Do not wake till February 15th

Wherever I turn society says there is something wrong with me because I am not in a relationship. This goes overboard at this time of the year as everywhere you turn there are offers or reminders about valentines day. This feeling isn't just my depression going overboard, though it doesn't help, I frequently hear phone ins on the radio regarding this topic. But as usual society does not stop and think it is a juggernaut driven by an unthinking majority. 

I would love to be i a relationship, but being terrified of going out doesn't help, plus the fact that being gay with mainly straight friends means that 99% of the people I meet are straight. I have tried online sites but no luck, as I am just as scared interacting with people online as I am face to face. So it takes a real effort for me to try and strike up a conversation, also when I get a knock back, as I all too often and only seem to get, it really dents my confidence, which when you have so little to start with it really takes a hammering. Friends tell me not to take it too personally as they dont know me so its a photo they are judging me on but like most things I find this very difficult to accept. The other problem I have is I feel I really lack social skills, the ability to make small talk, to engage with people and make new friends.

When I was younger, and well, this didn't bother me so much, but when I was younger Valentines day wasn't stuffed down your throat the moment christmas day was over. I know deep down that it doesn't really matter but my self esteem and confidence issues are tied up with how I feel society judges me and perceives me. 

All too often you hear what people would do if they won the lottery, well if I won the lottery it would make no difference to me because all I really really want is a normal life, what ever that is.

If as you read this entry you think I should just ignore the ads etc pushing valentines, or that I am just feeling sorry for myself, then you should be questioning why you are reading a blog entry on my struggles with depression and social phobia. I write these blog entries, and sometimes they are extremely hard for me to write, as an outlet to try and stop me from bottling up quite so much.