Worries part 2...

One of the purposes behind this blog is to try and explain how my depression and social phobia impacts on my daily life. An example of this happened today, I was due to have a driving lesson but when I woke up I had a migraine so I sent a text to my driving instructor. Later this morning I had a text back from my driving instructor he hadn't received my text till after my lesson was due to start and so wasn't best pleased. I sent a text back saying I had sent the text at 8.04, he didn't receive it till 9am. So now I am worrying and the worry will get worse just before my next lesson. This is something out of my control but that won't stop me worrying.

Worries....

I wish I could stop worrying about things that I have no control over. I'm not taking about things like the future of the environment, though I do worry about it, but I'm talking about things like worrying about what others think about me. I know this is something that most people worry about but not to the degree that I do, where at times the thoughts can almost paralyse me with fear. This is one of the fears that means I spent my last two photography classes shaking and feeling sick. Though so far I haven't let it stop me going to my class, I will not allow it because there have been too many occasions in the past where my fears/anxieties have stopped me from doing something that I really wanted to do.

Tired but....

Had a bad night last night, this was probably due to my busy day yesterday, it seems that when I'm busy, as far as my mind is concerned I have trouble shutting it off at night in order to sleep. This late night wasn't helped by the fact that I needed to be up fairly early for a driving lesson. The anxiety of the  driving lesson probably added to the late night.

I have had a few driving lessons now, but todays was the first one after failing my driving test, but the lesson seemed to go well, a few small errors but nothing major and was nowhere near as anxious as I was last time I was behind the wheel.

Had to have a nap this afternoon as I was really struggling, but at least I had done everything I set out to do, so I am trying hard not to see the nap as a sign of weakness.

Busy Day Survived

Its been a busy day today for me, this afternoon after nearly 3 years of waiting I finally started therapy to try and help me with my social phobia. It was revealing as I discovered that I had put coping strategies in place at the early age of 6, it was something that I had never thought about, and in fact I thought that it was normal.

This evening I had my photography class, and not only did I manage to walk there and most of the way home on my own, I did it without wearing my baseball cap. This might not seem that important but I use my baseball cap as a barrier to hide behind, so to deliberately leave it at home was stressful.

I find it interesting that if people with a physical illness had to wait nearly 3 years for treatment, and that there was a restriction on the length of period for treatment, therefore treatment could end before you recovered, it would be headline news. Yet this is the reality for so any people with mental illness.

Anyone want a useless brother???

When I was away as people reading my blog might have gathered I had a really bad bout of depression, this was probably made worse by the fact that I was away from familiar things and routine. Though I did try to hide my tears I did on two occasions tell my brother that my depression was bad, for some strange reason I thought he might understand and talk to me instead he just fobbed me off saying that all I needed was a hug from my niece to feel better.

This doesn't work on oh so many levels, first depression just doesn't go away because you have a hug from a 2 year old, if it was that easy the pharmaceutical would not be making a fortune on selling anti-depressants every year. Secondly if someone tells you they are having a bad time with depression give them sometime, talk to them its hard to admit you need help so when you do the last thing you need is someone fobbing you off.

I am home now back to familiar sights and routine but the depression is still holding hard, I have continued to do my activity scheduling in order to try and prevent the depression getting worse. But now I have to try and find my way back out of this depressive episode, which is not helped by the fact that I don't know why I am bothering.

Absolutely Shattered

I'm writing this blog entry at 5pm, and I am absolutely shattered, I have been up since my alarm went off at 8.15am and have been busy ever since. Well busy for me.

This morning I had camera club, which I walked to on my own, then in the club we went out to take some photographs so I spent over an hour on my own wondering around the marina, I coped though I have to admit it was difficult and got harder as the time went on.

After camera club I went into the Uplands to do a little shopping, so by the time I was heading home I was really struggling and could have happily curled up on the pavement and told the world to bugger off. But I didn't instead I called home and my Dad came and met me part of the way. I am trying not to see this as a failure, instead focusing on the fact that I had achieved so much before I had to ask for help.

