Self

One thing I have found about writing this blog is it is making me examine my reactions to situations. This morning when the door was knocked I found myself with rising anxiety as I went to open it, I hoped that it was just the postman and so wouldn't require me to talk to anyone. It was the postman, but by the time I closed the door I was shaking.

I can put a mask on and create an appearance of being able to cope whilst inside forget butterflies I manage to have a hurricane of emotions.

One of the worse things I have found with my depression is the fact that for no apparent reason I can find myself close to tears. This is something that despite the years of depression I find so hard.

I have always been someone who bottled up emotions finding it easier to do this than to deal with them, so suddenly finding myself fighting back the tears is something that is hard to cope with.

Another realisation I have come to recently is how much I hate myself, this finally came to a head after two sessions in Photo Tales on self portraits, I love my photography but after both of these sessions I came home and cried. Why I hate myself quite so much I don't know, probably due in part to the pressures I referred to in an early entry, but also in part due to past experiences. This hatred is re-enforced by the thoughts going round in my head all the time. I hope in time the thoughts will become quieter or at least take a day off.