I am the Swan

I know that sometimes for my friends reading this blog, it can be hard especially when I talking about self harm. But it is important to me that I write about how I am feeling without feeling that I must hide part of those feelings away in order not to distress others.

For all too long I have hidden my feelings, refused to talk about them, put on a brave face so that no one would know how I was truly. As a result one day my head could no longer cope, and as one doctor put it my brain blew a fuse. Even today unless I start shaking people can get the impression that nothing is wrong whilst underneath I am terrified and looking for the nearest way out and an excuse to use it. The best analogy is that of the swan, who looks so serene on the water but if you see under the water its legs are really busy.

Today the thoughts of self harm aren't so great, only coming into my mind once or twice an hour and when they do enter my mind they aren't shouting at me to do something, instead its like they are desperate for me not to ignore them or forget them. Fighting my mind yesterday has left me feeling exhausted today, but on the positive side my alarm is set for the morning as I am determined to go to Camera club and not to use this latest bout as an excuse.