This afternoon was spent doing a few jobs around the house and most importantly contacting my driving instructor to book some more lessons. it was extremely tempting when I failed my driving test to say, well as its down to my lack of confidence then there is no point in me trying again. Instead though I have convinced myself that it is worth it and while it might take me longer than someone who does not have the lack of self confidence that I have, I will get there eventually.

Pause in proceedings....once again

I set my alarm for this morning with the good intention of getting up about 9am and helping dad with some of the housework, but once again my head had other thoughts. I did manage to get to sleep before 2 am, but unfortunately woke up with a migraine. So the day has had to be spent quietly, but considering all that I have been through the in the last week it is not surprising that I have had a migraine today.

Looking back over the last week there are positives and negatives, the obvious negative is the bad bout of depression I am going through currently, and the fact that despite my best efforts my brother and I are still no closer, as he spent most of the time I was there hardly speaking to me, in fact I had more conversation with my 4 year old nephew than I did with my brother and sis-in-law combined, and my nephew was in school most of the time. The positive is it was the longest time I have been away from the safety of home without the buffer of my dad since I became ill.

Another positive is despite the depression and my absolute tiredness I managed to go and stay in my photography class last night and plan to go again next week.

Short but sweetish

Only a short blog tonight as I have had a very long day but was determined to write this. I started my day in Rhayader and ended up in Swansea. In between was a solo train journey and the first night of my new photography course.

Despite the fact that I was catching a train in a train station where providing I got on the right platform I was going to be on the right train, as one platform was for Shrewsbury and the other is for Swansea. Despite this I was still anxious, especially as the train got busier.

After a brief nap, due to lack of sleep last night, I was on my way to photography course. Dad walked me part of the way, and despite him offering I was determined to finish the walk on my own, and find out where I was meant to be going, which was just the start which for me was a scary evening. I found where I was going and managed to stay in the class despite feeling on a couple of occasions that I wanted to rush out of the classroom and hide.

Isolation

I am trying hard to do all the various things that have been suggested over the years to help with my depression, and none of them are helping. I know someone might think "well how much worse would you feel if you didn't do them", I know that is a possibility that I might be feeling worse, but if I am completely honest I can't imagine feeling much worse than how I feel right now.

Its really strange that other times I have felt this bad there have been events in my life that would have made anyone feel bad, but on this occasion there has not been any obvious cause. It might be a combination of things, but because I can't identify the cause it makes it all the more frightening. It probably doesn't help me that at the moment I am away from home, the longest I've been away from home since I've been ill without my dad. I am staying with my brother and sis-in-law and their kids, I know me and my brother have never been really close, but I am serious wondering why I have come here.

Feeling totally isolated despite the internet and facebook, without which I really think I would have done something to myself because without facebook I would not have had any support what so ever.

Sense of Self

I am still really struggling, still fighting back the tears. The littlest things set me off.  A good friend sent me a message last night reminding me that things can flit across my subconscious without me realising, and these flitting thoughts can trigger the tears without me realising the cause.  So whenever the tears either threatened or put in an appearance I tried to think what had been passing through my head, on some occasions I could figure the cause out but there were a few occasions where I could not think of any reason what so ever.

One of my major problems at the moment is I have no real sense of self, no idea where I am going with my life, it might not seem too important for many people but I need to know because I need my reason for living. I wish someone could tell me because at the moment I am just going through the motions, doing things because I should be doing them, not because I want to be doing them.

I know that perhaps I should be just concentrating on my recovery and not dwelling on deep and meaning questions such as the meaning of my life, but I need to know why in order to recover at the moment.

Stil struggling on...but why????

Had another bad day. I'm trying not to sound like i'm moaning, and I know in some ways I am so much better off than others, but it doesn't stop the fact that today has been spent either fighting back the tears or mopping them up before someone sees them.

