A pause in the proceedings

Well the plans I had for today went out the window. When I woke this morning not only did i have a bad headache also nearly every muscle in my body appeared to be aching. This muscle ache is a direct result of the stress and tension I put my body through yesterday.

But instead of saying well I wont manage to do any of my activity scheduling today I looked at the plan for the next few days and saw an activity that was planned for Sunday that I felt that I would be able to do today. So a little gardening was done, including the lovely job of picking blueberries.

The long session with my psychiatrist yesterday helped me to coalesce some ideas that have been floating around my head in recent weeks. I have come to realise that it is my anxiety that is the life limiting factor rather than the depression. We are seeing increased understanding about depression by the general public, though when mental health is talked about very little if anything is said about anxiety. Part of the problem is that everyone thinks they know about anxiety and therefore can't see why it should be a problem. Everyone at sometime in their life has been anxious at sometime or other, whether when about to give a speech in public or waiting exam results, so they assume that its not that big of a deal. But believe me it can be, imagine being anxious everyday, having anxiety growing into something approaching fear when faced with the things that scare you. Being scared of things that most people can do everyday without a second thought.


Whilst reading an article last night about Doctor who I came across a quote which Jon Pertwee as Doctor who said, and that I find and plan to try to hold onto.

'Courage isn't just a matter of not being frightened. It's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway'.

Failure

Well despite the months of practising I failed my driving test. I was so nervous and shaking, that despite doing my test this morning, I am still shaking. I will be honest and say that as my instructor drove me home I serious thought why am I bothering, what is the point all I am achieving is wasting money. This feeling is still strong but I have told my instructor that once I get back from my holiday I will be trying again.

The problem was that I was aware of the tester making marks so about half way round one of the difficult test routes I convinced myself that I had failed, with the result instead of saying to myself sod it I just kept making mistake after mistake, I have never stalled as often in any of my lessons.

So tonight the fight in my head goes on, probably not helped by having to spend and hour with my psychiatrist as he made sure he had my case history for the case study of me he is going to present to 3rd year medical students. I always find talking about my symptoms difficult as I am so scared that I am going to give a wrong answer, illogical I know but knowing that it is illogical doesn't stop the thoughts.

To ensure that I don't let depression set in this evening I made sure that I had activity scheduling set up for the next three days so that I keep busy and don't give the bad and illogical thoughts any space.

Altering the programme

I think whoever programmed my brain either missed out a few lines of the programme or some other error has creeped in.

I am trying to analyse certain thoughts that come into my head, the idea being if I can understand them better I stand a chance of altering some of my thought processes that I know are faulty. The prominent thought in my head at the moment is concerning my driving test, I have realised that I am not afraid to fail for me, as I know that I can do it again, I can afford both the time and the money, but I am afraid that I am letting others down, that I am letting my driving instructor down, letting my friends and family down, who have wished me well. This thought process I know isn't logical but some fault in my programming wont allow me to drop the thoughts, to accept that it is faulty and put out of my mind. Whether I will find the cause of the faulty programming i don't know and in someways it doesn't matter, hopefully I have taken another step to recovery by realising that there are faults in my thought process.

Now the next step to to learn which are the faulty thoughts and then learn to let go of them.

Finally

Well after what is hopefully is my final driving lesson, everything crossed, I think I have finally got what my driving instructor has been trying to teach me for the last few months, that if I make a mistake it doesn't matter, just pull forward and straighten out and then carry on.

All too often when I was making a mistake I allowed it to get to me so badly, to the extent that if I made a mistake at the start of my lesson I might as well of gone home because for the rest of the lesson I would keep making mistakes because I found it impossible to put it out of my mind. I hope now that slowly I can take this lesson and apply it to the rest of my life, though I feel this might be a lot harder to do than it is with my driving, but time will tell.

Not long now till my driving test and I am already feeling sick with the anxiety I'm trying hard to keep in mind that its not that important and I have the time to do it again.

Finally got it

I think I might have finally worked something out, I think for some reason my life has decided to become the hokey cokey. One minute I go forward and the next I seem to be going backwards, the main problem at the moment is that I end up at or near the same spot. For example the other night I seemed to be in an ok mood, had spent an enjoyable evening playing computer games and rediscovering some ands that I had forgotten I liked so much, but a few hours later I totally crashed and the depression was back.

