Why????

Well I suppose on the positive side I've got up and dressed today. The problem is for the last couple of hours I've been fighting tears. Its  stupid things that have triggered a bad bout of depression. Things that might frustrate others but in me have me questioning why I bother trying.

Left hand not knowing

I have been ill 13 1/2 years, and its only now that I am getting some of the therapy I need. I can understand the issues regarding my medication, not all anti depressants work on every one, I'm on my fourth different anti depressant, but the talking therapy I am now receiving should have been given to me years ago. This isn't the only thing I have discovered, only through a chance remark from my psychiatrist did I discover I could claim certain benefits, years after I became ill. People who care for others must if possible not make assumptions I would rather have been asked again and again, than to not have the help I needed.

Through reading an article in a paper the other week, we don't usually get a paper but Wales had won the rugby, I read an article about a charity that might be able to help me move on, to get out more and to plan a timetable of sorts to help me head towards employment.

How many are there out there like me where people assume everything is OK because we aren't kicking up a fuss? How many are struggling financially, or thinking there is nowhere we can turn to? The thought of looking for work if I'm honest was scaring me, I knew I needed help I had in fact asked for help but it was never forthcoming, now I just need to screw up my courage and make a phone call next week to discover if that help is finally there.

In the balance

Trying to be positive is hard, so on the positive side I managed to open the front door today when dad was out, something I usually avoid. I've also done a few jobs around the house and walked for about 1/2 a mile.

On the negative I haven't stopped crying for the last hour. I know the cause but don't know what to do about it, it involves a situation of not my making, but is one that makes me want to hide away from people. People keep telling me I'm amazing etc, but amazing is very much the last thing I feel. It comes back to what my head is constantly telling me, sometimes only a whisper or at times like this shouting at me, if I'm so amazing why am I unemployed, living at home, in therapy, single. I know what the media presents as an ideal e.g the perfect family, the beautiful slim people is not a reality but if one version is portrayed enough and you have a distinct lack of self confidence then you start to compare yourself with these fictions. When you do not live up to them what little self confidence that remains takes another knock.

Better late ....

Didn't think I would write a blog today. Had a bad migraine for the last couple of days and so couldn't get out. This has meant my mood has gone down. But I am trying to stay positive, such as the joy of finding complete Hong Kong Phooey cartoons on YouTube when I was looking for something to share with a friend.

Another positive I'm trying is i'm creating a folder of achievement and advice, when I couldn't sleep last night I tidied room a bit and came across two letters sent to me by my course tutor from my Masters, on which he had added extra comments saying how good my work had been. All too often the depression means I feel like a fraud and keep expecting that my qualifications will be taken off me, so I'm going to put those letters with a few other bits and pieces which I will use to remind me of the truth and not the truth as my illogical brain portrays it.

A breather rather than step backwards

I had my walk planned for today, but my head had other ideas. When this happens I usually see it as a backwards step, but it isn't it is simply break, a breather, allowing me to get going again tomorrow.

It is going to take time but I have to stop thinking negatively and instead try and either see the positive or at the very least be neutral in my thinking.

Progress of a sort

So two days in a row I've been out on my own, admittedly only in my local area, but it did involve going into 3 shops, something I usually tend to avoid as much as possible. Tomorrows walk on my own has already been planned. I varied the route from yesterday so that I keep challenging myself and challenging the disassociation that being out triggers.

Something else I did today I've never done before, I saw a workshop at Swansea Print Workshop I fancied attending, and instead of thinking I'd like to go but... I mentioned it on Facebook to see if any of my friends fancied it also as this would give me greater incentive to attend as well as one less reason not to go.

So for me a fairly positive day.

Change to plans

I was meant to go into town today, but I had got so worked up I woke up with a really bad headache. So instead I walked to the local post office and two shops on my own. In the daytime this is the most I've done on my own for quite some time. I know its not quiet the same as going into town but it is a step in the right direction, and it was on my own and without my baseball cap. Tomorrow's walk will again be on my own and is planned, making me do things that I haven't done before.

