One small step for average

I'm still fighting this latest bout of depression, which is affecting my sleep. Despite lack of sleep I managed to go out to Hafal. I didn't go out this afternoon with the photography group as the effort of getting to Hafal was such that going out would have been too much for me, especially as I had a tutorial on recovery this afternoon.

This afternoon group tutorial was looking at confidence, when it came to talking about an achievement we are proud about, I broke down in tears, I could mention things that I had succeeded in but nothing I could say I was proud about. The moment I try to think of something I am proud of I start self sabotaging. Yes but..... Is a phrase frequently heard in my head.

After Hafal I walked most of the way home on my own, this is a giant step forward as of the two routes home I could go both involve walking along a busy road at 5pm, and to add to this I didn't have my headphones and mp3 player with me.

I am absolutely shattered now, and plan to hopefully start on a new sleep regime that hopefully will eventually help me get a full nights sleep.

Scared

The last two times I've been to Hafal in the evening and following days I've had bad bouts of depression. I'm due to go there tomorrow and I have to admit I'm more scared than normal. I don't know if Hafal triggers something or its a coincidence but the thought of going through another bout of depression like the one I am currently in makes me feel sick. Its hard to try and maintain a balance if I'm not careful I am going to cause the very thing I fear by building it all up in my mind.

I know the logical thing is to keep going till my mind accepts it and I don't react, but this is easier said than done. Its easy for people to say stick with it, but often they don't realise the full level of anxiety and the fear of depression is having on me.

So its a case of focus on the fact that going is a good excuse to get some photography done. Time will tell.

It is sabotage

I had two sessions of therapy today with two different therapists. Glad I had my main session as it gave me chance to talk through my latest bout of depression. The idea is that instead of going over and over how bad it is instead to try and consider the triggers. For example do the voices in my head that have a go at me start and then trigger the depression or the other way round. By understanding it helps me to cope and to hopefully stop it from happening. I was wondering why when I'm trying hard does the depression kick in, it could be for several reasons. Firstly because I'm tired because I am doing things, but by doing  things I am challenging my head and its looking for the comparative safety of the current situation.

The old saying of its going to get worse before it gets better seems to be true.

Still struggling on

I managed to collect my photos for my course today before going to photography. Still not quiet over yet as I have two weeks to make a book and put my final hydrological cycle photos in.

Still struggling, so having to take it hour by hour, if I try to think further ahead it gets scary. Sometimes even thinking 5 minutes ahead can be bad. I was talking about this on Friday how my mind can cope with the intellectual but not with daily life. Thinking about what I need to achieve to have a normal life it seems unreachable, even when I try to break it down into small steps, but thinking that this is it gives me no reason to go on.

Sabotage part two

Its really hard trying to maintain a balanced view. I know what I should do, I should keep going out, I should keep doing what my therapist recommends, but after Friday I have to question if its too late, whether this is it. I had what should be considered a good day on Friday I went out to Hafal and spent the afternoon out doing photography. But these last two days the depression has hit me so so hard. Hard enough that I have had to contact the Samaritans again. Its so hard and overwhelms my logical brain, that when I do what I need to do it makes me worse. Just trying hard to quieten my mind.

Sabotage

I had a very busy day yesterday making a step towards recovery. Last night and today was spent recovering, the resulting headache and depression makes me feel that my own brain and body are trying to sabotage my own recovery. Possibly because I was so tired the depression started and as a result so many issues were brought up by my head, things I've got wrong things I wished were different. It is so tempting to say it was a step too far and that my recovery has gone as far as it can, but I don't believe this I won't allow myself to believe this. When I for a moment I start to believe this my depression becomes overwhelming. So despite what I think my brain and body are trying to tell me I will be going to Hafal next Friday to take another step in my recovery.

Body shop needed

I need a new body the one I currently have is totally shattered. I have pushed myself harder today than I have in sometime. I only had 3 hours sleep so when I was woken this morning all I wanted was to go back to sleep, preferably with the duvet pulled over my head and the rest of the world leaving me alone.  Instead I got up and dressed had my breakfast and went and faced the world.

I went to Hafal and ended up spending nearly 5 hours there including going out to take some photos in Singleton and Brynmill Park. Though I did have a panic attack on the way back at least I did it. I am feeling the effects now but I wont let this stop me from going next week all being well.

Two minds

Had to start writing my evaluation for my two portfolios to hand in next week. I find this really hard to do. Ask me if going by the environmental impact assessment should the Cardiff barrage have been built and I can gibe you a coherent argument, but ask me about my photography and what I would differently I go blank, I feel that without hard facts in front of me I am scared of getting it wrong. This permeates through out my life I could write 10,000 plus words on bio plastics and the dissemination of information to local authorities but ask me what trousers I want to buy and I'll go without. I have only realised recently how scared I am of making a mistake to the point were I become paralysed with the fear. I am trying overcome this gradually but it will take time as I move towards recovery I uncover more that needs working on.

And breathe

The portfolios for my As level photography along with the chosen final images had to be handed in today. I hate having to let go of them as I'm not confident about my work, but after spending the money on the course I need to finish it. I had a bad night last night so woke up with two bad heads, headache and depression. But despite this I managed to go to class and stay, though I did have a panic attack during class. It goes to prove to me that I can achieve this when I am feeling rough what can I do when I am ok.

