowing activities down to just those that will help me get a job is very very tempting, to concentrate purely on Create and driving lessons is being shouted by my mind, but I have to consider if this would simply be another way of hiding.

Crossroads

One set of lyrics keeps going round my head at the moment, from an Annie Lennox song the line 'dying is easy its living that scares me to death'. I think the reason for the lyrics are going round my head is because it sums up so much how I feel at the moment. Things that I thought were dealt with are resurfacing and are not as I once thought they were. I have to figure out how I feel about them, what they mean to my life now and do I believe or even trust the person telling me these things. The main problem is do I try to deal with the situation on my own or do I try and explain the situation to someone and ask for their help, if I go that way who to ask for help. I know sometimes my friends question my need to hide away from the world. Well this week is a classic reason why, but still fighting hard not to fall back into old ways, using this blog as one way to make sure I don't hide away totally.

Sliding down the snake

Really gone backwards in the last 24 hours. I didn't want to write this blog today as I am finding it hard to think about my thoughts. All started going backwards when I received an email from my ex fiancée, this has resulted in dragging up memories that I thought I had dealt with but obviously haven't.

I suppose I should deal with the memories and emotions that have been brought to the surface but I am unable to do so, I don't have the toolkit to deal with them, resulting in me not knowing how to deal with them. Rather funny that this should arise now, I had a letter a couple of days ago asking me to make an appointment for a psychological review of my treatment. I have now been waiting for over 2 years for the psychological counselling that my psychiatrist says I need in order to be able to recover fully, the counselling would equip me with the toolkit I need to deal with the memories and emotions that I have had to deal with in the last 24 hours.

So I am currently having to struggling with feelings that I should be able to deal with but for some reason I am not, with the result that the depression rears its head and adds to my confusion. I have spent today fighting the very strong urge to hide from the world, hiding I know doesn't make the problem/issue go away but can sometimes make me feel like it does.

Still no migraine

Managed to get up this morning when the alarm went off. Despite feeling awful both physically and mentally I managed to make it to Create. So the day was spent trying to learn to video edit.
I did get a small reward for my effort today, decided to treat myself lunch time to a bag of minstrels, and entered the competition code that was on the bag, and for once I won. Not a huge prize, a book token, but enough to lift me a degree.

No Migraine

Managed to get up this morning when the alarm went off, found myself sitting on the edge of my bed before I had even managed to wake up. Had another trip to Cardiff, at this rate it will not be too long before this journey no longer presents any anxieties to me.

Had a lovely day, and managed to visit the farmers market, and only had a little anxiety even though, for me, it was busy.

I planned to walk home on my own but Dad decided to come to meet me, which I was glad of as I was absolutely shattered physically and mentally.

Writing this before an earlish night due to Create tomorrow, I am absolutely shattered but pleased that I don't have a migraine.

Going for Gold

Well I did it, despite the growing anxiety and feeling nauseous I managed to see the Olympic Torch.

There were I realised, as I was waiting for the torch to pass, several reasons for my growing anxieties, firstly there was the fact that I was outside, secondly there was a growing crowd with people regularly walking passed where I was waiting. Yet despite all this I managed to wait, as I was determined that the fears weren't going to beat me. To give you an idea of what the fears mean physically to me, imagine the worse case of butterflies you have had, and add to that light headedness and a feeling of disorientation and you are coming close.

In some small way the camera helps as it can create a small barrier between me and the surrounding world. This feeling of a barrier no matter how artificial does help and allow me to be in situations where previously I wouldn't have been able to cope.

Having to let go

Had another  bad night. and haven't been able to enjoy the sunshine today due to yet another migraine. I came to the realisation this afternoon that perhaps I am trying too hard, trying hard to sleep and trying too hard to recover.

I have spent the last week fighting all the fears in my head, telling myself they are stupid and that I am stupid to allow them to affect me. Somehow I have to learn to let go, something that I find near to impossible to do but if I want to have any sort of normal life, I have to learn.

Tomorrow the Olympic torch will be in Swansea and the route that it is taking means it wont be far from the house, I am planning to go and see it despite the fact that in all probability there will be crowds. But I refuse to allow my anxieties to stop me seeing a piece of history.

Hacked Off

Getting really hacked off with myself, managed to get some sleep last night but still woke up with a migraine. This stopped me going to sewing today. I wish I knew what was triggering the depression and anxiety this time. All I do know is that all my old fears are coming back and are threatening to overwhelm me. How am I going to get a job? How am I going to be afford to get a home? How am I going to afford anything??

I know these are things I shouldn't be worrying about but knowing and doing/thinking are two very different things.

As it is said tomorrow is another day and my plans for tomorrow are simply to get a few things done around the house, therefore no pressure on me. Lets see how it goes.

