Choices

I decided last night that I had three choices, the first one to die i've been told isn't really an option, but for me knowing that t is there does in a strange way help. SO the two main options are to hide away and wrap myself up doing nothing and getting nowhere, my second choice is to try and do things, to take small steps and not to take on too much at once or try to make too many changes in my life at one time.

I decided that the second option was the one for me, that isn't too say that I am well now, or that I wont  have bad times again, but I cant let this beat me and one way to ensure that is to try and keep busy, with this in mind today I signed up for a photography course which will take me out one evening a week and have also filled in my application form for a soft furnishing course. So that are my small steps for today. Tomorrow's small steps will be to have my driving lesson and to go to camera club, which involves a walk on my own by a busy road along with having to get up early (for me).

Still Fighting

Have to admit I had a really bad night last night, the thoughts for self harm were really strong, so strong that I even started to look for my knife, but some how I found the strength to fight it. It is difficult to explain to people who never have experienced these feelings why the urge to hurt yourself comes about. The only way I can explain it is how it feels to me. When it happens I get overwhelmed with the feelings/thoughts that if I cut my arm or stomach I will feel better. Now my qualifications are in science subjects and logical thought is my area of expertise but I can honestly say hand on heart that when I start, like last night, getting these feelings it feels totally logical that harming myself will bring me a form of release from the pain the various thoughts in my head are causing me. On those occasions when I have given into the feelings I have felt a sort of peace, but this is short lived and so the cycle goes on. But it is hard fighting doing something that I know will give me, even if only for a short moment, some peace.

But I haven't given in this time with the exception of when the thoughts were really bad of biting the inside of my cheek,  as I found this distracted me briefly from the thoughts and allowed the more logical part of my brain to assert itself. The longer my illness continues the more I realise how complicated the brain and all its functions are. There are so many other parts of the body that we understand and can either repair or replace. Several years ago my dad had almost a complete heart overhaul, with a quadruple bypass and a new heart valve. Yet when it comes to depression all the modern medicine can do is hope than one of a myriad of different anti-depressants might help.

But when all is said I have made it through another day, tomorrow is a challenge as I have a driving lesson and I am very much affected by my mood when I drive, so if my confidence is down the slightest mistake and I go to pieces so tomorrows challenge is to do my driving lesson and not allow mistakes to really bother me.

Bribery

Despite taking two sleeping tablets last nights, two hours after taking them I was still wide awake and feeling worse by the minute. I did manage to get up and do something to try and take my mind off my thoughts but could only cope physically with doing it for an hour.

That is one of my problems, when my depression is this bad I have no energy, strength and start to shake. There are also problems with my concentration as well as the fact that things that previously I love no longer interest me, the phrase going through the motions sums me up.

Before I settled down to try to get some sleep my thoughts were all about self destruction so I made myself a bribe that if I got through the night without hurting myself I could buy a comic book, This might not seem such an incentive but recently I have been trying to cut down on the number I buy. I did manage to make it through the night the only problem then was the book I wanted is out of print. I have to be careful not to see coincidences like this as being a case of the world being against me.

Purpose

People have been saying to me that I have plenty to live for, one of the problems I have is that I genuinely can't think of one.  This is not a case of me doing what I do well and catastrophizing,  something that is common with depression and anxiety, I really can't see what is so great about my life. 

That is such a hard admission to make, when I say this to others they point out my achievements, but that is all in the past, with the majority being done when I was a different person. Another problem with depression is that you can lose interest in things that you have previously enjoyed. The phrase I can't be bothered is inadequate to describe how I really feel about doing things that previously I have enjoyed. I feel like I am having to dig so deep to find the energy to write this and part of me is wondering why I am really bothering. The only reason I managed to get any photos taken yesterday was I used it to escape from a house full of people and noise. Things that I have used in previous bouts of depression to give me even the smallest lift are having no impact upon me this time which if I'm honest is very scary. i feel as if I'm in a very dark place that I have no idea of how to get out of.

Contents warning

Just over 2 months ago I decided to give my ex another chance, but last night I had that trust thrown back in my face in a really bad way. This has left me to put not too fine a point on it fighting for my life, it has triggered such a bad depression that despite being here before I cant see my way out, or if I am being trueful whether I want to find my way out.

What I mean by this is what is the point if this is my life. One of the few things I want in life was someone who loved me for me, I thought I found her just to have it destroyed. All I can think of now, even if it sounds self pitying, is that I am alone and will die alone. I want to know what is wrong with me.

