RTFM (Read the f#### manual)

Normally when I listen to the radio I end up getting worked up or feeling depressed. Due to insomnia I was awake late Monday night/Tuesday morning and as a result heard a very interesting interview. It was about geeks and depression, not pseudo geeks purely geeks due to fashion, but genuine geeks maths/science loving computer programming geeks. It was saying why geeks are more likely to suffer from depression, this is due in part to the fact that many geeks are bullied from an early age, as we are different, being interested in those things we are not supposed in be interested in such as reading, maths or science.

Another issue regarding geeks and depression was that as geeks normally consider themselves problem solvers when they have depression they are faced with a problem they can't immediately solve. This really spoke to me, all too often if friends have a computer problem they turn to me, I enjoy problem solving with depression I get frustrated as there isn't a manual I can turn to no piece of code to rewrite in order to solve the problem.

The interview went on to mention a group online called blue hackers which I have found useful, so I was glad for once for my insomnia.

Doubts and the next step

Starting to have a rough time again, depression seems to amplify doubts and my lack of self confidence and self esteem. On Monday for example I was positive that I knew what I was going to do for my photography exam but doubts have crept in and left me unsure. Whether I am unsure over the question to do or my ability to do it I'm not sure.

These doubts have permeated the rest of my life leading to my head raising no end of other doubts and fears. I know if I can't get a grip soon on this it is going to lead to a downward spiral that might get out of control. I have tried several of the techniques I've been taught to stop it but so far no luck. It is the usual doubts that are being raised, it would be nice if it could be something different for a change at least it would be variety, but instead my head is shouting abuse at me telling me how pathetic and useless I am, that I will not achieve anything and reminds me how lonely I am.

I am trying I'm trying to get out a little more, to do my therapy, but there comes a point where I need some more help from anyone, suggestions how I can get out more, suggestions on feeling less lonely. Where do I turn to? Sometimes I think if I caused more problems to society I might get all the help I need, but I haven't and won't so I am given 12 one hour sessions which won't even scratch the surface and left to fend for myself.

I did it again

Years ago I went with school on an outward bounds course, which involved a lot of rock climbing, the funny thing is that I am terrified of heights but didn't let it stop me, after one climb one of the instructors asked me, I thought you were scared of heights, I said I was, and he replied why did you take the hardest route up then, my answer was that it appeared to be the easiest route to me.
Tonight it seems I've done it again. Tonight I was given, for my AS photography course, the controlled assignment, otherwise known as an exam. There are 14 possible assignments and we have to choose 1. Not all the assignments are suitable for photographic interpretation as the paper is for everyone doing AS Art and design. Our lecturer went through them pointing out which ones he thought we should avoid, true to form the one that appealed to me most was one he thought we should avoid. This isn't going to stop me doing it, though when it starts getting tough it is really important that I don't start beating myself up about it.

Another achievement tonight I walked home from college in the dark on my own and without phoning home first. I am now absolutely shattered and my head really hurts but part of me is pleased with my achievement.

Two but not three

I was really hoping to make it three days in a row of going out, unfortunately this wasn't to be. I woke up after a bad night with a really bad headache, so had to give up on my plans to go to Mumbles to do some photography. I did start beating myself up feeling that I had given in, but as soon ad I realised what I was doing I made an effect to put a stop to it. My therapist gave me a technique to try to stop when I start these mental beatings, I now wear a bracelet which has elastic cord, when I start beating myself up I pull on it and let it go, this slight snap just provides a distraction and helps to disrupt the beating. I have only been doing it for a few days but so far it seems to help.

So once I realised I was beating myself up I tried to stop it by thinking I can try again tomorrow to get out, and also it has been a long time since I went out two days in a row, and not only did I go out but I did walk a little bit on my own in town and go into some shops on my own again this is something I haven't done for a very long time. So I am trying to focus on the positive, its not easy but I'm making a start once again heading in the right direction.

Absolutely shattered

It is official I am less tired after an hour in the gym than I am after an hour of therapy. Today's therapy was more intense when my therapist suggested that in a session I might go for a tea with an assistant physiologist. Just the thought of it was enough to make me feel sick. I know everyone gets nervous meeting new people but my reaction was over the top, yet knowing and being able to change my reactions is going to be hard.

Even when my therapy ends it is still going to be some time and plenty of hard work before I can function in what might be called a normal manner. It is going to be hard work and its not always going to go in the direction I want it to but at least its going in the right direction at the moment, and if it goes off track I know where the track is.