Increasing anxiety

My back has continued to be in spasm so limited movement today, but time has been spent with further planning for my second photo portfolio which will be on the water cycle.

Due to recent events in my life my anxiety for going out has escalated greatly, I have to go into town tomorrow and even though my dad will be going with me the thought of it is already making me feel sick. I am well aware that it is irrational and I am telling myself it is unfortunately the irrational part of my brain is winning.

Tomorrow is another day

Despite a bad weekend due to another bout of depression, I was looking forward to going to photography tonight. My back and neck had other plans though, due to the tension in my back and neck from the recent anxiety and depression I woke up with back and neck spasms.

So though I can't go tonight I've spent some time thinking about some of the photos I want to take for my second portfolio, I usually avoid still life but for this project I have several still life photos planned, though they will be taken at home and not in the studio.

Going out

My therapist has said that just in the short term going out into the garden counts as going out, this is due to two reasons, firstly the garden is overlooked by surrounding buildings so while i,'m out I am unsure who can see me. The second reason is that I am leaving my perceived safety zone of the house.

Despite the depression and headaches I have made sure the last couple of days I've got up and dressed and done a few jobs around the house, though this does not meet with my self imposed regime it is still a step on from how I would have been before I started this regime where I would have stayed in bed and hidden from the world.

In the balance

The last couple of days for me have been really bad, knives had had to be hidden to stop myself self harming or worse. I'm am not saying I am alright now but I have hopefully turned the corner.

Despite feeling like all I wanted to do was to hide I managed to get up and go into town. I went with dad to see the photo tales exhibition. Where currently I an a lovely group of people have some photos on display, I knew one of my pictures was slightly abstract so it was interesting to see it hung on its side.

We then went into coop in the boys station and I went into smiths on my own , where I treated myself to a Lego figure, then had to go home as I was on the edge of a panic attack, but at least I did it and didn't hide.

I had completed 7 days so my new target is to reach 10 days of the new regime.

Why???

Really struggling today, been crying since last night. Filled with a mix of anger and self loathing. Had a friends request on Facebook last night, only to discover it was from the girl now going out with my ex. This has triggered my depression, and I'm angry with myself for letting it get to me so badly.

After we split I gave her a second chance only to discover that while she was back with me she was still with someone else. I now feel that our relationship was a total lie, I have no idea why she asked me to marry her, because I obviously didn't mean anything to her. I now feel that her now girlfriend is rubbing my face in the relationship and they are both laughing at how stupid I am.

I wish I could find a balance, to be able to react to situations like this in a balanced manner, instead I just don't want to bother with life anymore, it frightens me as I have started seriously questioning why.

I started writing this blog as a form of release/letting go. I am scared that it has just become a moan that people reading this will think that I am just feeling sorry for myself. I am questioning whether to continue writing this.

Day Seven

I have managed to reach the 7th day of doing my regime, it has taken me more than 7 days to get here but I have reached my first target, now to make it to a further 10 days. The difference that the regime is already making to me is that on days where previously I would have hidden and if given the chance remained in bed I am now making an effort to get up and to get dressed, and to get out even if only into the garden.

Mothering Sunday is not an easy day for me in the run up to it we are bombarded by adverts and shops telling us how wonderful our Mothers are and how we should spoil them. The main problem I have is the fact that one of the reoccurring themes currently in my therapy is trying to stop me thinking that because my Mother doesn't appear to love me that there must be something wrong with me. We live in a society where the image of the ever loving mother is unceasingly fed to us, through tv programmes, literature and adverts. If we are to see a portrayal of a bad mother there is usually something else going on, some reason for the bad mothering, eg drugs or drink. No wonder I have this faulty logic in my head that it must be be me.

