Shattered

I am absolutely shattered, my therapist has put me forward to join a psychodynamic therapy group when I finish with her, and today I had an interview with the leader of the group on order to find out if I am suitable and would gain from attending the group. This meant an hour interview with a stranger, talking over my history as a result I am absolutely drained. I find this happens every time i have therapy or have to speak about myself for any period of time. It is also draining when you have it pointed out how ill you have been, but the positive thing is she told me my therapist is pleased with the effort I have been making. Its hard sometimes to realise what progress I have made.

Despite being so tired on my way home I did manage to walk two blocks of a busy street as Dad made a detour to get some bread.

Now I am drained physically and mentally, curled up on the sofa hoping not to have to move for sometime.

Achievement?

The last couple of days i havent been too good and had to cancel my coffee appointment, and couldn't cross off my activity schedule. I took sleeping tablets, though I hate taking them. I knew I needed a good nights sleep and the way i am at the moment only sleeping tablets would give me that.

When i got up as the weather wasn't very good dad asked if I wanted to go into town. We planned to do a little shopping and then to a shop out of town, unfortunately after a few shops i had to go home. Despite a break for a cup of tea, this was in part due to a bad panic attack in WHSmiths, I am trying to remain in a place till a panic attack goes, but this one felt so bad I had to leave. In fact several hours later I am still feeling the effects. The plus side was Dad saying he can't remember the last time I wandered into so many shops, so therapy for the generalised side of the social phobia is beginning to work.

Struggling On

The depression is still bad, and this time has triggered the thoughts of self harming. But I am trying hard to help myself. I got up earlyish this morning and have tried to keep busy, sorting out photographs on my macbook, and making flapjacks. This I hope will eventually reverse the depression or at the worse stop it from getting worse. It is hard when my IBS is bad and my depression drains me of all energy to get up and do things, but I know if I don't the depression will get worse.

Trying still

It is said that one problem with the internet is the fact that the person you are chatting to online could be anyone, you would think this would be a bonus for a social phobic like me. This isn't the case even when online I struggle and can have panic attacks. So the thought of me joining a penpal group and to chat on the forums is something I still can't believe I have done.

I join the international geek girl pen pal group and after posting a comment about trouble I was having with penpals vanishing I got myself a new penpal, she sent me a parcel of bits and pieces which arrived this morning and cheered me up a bit. So it goes to show by making an effort I get something back. Now I just need to put together a parcel to send her.

Trying to stay positive

It hard to break the cycle of depression once it starts, especially as my anxiety and depression can trigger my migraines. Today it wasn't a migraine instead it was a tension headache that meant every time I moved I felt my head might explode.

This meant I wasn't able to make it to Hafal, which in turn results in more depression and the cycle goes on. But I'm trying not to give in to look at the positives, it is surprising how small things can help, last night a friend messaged me to ask if I was OK, and I managed to invite her for a coffee next week, a huge step for me. Just being contacted by friends means so so much, and helps me get through the following hour. It can be tempting when the depression starts to put things off till I feel better, instead I'm trying to plan things.

Another day

Well I've made it to another day, mainly through watching cartoons on YouTube. Last nights episode has left me absolutely exhausted.

After yesterday's blog one of my friends suggested phoning a few friends and when I thought about this I had a panic attack, the thought terrified me. It took me sometime to analyse this and to work out why, part of it is the absolute fear of rejection, fear that is paralysing me, I am so scared that my friends have moved on and don't want to know me and I'm afraid of interfering with their lives.

Here we go again

I have just got over a bout of depression but seem to be heading for another bout already. This is probably due to a number of reasons, getting over a bad migraine that has meant I haven't been able to do anything including reading for several days, the realisation that I won't achieve my dreams, extreme feelings of loneliness.

Its little things that keep adding up with a result head downwards. Due to allergies and food intolerance there are very few take always I can have, as a treat there is a sandwich place nearby that does gorgeous sandwiches, so had my favourite today and for the first time it triggered my IBS, this might not sound major but getting stomach cramps after something you think of as a treat just adds to the pile.

There is a saying that committing suicide is not allowing things to get better, but what do you do if you truly believe that things won't get better. People have said to me about getting my anti depressants changed, I wish it was as easy as that, unfortunately I am on my 5th different anti depressant and have been told by my psychiatrist that if these don't work then there is nothing else to try, even if there was something else to try its not like going from one painkiller to another, it would involve coming off my existing medication over a couple of weeks and then gradually going on to the new medication all of which takes at least a month.

