Does anyone know the way???

This last week for some unknown reason my depression has got a lot worse. I spent most of last night in tears, just a nice test from a friend could set me off. I feel like I'm approaching the bottom of a well and no longer know which way to go.

I posted on my facebook page yesterday 'sometimes we fall so far that we either can't find our way back or we lack the energy to do so', and one of my friends replied am I meant to be heading back or somewhere new. I know that I want to change to leave the old me behind but I have become so overwhelmed by trying to change that I no longer know which way is up. 


One thing I do know is that this isn't the lowest I've been. Its hard when you are having thoughts of self harm and wondering why you go on to remember that you have been worse and have recovered from it, but it is important that I do remember that I have been worse and found a way out and that I can do so again. 


It doesn't matter what reasons I give myself in order to find the energy to carry on, just as long as I do. On Thursday night  became an Aunty for the third time, and at the moment I am trying to hang on to the thought that I need to be around to show my 2 nephews and niece the alternative sides to life. I must remember that I'm the aunt with the tattoo, who goes to see bands like the Foo Fighters and Green Day, I'm the one who's on first name terms in my local comic shop, I'm the one who can show them that being different is ok, but only if I'm around and happy myself with being different.


I have spent the last couple of days wishing that I was someone else, that I wasn't  gay, overweight, scared of the world, but today I've come to the realisation that it is who I am, and that I can change two of those things given time. Thats the hardest part. Time. 

A dandelion is considered by many to be a weed, but when I was in horticulture college we were taught that there are no such things as weeds only plants in the wrong place. All to often we dismiss the dandelion and forget to consider its simple beauty.