Safety

Part of my therapy is for me to eventually remove my safety behaviours, these are those behaviours I have in place to enable me to be able to go as much as I do.  These behaviours include walking with my head down, wearing a baseball cap, avoiding eye contact, and using my mp3 player. The thought of dropping these behaviours frightens me almost as much as the thought of going out or meeting new people. I know it is something which I have to do and that it will take time but that doesn't stop me from being anxious about it. Though on the positive side I did manage the walk home from photography the other night without my mp3 player, I really hated it but I did manage it.

It is interesting how many of behaviours appear to be of the 'if I can't see you, you can't see me', totally illogical I know but not all my thought processes are totally logical. These behaviours are so ingrained that if I feel I have had a bad driving lesson I can feel my head drop and I had to physically pull my head up so that I can see far enough up the road ahead.

One thing that I am hoping is that as I continue with my photography my head will come up for longer periods of time in order to look for potential photos that I might miss by purely looking at the pavement.

+ & -

I'm glad the shaking I had on Monday didn't last into Tuesday as it did make drinking a cup of tea a risky procedure. The other positive regarding Monday was in my photography class the people I normally talk to weren't there, so instead of not talking to anyone I made an effort to talk to others in the class, I have to admit this was rather stressful though it did help that I could focus on helping someone with Photoshop and making the odd comment, but this is still progress for me.

Despite a lack of sleep I went to therapy today, previously the lack of sleep would have been a good excuse to cancel. It probably doesn't help that during my session to treat my anxiety the fire alarm went off, meaning I had to deal with loud noises and a change in my plan neither of which I like. But we managed to overcome this by deciding not to wait in the cold but to continue the session in a nearby cafe.

Struggled but day completed

Probably due to a combination of a cold and the depression I have spent the day physically shaking. The shaking has been bad enough that holding a cup of tea was a risky procedure. Despite this I managed to go to photography class this evening. The shaking still hasn't stopped. The positive thing for today was that I did talk to people in class a major step for me.

I find it funny in tonights class the number of people getting anxious over the portfolio that has to be in in 2 weeks and who looked at my portfolio to get ideas, if only they knew how I felt about it, how scared I am about handing my work in.

Do not wake till February 15th

Wherever I turn society says there is something wrong with me because I am not in a relationship. This goes overboard at this time of the year as everywhere you turn there are offers or reminders about valentines day. This feeling isn't just my depression going overboard, though it doesn't help, I frequently hear phone ins on the radio regarding this topic. But as usual society does not stop and think it is a juggernaut driven by an unthinking majority. 

I would love to be i a relationship, but being terrified of going out doesn't help, plus the fact that being gay with mainly straight friends means that 99% of the people I meet are straight. I have tried online sites but no luck, as I am just as scared interacting with people online as I am face to face. So it takes a real effort for me to try and strike up a conversation, also when I get a knock back, as I all too often and only seem to get, it really dents my confidence, which when you have so little to start with it really takes a hammering. Friends tell me not to take it too personally as they dont know me so its a photo they are judging me on but like most things I find this very difficult to accept. The other problem I have is I feel I really lack social skills, the ability to make small talk, to engage with people and make new friends.

When I was younger, and well, this didn't bother me so much, but when I was younger Valentines day wasn't stuffed down your throat the moment christmas day was over. I know deep down that it doesn't really matter but my self esteem and confidence issues are tied up with how I feel society judges me and perceives me. 

All too often you hear what people would do if they won the lottery, well if I won the lottery it would make no difference to me because all I really really want is a normal life, what ever that is.

If as you read this entry you think I should just ignore the ads etc pushing valentines, or that I am just feeling sorry for myself, then you should be questioning why you are reading a blog entry on my struggles with depression and social phobia. I write these blog entries, and sometimes they are extremely hard for me to write, as an outlet to try and stop me from bottling up quite so much.

Carry on...

Last night was a bad night, despite taking my sleeping tablets, as I kept going over and over the day in my head. This is a common thing with me and one of the causes of my insomnia, as all too often I try and fight being quiet so that either my thoughts can't have a go at me, or I keep busy so I don't keep replaying the day over in my head. The main problem with this replaying of the day is I start analysing it, saying to my self should I have said that should I have done that, what did that person think of me, what did they mean when they said that. I know this over analysing and not being able to let go of things over which I have no control is not good for me, but it is something which I have not been able to find a way to stop. If I try and focus on something else or do something it disturbs me trying to sleep. So I am in a no win situation, but that doesn't mean that I will give up. It is just another thing I am going to have to real with.

The important step now though is to find a balance so that I am not trying to make too many changes at once, I really don't want to give my brain another chance like it did over Christmas to say its too much and trigger another bad bout of depression. I have to stop setting myself actual date targets for my recovery and in steed set end goal targets. Though this in itself for me is easier said than done.