I know its the depression talking, but knowing and accepting are two very different things, and even if I was to accept that its just the depression and things will soon be better, it doesn't stop how I am feeling right now. And right here and now I've had enough of it all, of people saying that it will get better that I've been here before and have beaten it before, but I haven't beaten it because if I had why is it here now. To be honest I am wondering why people go on about how great life is, because I just don't get it.

For more than a decade I have been trying to beat this and don't feel like I am really getting anywhere. I am unemployed, live at home and am single. Not exactly how I saw my life panning out. I know you can't have everything you want but I don't want everything I just want an average life. I don't want to feel jealous of my own brother's life. Its not that he is a millionaire living a fabulous life, it's just he has a job he loves, lives in a lovely part of the world, has a good social life and a family that love him. Before anyone thinks it I am not getting broody, believe me just one child of my own would drive me up the wall let alone 3, but its the fact that he has made his way in the world to just an old fashioned term, something that I have spectacularly failed to do. I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone but I can't help it.

I am trying I really am but its not easy to do when I am wondering why I am trying.

Not easy reading a bedtime story with tears in my eyes

Today has been up and down. I found myself genuinely laughing earlier tonight with my niece and one of my nephews and it took me by surprise. This might seem strange to some people reading this,  but it is a very long time since I even felt like that, that in some way I was beginning to think I'd forgotten how.

But my cantankerous, bloody affected mind wouldn't let me enjoy the feeling for even one hour. Is that asking too much just one hour of feeling normal and happy, in the first time in so so long. It came to an abrupt end as I read my nephew a bedtime story, now I know my nephew has strange taste in bedtime reading, last night I had to read from a dinosaur encyclopaedia, but tonights story had nothing to do with the struggle I was having in fighting back the tears, as I doubt anyone would ever be able to find anything to cry about in Trevor Tractor gets a bee in his bonnet,  when I say I was fighting back the tears, at one point I nearly left the room as I thought I was about to cry.

If I had a pound for every time ether I have read a report or someone said to me that exercise would improve my depression, or that I need to keep busy I would be rich, but unfortunately but life isn't that simple or else it hasn't read the reports, for the last few days I've been busy and active, but it has also involved me way out of my comfort zone, for example today I went for coffee with my sis-in-law and two of her friends. So I was in a strange place with strange people, does anyone here sense the anxiety.

I'm tired and want to run away, but I can't and I wont let myself, but when I should be happy I feel like I've really had enough.

One small step for most humans one giant leap for me

Well I did yet another small step, I managed to get a taxi on my own from the house to catch a train. I was met at the other end, but its the first time in a long while that I had to ensure that I was on the right train without someone else travelling with me for confirmation.

Photographs will resume tomorrow but if anyone thinks I am going back upstairs in order to get my card reader, they have no idea of the number of times I have run up and downstairs in the last 20 minutes as I have been left baby sitting 3 kids all under 5years of age.

I am shattered now, in part due to the stress of my journey, of returning to a train station that last time I visited it, one week later my brain completely blew a fuse, plus I have been helping my sister ion law out all afternoon and evening with my niece and nephews, and I can't help thinking that people pay good money fot  the type of workout I have had today.

I am pleased with what I have achieved today, I spent quality time with my niece and nephews and they seemed to enjoy my company, though kids at that age are easily pleased/bribed. But I have to admit to being anxious about helping out with them, as I have little experience of young children and never am sure what I am supposed to be saying and doing with them.