Some how made it

Today has been a really tough day. When my alarm went of this morning it was a real struggle to get up, this struggle has continued through out the day. I had camera club this morning and only got part of the way before I had to fight the urge to turn around and go back home. I managed to fight the urge and go to camera club, we went out to take some photos and I had to deal with anxiety attacks and a panic attack.

My day didn't end then, I had a driving lesson which I did go to and managed not to make any serious mistakes. By the time I got home though the physical effects of the depression and anxiety caught up with me, despite the temperature being 19C in the shade I had goosebumps and was cold, so had to have a hot water bottle and curled up in bed.

I could dwell on the struggling part of my day, but I am trying to focus on the fact that despite the depression and anxiety I still managed to get everything done today, and went out and did not hide.

Two Steps Back One Forward

Been a mixed day today. Its is interesting when a radio show does a phone in about depression, because another celebrity has come forward to say that they have suffered from it, how many people will phone in to say what have the celebrity got to be depressed about. Our society tends to equate happiness with physical belongings.

Some people would look at my life and probably wonder the same, but depression is indiscriminate, it does care what you do or don't own, what you do or don't do for a living.

For some reason my depression is well and truly back, there is nothing that I can put my finger on and say that is the reason, all I know is that the anxiety and panic attacks are definitely back, along with being extremely scared of what the future might bring. It is getting so back that it is coming close to paralysing me with fear. I am trying to fight it as well as I can, I did my driving lesson today and fitted a blind I made to the back door, and I plan to go to camera club tomorrow and another driving lesson. So I am doing what I can but the fear is there.

Anger

Been angry today, not sure if I am angry with myself or with the illness. I had planned to go to Create today but  had a bad night due to the depression, and woke up this morning with a really bad migraine. It frustrates me when I have to give in to it, I want to be well and I want it to happen now.

Therefore have been angry which I know doesn't help but sometimes I can't always be in the frame of mind that will be helpful for me. So whether today was anger, frustration or a mix I am not sure, all I am doing now is trying to relax, forget about today and concentrating on doing what I can to help myself be able to do my driving lesson tomorrow.

Tiny step back or forward

Had to take a day off today as I am physically and mentally recovering from yesterday. There was a time, not so long ago, that after the day had yesterday it would have taken me at least a week to recovery. All being well I am planning to go to Create tomorrow, if I do it means that my recovery is down to a day.

Had planned to do a couple of things today which I was unable to do, so feeling guilty about that, but if I look at things honestly I was not in a fit state to do those things, and in all probability if I had done them then I would not be able to go out tomorrow or possibly even on Tuesday.  So on one hand today can count as a failure and on the other I made a sensible decision concerning my health.

Just in Time

Today has been a long day for me, starting with a bus ride to Cardiff on my own, and ending with a walk home from the bus station at 8.30 pm. This is the latest I have been out walking on my own for a very long time, so long in fact that I don't even remember the last time.

As we were early for my bus home we decided to go for a drink, and despite the fact that the pub was far busier and louder than I had expected at that time of the night (6.45) I didn't run out. This coupled with not wanting to hide despite a few idiots giving out abuse in the street, means I think I have had a fairly good day.

Another Day Another Challenge

Had another driving lesson today, and managed to not allow a mistake to throw me off for the rest of the lesson. At the end of the lesson my instructor told me that I have got to the stage where he is giving me advice rather than teaching me, and that its important for me to get into my head that I can drive. In some ways this is going to be the hardest thing that I am going to have to learn.

Another Day Another Headache

The anxiety of recovery has caught up with me, the insomnia is still bad and woke up this morning with a migraine which meant I had to skip sewing class today. Recovery can be like walking a tightrope there are so many ways of falling off, but it is important that I try and forget the failures and concentrate on success.

Tomorrow I have another driving lesson which I have every intention of doing, and Saturday I have another trip on my own to Cardiff, again I am not looking to cancel. The fact that I am not trying to get out of things is a positive step forward. The way I am feeling today would have in the pass meant that by now I would have gone into hide mode, so I have to accept it is positive that I haven't gone into hide mode.

Decisions and Vicious Circles

My insomnia is still going well, which when added to a bout of depression does not add up to a good nights sleep.

When my alarm went off this morning I had a headache and a decision to make I had two things planned for today but I knew I could only manage one, so had to choose between camera club and driving lesson. In the end I decided that I had to do my driving lesson. Having to choose made me feel guilty and further depressed but I am trying to keep in mind that I have already done more this week than did last week, so I shouldn't see today as a failure. But no mater how often  I write this last statement or say it to myself part of mind my still feels like I have given in, when I am down these feelings become stronger and the stronger these feelings become the more depressed I feel, yet another vicious circle.