What no hat

One of my safety behaviours that I am having to learn to drop is the wearing of a baseball cap. I use it to hide and to avoid eye contact, a little like a child that believes if it covers its eyes with its hands then you can no longer see them. Twice this week I have gone out without wearing one, including today when I had to go through town twice.

It wasn't easy I felt nauseous and just as I reached home I had one of the worse panic attacks that I have had for sometime, but this hasn't  put me off and I will continue going out occasionally without my safety 'blanket' of my baseball cap.

Being a geek I have come to conclusion that the programming of my brain is faulty and I am now having to find those faults and correct them, the only way I can do this is by constantly testing the programme and then correct it when it comes out with a faulty conclusion.

Small Victories

When I woke up this morning my only hope was that I would never have to move, this was due to a really bad headache. In the past this would have meant I wold have stayed in bed all day. Instead this afternoon I managed to get up and then go to my photography class. Though I still had a headache it was no where near as bad as it had been earlier.

I could have left the class early as I had finished what I had to do in class, discuss my portfolio and the exam question, but I remained and talked to people in class, though it was a major temptation to leave.

Neither of these things would win me a medal, most people would wonder what the fuss was about but for me its two small victories.

Variety is the spice of insomnia

Well in the past three days I have had three different aspects of insomnia, first night I only had a brief nights sleep and so spent the day tired, second night I kept waking throughout the night and last night I really struggled to get to sleep. But I'm not letting this put me off sticking to my new regime. The insomnia makes it harder to stick to the regime but it doesn't make it impossible.

My one wish is that someone had suggested the website that I that the idea for my new regime sooner, or that the various healthcare people who I have had contact with had suggested me to consider implementing the regime I am on. The problem I have found with depression is that if you are not careful you can become overwhelmed with information if you turn to the internet but you don't know how much of it is valid, or how much is of a truly practical nature. Blue hackers is written by geeks who have had depression for geeks with depression. As I have stated in a previous blog the thing about being a geek is that I like solving problems and so have got frustrated with my depression especially when the main advice I have received is to keep taking my medication.

Insomnia

The majority of people think insomnia is just the inability to get to sleep, but this isn't the case. I have had insomnia for about 17 years and for some of those years it has been the difficulty in getting off to sleep variety, but currently I'm going through the not staying asleep once I get off. Last night I woke up over 8 times through out the night, this is an improvement of under 5 hours sleep of the night before but only just, both versions of insomnia leave me feeling tired throughout the day.

Day three of my new regime, and despite having a bad headache I have managed to get outside and take a few photos I needed for my portfolio, this is an improvement as previously I would have spent the day in bed. It has been hard to get up and go out but I didn't want to fail on only the third day, plus I'm really looking forward to the book I'm going to buy when I achieve 7 days.

Day two...five to go before I get my book

I am trying a new regime to try and finally beat the depression and social phobia. This involves me getting up at a reasonable time, going out once a day, doing relaxation/meditation once a day. So far I'm on day two and it has been a real struggle. I woke up this morning at 2.50am, and as I showed no sign of going back to sleep after half an hour, instead of staying in bed as I previously would have, I got up. I have done my relaxation and have been out, the aim ultimately is to do 45 minutes exercise a day but not there yet.

The main problem is when I'm tired is that my depression surfaces, so as well as trying to keep to my regime and to stay awake till this evening,  I have been fighting the depression. The other issue is that now I am up longer and so have longer to get depressed. With the depression comes all the insecurities and self hatred at full blast, these hurt so much that it can be tempting to say sod it and go back to hiding in bed. But if I am to have any hope of leading a normal life I have to stop hiding no matter how painful it will be. Just really scared that I am not strong enough to fight any longer.

Recently I have asked my friends for help, well now I really need it. If any of my friends read this please give me some encouragement and reasons to continue fighting.


For anyone in Swansea before the 15th March, there is a great photo exhibition on in the Grand Theatre, where several of my photos are putting in an appearance.