I know I should try to hold onto the better feelings but it is so much easier said than done. I want to stand on a roof top somewhere and shout out that I am trying to get better, that I really am, but I feel that people don't believe me, and I am no longer sure how to get better.

Best foot forward, but which is it???

Been feeling lousy today but as my driving test is soon I didn't cancel todays driving lesson. I managed to cope with the lesson and didn't allow mistakes get to me too much. Though I don't think it is normal it get in after an hours driving lesson and to be sweating as much as I am. This is down to the anxiety of not feeling well, being out and driving.

One of the reasons I write this blog is so that people can see that anxiety disorders and depression can happen to anyone. This point is very relevant at the moment as last week my psychiatrist phoned me to ask if he could use my case study in a lecture he is giving to soem medical students, these are students who have already done one degree and have switched to doing a medical degree once they finished. He wanted to use my case study to illustrate that anyone can have an anxiety disorder, no matter who you are or what your background is. I didn't hesitate to give my permission as I really feel it is important that we all realise that it can happen to anyone at anytime. In just a four year period of my life, I spent 4 months volunteering in South Africa, did my degree, visited NY on my own and spent 3 weeks in San Francisco again on my own, to now when going out through my front door is an ordeal. There is no way we can tell who will become mentally ill or when it might happen.

Depression

If I didn't already have depression the headaches I have had over the last few days would certainly have caused it. I was looking forward to going over to spend a few days helping a friend, ticket was booked and my bag was packed, then I woke up with a really bad migraine, this meant that my plans were off as I couldn't even sit up without being in considerable pain. This change in my plans made me depress, I was looking forward to getting away for a few days with a good friend. The other thing was that I really feel I have let my friend down. This in turn triggers the depression. I know I shouldn't worry but if i didn't worry about stuff like this I wouldn't be in the condition that I am.

Pausing rather than backwards

Due to the usual lack of sleep and headache I wasn't able to get anything done yesterday, but I am trying hard not to think of it as a backwards step but to think of it as a small pause in my recovery.

Despite taking sleeping tablets still having trouble getting to sleep which does not help my headaches or depression. Unlike many things the harder you try to sleep the less likely you are to succeed. 

Despite still feeling lousy when I woke up this morning I managed to get up ad do a few things around the house before going for a driving lesson. Really surprised myself that despite stalling twice on a roundabout, got the clutch and brake mixed up, I didn't let it get to me which in previous lessons I would have done. This is particularly good as I have my driving exam soon, I am trying to take the attitude that I am going to try my best but if I fail it is not the end of the world. This is going to be really hard for me to do, as I want to get things right first time, and it is really hard to learn that this isn't always possible.

Tears

When I was younger it took a lot to get me to cry. I remember a number of times after the youth group had been away for a few days several of the girls crying as we left, and I would be on the edge of the group wondering what all the fuss was about.

Since the depression started I can cry at nothing, for example the depression was such that I spent all the evening and most of the night crying, though if you asked me why there was no specific cause, I find this one of the harder aspects of depression to deal with.

The other aspect of depression that is hard to cope with is the feeling of not caring. On the whole I love reading, anyone who knows me would agree with that statement. But at the moment I am really struggling to read anything, even books by my favourite authors.

My plan for tomorrow is  to start up activity scheduling again, this is a technique I have used before and did help to a small degree. The idea of activity scheduling is to ry and do activities that fulfill certain conditions, these are, an activity that gives you a sense of achievement, an activity that you enjoy, a physical activity and a social activity. It is possible for an activity to cover more than one condition, for example a walk to take some photos would fulfill the condition of something physical and something I enjoy.

Bottling up

I find it funny that despite writing this blog as a way of trying to stop me bottling tings up I still do. There are still somethings that affect me deeply that I find impossible to write about. There is obviously still a large chunk of my life and thoughts that I don't know how to vocalise, either through this blog or by talking it through with someone.