Crash Landing

Didn't have any thing on today so helped around the house, it produced an interesting effect, some of the work that needed doing was very physical. According to a lot of the literature I have read about depression, exercise can help to alleviate depression. I have found this to be the case. Yet within a very short time of finishing the work I had what I call a crash. My mood suddenly plummeted into depression for no obvious reason. Out of the blue I was fighting back tears and looking for assurances that I had done the jobs correctly.

In some ways this is one of the hardest thing about depression is not knowing when it will put in an appearance. With migraines you can usually find a trigger or set of triggers, yet with the depression it can feel sometimes that it will appear just for the sake of it.

Still Going Forward

Despite yet another late night due to insomnia and an early morning due to a house guest, I managed to get to Create, where I began learning video editing using Adobe Premiere.

For those who know me, know about me wearing baseball cap whenever I'm out, its one of my mechanisms for defence, yet this morning despite not being in a rush I forgot to put one on, and didn't realise until I was on the bus, even better I didn't panic as I know I would have once. Then when coming home I didn't ask Dad to meet me off the bus instead I got off the bus and walked through town, including calling into a couple of shops. All this despite not having one of my defence items.

The day after the day before

When I woke up this morning I expected, due to past experience, to be in all sorts of pain, this would be due to the build up of tension throughout yesterday, so was pleasantly surprised when I just had a bad headache and not a migraine. I know it sounds strange to be glad to have a bad headache but when you are expecting a migraine believe me a bad headache is a relief. The problem I have is that one of my triggers for a migraine is tension.

It is a good sign that I didn't get as tense yesterday as I would have previously. So its been a quiet day today as I recover and get myself mentally prepared to go into Create tomorrow. Its difficult to try and relax at the moment as I have missed the last two Mondays due to insomnia and migraines but I am aware that it can become a vicious circle that if I start worrying about getting enough sleep I wont get enough, so trying to distract my mind and try and keep it calm.

One Giant Leap

As I wrote in yesterday's blog today was a big step for me, a coach trip to Cardiff on my own. So I had plenty to get anxious about. It was tempting when I woke up this morning to turn the alarm off and go back to sleep, and hide away once again from the world. I avoided doing this and caught the bus.

I can be guilty of seeing the negative instead of the positive, and of not allowing myself to be happy, but this evening despite a headache and feeling a little anxious still from the journey I have had a very nice day.

another day coped with

Been really tired, and have struggled to be enthusiastic about anything, despite this I have managed to get a few jobs done, which in turn has lifted my mood slightly. It is so easy to leave things saying I'll do it when I feel better, but one of the most important things that I have learnt is that sometimes by doing something I feel better and by waiting to feel better first the depression continues.

Tomorrow is going to be a little bit of a challenge for me, as I am catching the bus to Cardiff on my own to meet someone there. This will be the furthest I've travelled on my own for a long time, so if I'm honest its a bit scary. Which feels weird as I used to travel all over the UK and have done some travelling in the US on my own. But it is important for me to remember that was the old me, and it is the new me I am now creating.

Another day dealt with

The physical effects of the recent bout of depression has caught up with me. Had every intention to go to sewing this afternoon, but wasn't able to due to the fact that I was shaking and extremely tired. Not a good combination when planning to cut out fabric and use a sewing machine.  I am finally beginning to listen to my body, and not see it as a failure, I am not giving in I am just allowing myself  time to recover.

I still feel that I have to justify my decisions, that people will think that I am just giving in and looking for excuses not to have to go out. But I am the only person who knows how I feel, I admit in the past I would have used it as an excuse, but I haven't been guilty of that for some time now, but I still feel people are judging me whether they are or not. This I have come to realise is part of the depression.

Back on Track

On the weekend I had a major blip, I had forgotten how low I could feel so when it happened it surprised me. There were a variety of reasons why it happened, and I think I understand them now, I came out of it quickly in the main due to a variety of messages from friends either through texts or facebook. These messages stopped me from feeling lonely which would have made the matter so much worse.

Its hard to come back from such a low, I know I have done it before but each time is different and it is important that I give myself time to recovery but on the other hand don't pull out of normal life too much.

Today I should have had two activities, but due to a distinct lack of sleep I decided that going to camera club wasn't the best thing for me, a decision I was glad I made after my driving lesson. If I had attended camera club I probably wouldn't have felt able to do my driving lesson or worse still if I had done it would not have been able to give it my full attention. It is important that I learn that sometimes I have to find balance and compromise in my life and it is not a failure to do so.