Another issue at the moment is taking things too personally, people might say something on the radio about people who are obese, single or on benefits and I assume they are taking directly about me, I know this isn't logical they don't know me but this doesn't stop the active illogical part of my brain latching on to it.

I know I live with my dad but currently I am overwhelmed, no other word for it, with a feeling of loneliness and isolation, I don't know how to break this. I just want a so called normal life where I can go out with friends instead of hiding away. I know I can't goon like this as it is killing me but I have no idea at all of how to change things.

Still here

Another day of struggling on, its getting a bit monotonous, I try to help my recovery, I do my therapy, the depression starts and I have to fight against it.

Each time I wonder if I have the strength, physical and mental to fight it. I know that I have beaten it so fat, and in all probability I will beat it this time but still the thought is lurking in my head is this it, is this the bout of depression that finally beats me.

I am trying to think of positive things regarding the progress so far, but all that overwhelms my mind is, so what, what have I achieved, what's it really worth. Despite the pieces of paper I have collected that say I have achieved this and that what do they really mean. I would swap them all tomorrow to be well, to be happy. I sometimes wonder if I have forgotten what it is to be truly happy.

When I was younger I had a dream about what I wanted from my life, I didn't want much, I wanted to work abroad, preferably Africa, for a charity, I wanted somewhere nice to live, not fancy but somewhere that was mine, I wanted a good hi-fi system and I wanted someone to love me. Its hard when you realise/believe that the only dream that will come true is that I might one day get a decemnt hi-fi. I know not everybody achieves their dreams but when mine were comparatively small its hard to have to let go of them

Late late edition

Had two lots of therapy today, both involved me being in town and going into shops. I find this hard but I did it. My main therapist is pleased with my progress and said its my stubborn streak that has got me this far, especially after the nauseous I felt on my way in to therapy, which means walking through town.

I voluntarily faced a couple of places that I find difficult, some shops are worse than others, including the market. On several occasions I was left on my own with my therapist remaining within eyesight. After these occasions I was visibly shaking but I did it.

My one wish at the moment is that my depression would cooperate, I had a tough but productive day, I am making progress, but I'm struggling. It maybe the tiredness, but the depression I have been fighting for the last week has made it to the surface and is beginning to envelop me. I know most people say depression is a black dog but to me its like a duvet cover, currently I'm inside trying to find my away out, the more I turn the more enmeshed I become. I now there is a way out but I've lost it and only a violent reaction to the situation seems to be the answer.

I want to try and put into words how this bout of depression is making me feel. Worthless, alone, solitary, hopeless, pathetic. Overwhelming feelings. I keep hearing people in my head saying if you don't love yourself then no one will love you. As I at this time hate myself my brain is playing this over and over as a loop in my head, a reminder of the fact that no could love me. I find this hard. I know I have friends but the self sabotaging part of my brain instantly responds they have their own lives, I'm boring them, they are fed up with my self pitying.

The logical part of my brain knows about the sabotaging, but it can't or won't fight it.

I am trying to end this on a positive note, though it feels false. Its been a tough week with several anxiety/panic attacks with no apparent triggers, but I made it to photography and therapy.

Tonights photography class

Tonights photography class was gone to due to a huge stubborn streak. I had a rough nights sleep and then later had a bad anxiety attack that I just stopped becoming a panic attack. I still don't know what triggered it as I was watching a cookery at the time, not a normally anxiety causing medium. I am trying to find my anxiety and depression triggers not to avoid those situations/causes but to help me cope.

I knew I had to go to my photography class tonight as its the final one of the year, so paperwork stating that its my work needed signing. All being well I will be doing the second part of this course starting in Septemberr

Trouble with anxiety

When the majority of people think about anxiety they remember the brief butterflies before an exam or new situation. I wish my anxiety was at that level, it is what I'm aiming for.

To give you an example of how anxiety has become out of control in my life, I have mentioned the social phobia before but the example I want to give is how I became so worked up over a very trivial item I triggered my depression, a bad headache and a sleepless night. Last night I decided I wanted to read a certain book, I was 100% sure that I had bought the book and that it was in my bedroom but I couldn't find it. Instead of leaving it and looking for it the next day, I started moving things round trying to find it. Its not like I don't have other books to read, or that couldn't afford to buy another copy, but these logical thoughts only stayed in my head briefly. I had to stop looking in the end as I had worked myself up so much. Had to spend today reminding myself that last nights actions were a result of my illness, this is not to give me a get out of trying to get better instead it is a way of trying to find a balance so I do recover and not allow this to bring me down again.