Really really struggling today having to force myself to write this, full of the feeling of why bother, this is in part due to yet another bad night and headache, but a large part is due to the cloud of depression that seems to have enveloped me recently. I am trying hard to fight it in every way I can think of, for example I love the idea of being able to build something electronic but there are no classes teaching it in my area so I have bought a book with the idea of teaching myself. This is something that when I am well really interests me but at the moment I feel like I am going through the motions with it, that in reality I can't be bothered. This might not sound like anything to be concerned with but when not even my favourite comic can get any real reaction from me it makes me realise how much a grip the depression has on me, as I have said before I see the depression as a duvet, and at the moment I am not only wrapped up in it but I have become entangled not sure which way to turn in order to get out.

And so it goes

Despite what for me was a good nights sleep I have struggle today. One part of my problem is that some many people have said that a good nights sleep was what I needed that I began to believe it. Due to finally taking my sleeping tablets I have had two half decent nights sleep, today was still one that I wanted to hide from the world. Somehow I managed not to give in, helped in part by a visit from an good friend and her daughter.

Once the visit was over instead of going back to bed to hide I managed to stay up and get the Wii out. People who say that video games lead to obesity obviously haven't seen me playing sword fighting in Wii Sports resort 20 minutes of that followed by 10 minutes Wii fit made up for the fact that due to the weather I didn't go for a walk.

So that is know 4 days in a row that I have exercised and my diet is going ok, I just hope I lose weight when I get weighed by the nurse next month. I am becoming more and more aware that so much of my depression and self hatred is tied up with how I perceive myself and how I believe others to perceive me, whether this is true or not. I have tried losing weight before but after a few months tended to give up, so I am hoping this time by ensure people know that I am trying they will ask me how its going and by that help me to stick to it this time, because until I lose some weight I know that no matter what else I do, or treatment I receive my recovery will never be complete.

Driving Ambition

Was told by my driving instructor last week that the fear he has about my forthcoming driving test is that once I make one mistake I allow it to get to me too much and the rest of my driving falls apart. So I had to decide over the weekend whether or not to pospone my driving test. In the end I decided that even if I were to have another 100 driving lessons they would not help my confidence so the test remains in place, the deal I have with my driving instructor is that I have to learn that it doesn't matter if I make mistakes. So deal in place we spent todays lesson practising manoeuvres so mistakes happened by I managed to say to myself that they didn't matter and got it right the next time or the time after. At the end of my lesson my instructor said that he noticed a difference today and that was what I needed to keep up, so fairly positive despite the errors.

Though I do find it funny thinking about the standard of driving I am going to have achieve in order to pass my test when I look at some of the drivers currently on the road, just today I had more than one car pulling out in front of me, that is despite the fact that I am in a car with a great big sign on the roof with an L on it.

I managed to go out for a short walk today, though not on my own, so that its three days in a row now. Plus the walk happened after I had had a busy day with a lovely visit from a friend, who I hadn't seen for about 19 years, and her two lovely kids. It was great seeing her and thanking her for the help she has given me in the last year. This visit was followed by a driving lesson, so I had a good excuse not to go out, but I did a deal with my dad that if I walk or exercise on my Wii everyday for a month he will help me buy a bike, and then not complain too much when I have to wheel it through the house.

The walk was also hard as the depression hit just before we went out and I spent the walk with time spent taking some photographs, fighting back the tears. But trying to be positive I did it, plus weather and house work allowing tomorrows walk is already planned.

Split mind

I'm in two very different minds at the moment, on the one hand, I am quite pleased with myself on the other my mind is full of doubts and self loathing.

The reason that I am quite pleased is because despite a distinct lack of sleep when the alarm event off this morning, only 2 hours worth, and a headache I managed to get up and go to camera club this morning. This did involve a walk on my own, and it was not along my normal route to camera club, as this would have involved trying to get through a locked gate. The task in camera club did take me well and truly out of my photographic comfort zone, this combined with the walk and being with people did trigger a panic attack but I coped.

The second part of my mind the self loathing part though is well and truly back it seems that no matter what I say to myself or do it has an answer to the negative, the voice in my head never seems to let up constantly telling me how fat and useless I am. I try to tell it its wrong and give it evidence but it always seems to have an answer. I know this probably makes me sound mad, but the voice in my head is the voice of my doubts, and instead of being a whisper or at least ignorable somehow mine has got hold of a megaphone and is determined that I will not ignore it. The main trouble is that this voice is destructive as the more it goes on at me the more I think why do I bother doing anything, its not worth it nothing changes. And so it goes on and on and the lonelier I feel and the more despondent about my recovery.