Oops I Did it Again

Today's blog title refers to the fact that once again I got myself so worked up over something that I made myself physically ill. Due to a throwaway comment, that my therapist was surprised that I got into Hafal as I didn't have a care worker. This got into my head and as a result my brain blew it up and convinced me that I was a fraud and would be found out. As a result instead of being able to go today I have had a bad tension headache and have been sick. Dad contacted Hafal and told them what had happened, as a result it is sorted, once again I have worked myself up out of all proportion for something that was easily sorted.

One in four people will suffer from some form of mental illness yet so much stigma is still attached to it and discussion of it. This even extends to those suffering from it. When I saw my psychiatrist recently he mentioned that part of my problem comes under neurosis, as soon as I heard this word all I could think of was the bad connotations that link neurosis with hysteria. Language has become perverted over the years, we hide the truth within it as a result we can become afraid of it. We need to talk plainly not to hide the truth about the wide variety of mental illness behind a curtain of euphemisms.

Not being defeated

Yesterday was a really tough challenge, though the therapist with me said she couldn't tell how worked up I was till the end when she had to point out to me that my shoulders were nearly level with my ears, I hadn't noticed. I have become so good at hiding my anxiety, that even when I have been close to being sick with nerves people have commented on how confident I appear.

As a result of the tough day yesterday I haven't been too well today, but I'm not going to prevent me from carrying on. I am going to Hafal tomorrow as I know if I don't it becomes so much harder to go. The next few months are going to be hard but only by going through this will I get better.

Shopping Therapy

A gold star was earned today, I went to therapy which involved me walking round town and going into shops with an assistant therapist. I am pleased to report she was just as bubbly at the end as she was at the beginning, me on the other hand I was really struggling towards the end, a combination of being out  with a relative stranger and the physical activity.

This afternoon I spent the time choosing final images from both my portfolios for my photography course. I also set up and took a shot I need for my hydrological cycle portfolio, which has resulted in my neighbours thinking both my Dad and myself had finally flipped, evidence of this comes with the photograph with todays blog, yes that is my dad up a ladder with a watering can.

It was tempting when i came home from therapy to go to bed but I am pleased I stayed up to work on my photographs as it has stopped my mood from dropping. Though now I have to find something to stop it dropping before I hopefully fall asleep.

Not thinking its unfair

It is very tempting to give up, last week I managed to do more than I had in years, this though has been followed by two migraines in four days. Thus it is tempting to say forget it, but I know if I want to get better and have a normal life I am going to have to get through this.

On the positive side I manage to plant a couple of blueberry bushes in the garden. Plus I am going to therapy tomorrow which is making me smile, thinking how many of my friends would like my therapy tomorrow as basically its shopping therapy, where I will be spending an hour going round town with an assistant, going into shops and making purchases. All in the name of recovery, though personally as far as I'm concerned shopping online is why the internet was invented.

Catching my breath

On Thursday I wrote that the only thing that would stop me going to Hafal on Friday was a raging Migraine, I think my brain took this as some sort of challenge and kindly produced one. Its Saturday night and I still have a headache and my vision is only just returning to me, but writing this helps me to keep things a little bit in perspective. The thing I am keeping hold of, to prevent me mentally and may be physically bearing myself up, is that since I have been ill I have never done 4 days in a row like I have this week. In order to get my stars I have had to go out and also do something around the house, on several occasions I managed to do something around the house without Dad telling me what needed doing, a win on two grounds, first that I felt confident to do something off my own back, this comes down to the fear of making mistakes, and secondly that I wasn't so wrapped up and withdrawn that I noticed that something needed doing.

So not getting the 5 and 6 star in a row isn't going to be allowed to totally get to me, instead tomorrow I plan to bake something completely new, a bakewell tart, and then write down next weeks activity schedule with activities on all 7 days including therapy in the week and Hafal next Friday.

Tired mind and body day four

Four days of completed activity schedule, four days of gold stars on the calendar. I have to admit I am absolutely shattered physically and mentally, and it would be tempting to say tomorrow forget about activity scheduling and going out but unless when I wake tomorrow I have a raging migraine I am going out.

I have to accept that for a while I am going to be tired and as long as it doesn't get so bad that it triggers my depression I am going to try and keep going.

My achievements today were to wait in the dentists on my own this morning and to answer the phone this afternoon. I have also done as much on my second photography portfolio as I can till I've taken my final photos which will all being well be done on Saturday. The other thing I have done is to decide to take part in a photography scavenger hunt. Taking part in this will stretch me photographically as well as pushing me socially, though I take part online I will have to take part in the community surrounding this monthly hunt.

I am going to try and keep up with the early nights as currently at 4.30pm I can feel the depression is really trying to put in an appearance and I am close to tears, but I hope this can be put down to my tiredness.

Decisions decisions decisions

Despite going to bed early I did not get off to sleep till late. My mind was buzzing and despite trying relaxation I couldn't calm it. This buzzing was probably down to two things, firstly what had been for me a busy day, secondly I need a new camera on several occasions there have been photographs I couldn't take due to the nature of my bridge camera. This is causing me anxiety, anxiety over what camera to get and anxiety over spending such a large amount if money.

One day on I'm still struggling with the anxiety over the camera, I know this isn't normal, but currently my brain doesn't like normal. But on the plus side I have completed my activity schedule that's three days in a row, part of today's activity included going to therapy which I knew would be stressful today as I was going out and being introduced to an assistant who over the next few weeks will be having the fun of going into town with me. I have been recording my going out on the calendar over the last two months with a star, and this is the first time I have got three in a row.