I have spent most of last night and today fighting the thoughts not of self harm but of a way out. I am sorry of this sounds melodramatic or over the top but the point of this blog is for me to write what I feel and not what I think people would like to read.

Sleep where are you?

Well last night I tried to get to sleep before 4 am, I managed eventually to get to sleep by 2 o'clock unfortunately it was 2pm. So tonight despite how much I hate taking them I will have to resort to my sleeping tablets. I have to realise that it is going to take some time to get my sleeping into a somewhat normal pattern, after 15 years of insomnia. But if I am going to have hope of a normal life my sleep is a major issue that needs tackling. One of the main reasons for getting this sorted is so I can be prepared to apply for work, but another two reasons are a) being tired is a trigger for my migraines, b) being tired is a trigger for my depression.

There are going to be occasions when sleep is still going to be hard, and I have to accept that change isn't going to happen overnight, and at times is going to be hard. But it is one fight I am determined to win. I know for those of you reading this who have never had insomnia might be wondering what the fuss is about, imagine going to bed night after night and no matter how tired you are not going to sleep. Now instead of just a couple of nights of this image this night after night for 15 years.

Rebooting

Being taken off Big Picture has hit me more than I thought at the time, it triggered a bout of bad depression that I am currently having to fight. I think this was because its made me feel worthless, I know it was only one day a week but it had become part of my life and it has been taken away from me.

So the rest of this week has been a fight to keep my mind away from the dark thoughts it seems to enjoy. Into this dark period came a visit from my 4 month old nephew, who took a look at me and grinned, though this might have been something to do with the bottle I was holding. But regardless he is such a happy baby, to the extent he has on several occasions woken himself up giggling. I wish that in some way I could find some of the delight he obviously has in just being.

I had recently tried to make several changes to my routine, unfortunately I have come to the realisation I was trying to make too many changes at once, and so for the next couple of months I am just going to concentrate on getting my sleep sorted, so that I can get to sleep before 5am, and to concentrate on my diet so that I can begin to lose some weight. Once I have these tackled then I will concentrate on getting out daily on my own. It is better for me to take small steps and have them stick than to try and do it all at once and possibly fail.

The other thing I have to get sorted is to see the doctor to see if there is any possible treatment for my headaches, the problem is because of the medication I am already taking the choices of treatments are extremely restricted.

Just because I am not concentrating on getting out daily on my own does not mean that I wont be doing this, though maybe not daily but as often as I can.

I now have a favour to ask anyone who knows me who is reading this, please over the next couple of months can you ask me from time to time if I have completed my food diary.

 

Another day another migraine

Only a brief blog today due to my 4th migraine in a fortnight, the only good news being that at least I now know one of my triggers for these. For someone with depression and anxiety problems it is not for for one trigger for my migraines to be after a time when I get particularly upset and trigger my depression.

Now all I have to do is learn to control when I get upset and uptight, something that so far I've not managed to be able to do.

Big Set Back

I was woken up by a phone call this morning to tell me that due to the fact that I had missed several Mondays recently I was being taken out of the Big Picture programme. This is a major set back for me as I was finding that going to Big Picture was one way of ensuring I socialised, plus I saw it as a sign that I was on a path towards recovery. I feel now that not only have I been kicked out of the system that also I have been told I am ill and that all the struggles and fights I have been having to recovery haven't been worth it.

Once again I feel the system has let me down, I am supposed to be in what is called primary care, but in reality all this means is I see my psychiatrist  every 5 months to be told by him to keep taking my tablets. That is it. I could be a productive member of society with the right help and support, instead because I don't cause trouble or kick up a fuss I am left on my own. This has now been going on for 13 years, 13 years where I could have been earning money and paying taxes, something that the government claims it wants people like me to be doing. Well if they want us to come off benefits and get into work they need to ensure that systems are in place to achieve this.

Back on Track

Back to writing my blog after an enforced break due to 3 migraines in a week which meant that looking at a computer screen for any amount of time was extremely painful.

I have missed writing it as I found that writing it gives me an outlet for feelings/emotions that in the pass  I have been guilty of bottling up.

The big news, well big for me, is that despite migraines, depression and panic attacks I managed to pass my driving theory exam, despite the fact that until I read my results for the third time I was convinced that i had failed. So today I took the big step of booking my practical test. As my driving Instructor said,   driving wise I am ready and have been for some time but its whether I believe I can do it. So I have just over a month to convince myself that I can.

One Hundred Not Out

This is my hundredth blog entry, when I started writing this blog, know what I am like normally writing a diary I doubt that I would get this far,  but with he support from various friends I have, and plan to continue writing entries.