I only had to change my t shirt once today, due to sweating through the anxiety, but despite this obvious level of anxiety I continued and achieved all I set out to do and more on top

Hols

Well i'm nearly packed , as tomorrow I'm off for a week to mid Wales, where I plan to corrupt/spoil my niece and nephews. Its funny but when I'm with the kids I don't mind going out quite so much, possible as the kids are camouflage. Its hopefully a great excuse to kickstart my photography as I will be in a new area. The big challenge is that I am travelling on my own, but luckily there will be no change of train, unless of course it breaks down. But as dad has to be somewhere in the morning it will be the first time in a long while that I will have to catch a train on my own without having the safety net of someone else confirming that I am on the right train. Though if the train has a first class section then I am definitely on the wrong train. So tomorrow morning I will have to go through a range of my coping strategies and heaven help anyone who winds me up or gets in my way.

Physical v Mental

I've caught a bug which has left me feeling very tired and full of cold. With the added fun of the depression getting myself to do anything is harder than normal. Though I know if I don't do something then the depression will get worse exacerbating the effects of the bug and taking me longer to get over it. It can be hard to find a balance at times like this of giving myself time to recover from both physical and mental impacts and at the same time not allowing the depression to get a real grip onto me mind.

Bananas in Pyjamas

Haven't felt much like taking photos recently, this is a sign of the depression, and was only when I realised that, that I understood that the depression had crept up on me without me realising. This might seem strange to those of you who never have had depression, but depression isn't just sitting in a corner crying, it can affect you in so many different ways. One of the worse things about depression is its ability to creep up and catch me unawares. It is only when I realise that I have stopped doing things I love because I just can't be bothered that I realise that once again it has crept up on me.

One great piece of advice I have been given though, which when I first heard it I thought the person was crackers and just trying to get me active, is the fact that it is important that I don't wait to feel motivated to do something before I do it, by doing it I will get the motivation. Believe me this is true, hence the importance of the daily activity scheduling.

Waiting for weighing

Today I had to do something really hard for me, even in the scheme of things i find hard, I had to get weighed. My doctor has said that me having a weighing scales at home would not be a very good idea considering how depressed I can get when I do weigh.

So off I went this morning to get weighed, before hand I was trying hard to convince myself that providing I had not put weight on it would be ok, but deep down I knew I would get depressed if I hadn't lost any When the nurse told me that I had lost weight I couldn't believe it and thought she had got the figures wrong. But luckily she hadn't and I had lost weight, one month down many more to go, I am going to have to accept that there are going to be good months and bad, but on the other hand I know how much of my social phobia and depression is tied up with my weight and how I perceive how others perceive me as a result.

What I do best...Panic

Just had another panic attack, all through my own making. I have enrolled on an AS photography course, I know I have had paperwork emailed through to me but I can't find it, then when I went on the college website the term date shown was term starting today, so major panic. For those of you who have never had a panic attack, a) think yourself lucky, b) leaves me short of breath, heart racing and headache beginning.

I have now calmed down slightly and emailed the college saying I've lost the paperwork, then when I went onto the website to get the phone number for te college and my exact course details I saw that instead of term starting today, term in fact starts on the 17th, which then caused another panic as I am away from the 10-17, but all being well I can caught a train which will get me back in time.

I am looking forward to my holiday, even though I will be travelling on my own, and Dad wont be seeing me onto the train as he is out when I have to leave the house. So it will be my biggest challenge for sometime, but the reward is worth it, a week of spoiling my niece and nephews and if I'm lucky teaching them a few bad habits.

Frustration subtitle Best Laid Plans

I have to learn my limits and that sometimes it is not always possible for me to do everything I want when I plan to do it. I find it frustrating when I plan to do something then for some reason I am unable to.

Lots of things have been going through my mind the last couple of days, one thing is how annoyed I am with myself for failing my driving test as I know that I am capable of doing it. Iam also annoyed with the physical effects of the anxiety has had on my body resulting in it being very difficult to do my activity scheduling.

People have been telling my not to worry and to keep trying but I find this hard to resolve with my extreme lack of trust in people, people say what they think you want to hear, that is what my experience   so far has taught me. I need to find a balance I have to teach myself, reprogram myself that not everyone tells lies and that some people do care for me and want to help, this is probably going to be one of my hardest lessons to learn.