A teeny step forward

Had a bad couple of days, due to lack of sleep and the resulting headaches/migraines had to cancel seeing people on two different occasions, this then meant I started too get annoyed with myself. This then lead to the depression kicking off once again. So by getting annoyed I was making myself worse, so I am having to stop apologising for things that I can't help, and to stop getting annoyed  with myself.

Another step forward happened today when still recovering from a bad migraine this evening I decided to ask Dad if we could go for a walk, this might seem a strange thing but going out is obviously something I hate so to voluntarily ask to go out is a step forward. Due to still having slight visual disturbance I didn't feel up to going out on my own but at least its a step forward. I really hope tomorrow to go to camera club which I haven't been to for several weeks as I haven't felt well enough to go, so really hope to tomorrow, as i miss going, if I do manage I plan to do both the walk there and home on my own. If I do manage to go I think my treat is going to be to spend the afternoon playing on the Wii.

Smile Files and Walking

Managed the first walk in sometime on my own today, wasn't too far but its a new start as far as getting out on my own is concerned. It is all too easy to let it go and when I do it becomes harder, it might seem like a funny thing to say but for me walking outside on my own is something I have to keep doing to keep practising else it becomes so hard for me to do.

Last weekend was spent completing a few of my smile files/scrapbooks. When the idea was initially introduced to me the idea was to take photos of things that make you smile and then add them to a book, so that when you are feeling down you could look back at these images, they could be of anything and only mean something to you. I have taken this idea and modified slightly for my own use and created several books, one book which is nearly filled over the weekend is of various pieces of paper collected during my travels. This can include postcards, tickets and leaflets, and included things from my travels to Nigeria, South Africa and the USA as well as some travels in the UK. It reminded me of places I have been and people I have met and also makes me think of places I still want to visit.

Meccano not so theraputic

I recently started doing meccano as a way of focusing my mind on something else in order to help with my depression and panic/anxiety attacks. On the whole this has worked, but not tonight. I was coming to the end of building my remote control car when the instructions on several occasions wanted me to do things that would have involved either me to have surgery or for me to get my 2 year old niece to try and fit the part. When this happened for the fourth time I really lost all sense of proportion and stormed off, I have been trying to learn to keep my temper but there comes a point when I just get so frustrated that the only outlet I have is to lose it. I then started to think it was me, that I was stupid, telling myself that this model was suitable for a child aged 8 upwards I should be able to do it so the fact that I can't means I am stupid and worse that a child of 8. This thought process is common when my depression is about to and has taken hold, because it is an argument that is not supported by any evidence.

My Dad then did the sensible thing, he looked at the plans and tried to build the part himself, he grew up building meccano models, in the end he had to admit defeat. Eventually though various swear words and resorting to our small pile of existing meccano we found bolts and nuts to fit. So I managed to finish, and promptly had a panic attack. This hasn't stopped me from wanted to build something else because at the beginning the building process really did help to occupy my mind, which very little does to the same extent. So the next model is a small helicopter, but soon I plan to build a small scale model of a trebuchet once I can get dad to stop thinking about possible damage I could cause once I have built it.

Meccano Therapy

Not been such a good few days for me, was looking forward last Friday to going to Cardiff to see the Quarter Finals of the women's football in the Olympics, Japan v Brazil, unfortunately when i woke up Friday morning I had a migraine so it was impossible to go. This then triggered a bout of depression as i felt I had given in and also because I had been looking forward so much to going. This latest bout of depression has come with a side measure of panic attacks. It has got to the stage now with the panic attacks that I have had so many that when one occurs  I stop what I'm doing and simply ride it out concentrating on slowing down my breathing.

Last night I had yet another panic attack late in the night and as I sat downstairs I thought that it would be worth trying to do something to distract myself, i realised that i had a remote control car to build out of meccano and started to do it. After about an hour on it, and barely getting any of it built I realised how good a decision it was. When the depression is bad, or panic/anxiety attacks occur all too often I get angry and this anger ends up being turned inwards, last night doing the meccano I had something else to focus and periodically get annoyed with, but as it took so much focus to either decipher the plans , find the right piece or get the nut to go onto the bolt that there wasn't space in my mind for anything else.

After several hours of building this is as far as I have got, step 8 of 23.