When I started writing this blog the idea behind it was twofold. The first was as part of the therapy I need but was not receiving, as a way of putting down issues or fears that have been affecting me in an attempt to try and let go of them once I have written them down, in order that I do not dwell on them quiet so much. The other reason was to encourage me to take photographs and post them on here. Any photos that I take go straight from my camera to my blog, without visiting photoshop. The idea of taking photographs is to encourage me to get out whenever possible in order to hopefully overcome my social anxieties.

A lot has already happened since I started writing this blog, I managed to attend the opening night of the Photos Tales exhibition in the Grand Theater, and have started attending Camera Club, and a lot is planned in the next few months with an approaching driving test as just ne example, all of which I hope to continue writing about.

Hit and Miss

This week has been hit and miss, I have attended every appointment I have had, but on the other hand I have not fulfilled all the tasks I gave myself. In the past I would have allowed this fact to beat myself up mentally. I am trying hard not to do this but to say that the new tasks sheets are a work in prgress and it is better that I attended all my appointments and perhaps I'll try an accomplish a few more of thee tasks than I have completed this week.  But if at the end of next week I haven't it is important that I give myself a little slack as I have a stressful, for me, week ahead. On Wednesday I have my Driving Theory test, and then on Friday I am taking photos at an award ceremony. So definitely a week ahead of me going outside my comfort zone.

One thing I have to try in the coming months is to be easier on myself, its funny I have people telling me I'm too nice but the one person that I am not nice to is myself.

Motherly Love

It can be very difficult for me sometimes to explain my relationship with my mother. All too often I am told "well she's your mother you should love her", well believe me that is far easier said than done. All too often people who know my mother approach me and say I should be in contact with her, but without knowing my side. Why should I maintain contact with someone who has not contacted me in over 6 months, and only contacted me for help fixing her internet, to cap it all in the two texts she sent me she didn't ask how I was or what I was doing. I gave up contacting her when after several years I realised that it was only me initiating contact. I still get angry about it and frustrated than when she asks for help after months of non contact that I do what she wants and not what I want. All of this adds up to frustration and a trigger for my depression.

Another day

Well despite bad insomnia, where not only did I ave trouble getting to sleep but I kept waking, I managed to get up and go to camera club. I'm glad I did as once again I enjoyed myself, I like the fact that going there makes me think more about my photography and takes me out of my photographic comfort zone.

After camera club, it was a dash home to be there in time to be picked up for a driving lesson. Wasn't my best lesson today, but at least my instructor said I didn't let the mistakes get to me. Which is a big improvement from when I started to learn.

Trying hard not to think about next week, as I have my driving theory exam plus a week Friday I am taking photographs in the Brangwyn at an Awards ceremony, this is through the camera club, and another opportunity for me to get outside my comfort zone.

I am the Swan

I know that sometimes for my friends reading this blog, it can be hard especially when I talking about self harm. But it is important to me that I write about how I am feeling without feeling that I must hide part of those feelings away in order not to distress others.

For all too long I have hidden my feelings, refused to talk about them, put on a brave face so that no one would know how I was truly. As a result one day my head could no longer cope, and as one doctor put it my brain blew a fuse. Even today unless I start shaking people can get the impression that nothing is wrong whilst underneath I am terrified and looking for the nearest way out and an excuse to use it. The best analogy is that of the swan, who looks so serene on the water but if you see under the water its legs are really busy.

Today the thoughts of self harm aren't so great, only coming into my mind once or twice an hour and when they do enter my mind they aren't shouting at me to do something, instead its like they are desperate for me not to ignore them or forget them. Fighting my mind yesterday has left me feeling exhausted today, but on the positive side my alarm is set for the morning as I am determined to go to Camera club and not to use this latest bout as an excuse.

Blurgggh

Had a bad start to the day, the alarm went off just two hours after I managed to get to sleep. Then 5 minutes before leaving the house for Big Picture I started sweating for no apparent reason and feeling very sick. Despite this I went to Big Picture and managed to stay most of the day.

Curled up in bed this evening still feel ill, only just managing to get this written. It can be hard, as I have said before, when physically ill to stop the depression starting. I haven't managed it this time, and am currently fighting back the tears. Everything becomes even more of an effort and the reason for fighting it seem even more pointless. Unfortunately the ideas of self harm have come back so yet another thing to fight. Trying to keep in mind the reasons that I do continue fighting, but its hard when you are fighting against your own mind.