No photo today

Minimum blog today as my depression is at the worse it's been since my last breakdown, the images currently running through my head frighten me. Can't stop crying and wish the entire world would disappear or let me disappear for once and for all

What a difference a day makes

Last night the depression definitely tried to overwhelm me, just when it threatened to get hold of me I received a phone call which cheered me up and deterred the depression. It is interesting how sometimes little things can affect the mood so much more than all the prescribed drugs that I have tried. Unfortunately it isn't always this simple to force the depression away, but the fact that it does occasionally gives me hope.

Today I have been fighting a migraine, due to the effort needed to keep going and fight the depression, but I haven't had to fight the depression alongside the migraine.

Depression can leave you feel incredibly lonely and isolated, even if surrounded by friends, if you know someone who has depression it is important that you frequently remind them that you are there for them, even if they don't reply keep letting them know, whether by sending a text to give them your latest news, or by adding a comment to something on their facebook page, keep the channels of communication open so that it is easier for them to make contact once they are feeling better.

Brain Chemistry

Why I am currently depressed is a complete mystery to me, it sometimes happens like this. Sometimes the cause is obvious, to me at least, it might be an item on the radio which can start my mind thinking in a wrong direction, or it maybe down to some particular event, for example if I believe I have failed in something. But this bout is a mystery, if I break my leg I will have a very good idea of the cause, but with depression sometimes the thought or action that can trigger it can be so fleeting as to not register on your concious memory.

It can be hard explaining this to people when they ask why I am feeling depressed. In fact this echoes my first breakdown, I had completed my degree and was about to start a job, in a part of Wales I love, I had found a flat to move to, and then one morning I woke up and nothing made sense, I didn't know if I was hungry or thirsty, I was terrified if someone asked me even a simply question of getting it wrong, even something as simple as what is your name, I would look for the trick. It was later explained to me that for some reason my brain blew a fuse, and it had needed a rest, this was from my consultant psychiatrist.

 
The depression gets slightly easier to cope with providing that I remember that I have come out of it before and will do again.

Small Victories

Depression and insomnia still keeping me company. Its interesting that no mater how exhausted and empty I feel I still manage to find that little bit more. After some sorting this morning this afternoon was sewing. Sitting at home before I went I once again had an argument with myself about whether I was going or not. I had missed last week due to a stomach bug, and know the more I miss the hard it becomes to go.

So despite feeling that I had nothing left to give I managed to go, though the exhaustion that the depression causes did make the walk up the hill feel twice as long. For those of you who have never had depression, the closest I can get to explain is the extreme tiredness you might feel after a dose of flu.

It was an interesting walk home, as I had completed about 1/3 before the anxiety kicked in. It was almost as if my brain had suddenly realised that I was outside on my own and walking. Lets hope this keeps up and soon I can complete 1/2 the walk before my brain wakes up.

Digging Deep

When the alarm went off this morning I started having an internal argument with myself.  Still having trouble sleeping and the depression has resurfaced, so when the alarm went off just after 8am I had to decide whether I was going to get up and go to camera club or not, the fact that I had a driving lesson later in the day was a consideration.

This internal argument probably took 5 minutes, and in the end I dug deep and decided to go. Because last week the gate at the back of Bryn House I decided to go the long way round, which is a new route for me on a Wednesday, the downside with it is it takes me along a comparatively busy road.  The noise from the traffic and the number of pedestrians triggered a panic attack, but instead of turning round and going home I kept on.

There were only two of us in camera club, so once again wondering what has happened to the rest of my photo tales group 2.

The walk to camera club wasn't the last challenge of the day, it was decided as the weather was fairly good we would go out to take some pictures. It was decided we would go to Singleton Park, where we spent just over an hour taking pictures. This was a challenge for me in a number of ways, first I hadn't planned mentally for this in advance, which is how I normally cope with going to new places, plus I forgot to take my mp3 player with me so had to cope without one of my usual coping strategies. But I did it with only 2 panic attacks, which is progress, plus I think I got some lovely photos and plan to drag Dad along there next month so I can take some more pictures as the park changes with the season.

Monday's blue and Tuesday To

Woke up this morning feeling like I hadn't had any sleep, and that someone had stolen all my energy. I have said in an earlier blog about some of the physical aspects of depression. All too often when people think about depression they purely think in terms of people being sad and down, but there is so much more to it. My depression has also meant developing a social phobia, panic attacks, a lack of self confidence and self esteem, and insomnia. On the physical side it has result in a great increase in migraines, pain in my neck and shoulders caused by tension, have developed IBS and when the depression is bad I have a distinct lack of energy. These are my extras to depression, someone else with depression will have similar and different symptoms. Just like all things people cannot be simply lumped together under one simplified category heading.

A diagnosis of depression doesn't mean that all you are experiencing are feeling of sadness and crying at odd moments, it is so much more and it is important that people who have never had it learn be be tolerant and accepting of those who do.