Low but not giving up

Had a really bad day today as I failed my second attempt at passing my driving test. The examiner thought it was just really down to my nerves. They were so bad I thought I was going to be sick just before my test began. Once he told me I had failed I did serious think why am I bothering, I am spending a lot of money on lessons amend tests just to fail. It is so tempting just to give up and say my nerves/anxiety wins, but I need a driving licence to have a chance at a job, so if I ever want a normal life no matter how long it takes I am going to try again. Its hard at times like this not to compare myself to others, especially as my brother passed his test first time, but I have to get into my head that I am me an individual.

I have to try and remember the positives, at least time I completed the test, plus the examiner said that at times on the test I drove really well.

Therapy restart

Had my first therapy session in over 2 months, I had forgotten how physically and mentally exhausting the sessions are. Discovered a few interesting things, such as the trigger for the really bad bout of depression I had recently might have been my brain having a massive panic as I was trying to make changes in my life.

Knowing why something might have happened helps me enormously, just as with the discussion today about my relationship with my mother is a good indicator of where my complete lack of self esteem has come from. It is time though to keep moving on, to not give in to my brain sulking as I push it, and to accept that my relationship with my mother should not impact upon my feelings of self worth.

Still Struggling On...

Two migraines in a week, someone somewhere is taking the p**s. These meant that I haven't been able to take advantage of the sunshine to get some more photography done, this has meant my mood is very low. Migraines also mean that I cant be active, something that can help to alleviate the depression.

One good thing is I have started my food diary again, hopefully this time I will stick to it because my weight/size is a major factor in my social phobia. It is one of the main things that I really hate about myself, I have tried in the past to lose weight, but as I have so much to lose I get disheartened after several months when it doesn't seem to be coming off. Hopefully I will have more luck this time as I have to lose it my my minds health sake.

Another why bother

A bad night and bad weather has meant me not being able to do today what I had planned and was looking forward to. This then combined with another headache has lead to the restarting up of my depression. All this has lead to me going through another bout of why am I bothering. Tiredness makes it harder to fight, and depression does need fighting. I have got up and tried to do things in order to feel just a little better but so far no luck. The depression is in and so once again I am fighting against tears and my own mind.

Another day another challenge

Managed to get a few things done today, including a driving lesson which involved a parellel park in the snow, the only mistake I made was trying to pull away from traffic lights in 3rd gear, which for some reason the car didn't like. Then this afternoon I had a friend visit, even though I was in the safe zone of my own home I still find it hard when people come to visit, even if they are people I know and like. This might sound strange but it is the way my mind works, I am trying to overcome this slowly by meeting with people but like most things in my life it is going to take time and effort.

I have done some further work on my portfolio, so it looks like for the time being I am not quitting the course, if for no other reason than it gets me out of the house for an evening.

Sticking it

Despite my lack of confidence in m photography I finally bit the bullet today and stuck some of my photos into my portfolio, previously the only photos I ad stuck in had been those other people had taken and that i was using to illustrate what sort of photos I was interested in. I decided to stick them in after my tutorial with my lecturer last night, he told me that they were strong images and showed a confidence in my photography. At that point I had to resist laughing because the last thing I feel about  my photography is confidence.

It seems that I can hide my total lack of confidence, there are people who after meeting doubt me when I tell them about my anxieties and lack of confidence. This is probably down to the fact that I have been trying to hide this for so long that I have become expert at it.

Hard days

Really tired tonight physically and mentally. Still working hard on getting my sleep sorted. Spent some of the day working on my photographs for my portfolio, then had a driving lesson meaning I finally got to see some snow, then this evening I had my photography class. On top of all this my brain has decided to have one of its crisis in confidence and so I have also spent today threatening to quit my photography class and having to convince myself to keep on going. All this adds to my tiredness, and as I get tired I can feel the edge of the depression just stretching out to me. It is important that I don't make many decisions that I might come to regret later.

Still Going.....

I am not the sort of person who collects quotes, either writing them down or remembering them. But once in a while I come across something that really talks to me, either because it encapsulates how I am feeling or it is something I can use to prevent myself from either doing or mentally going somewhere that I shouldn't. Last night I read the opening sentence of a book I was given for my birthday and knew I had to remember it for the next time I try and mentally hide.

'We all create small rooms for ourselves-- dark places where we curl up and hide like little children, seeking solace from the outside world. Despite our best efforts, it is there that out personal dragons prey on us.'

For some reason today has been mentally tough, this is probably due to a number of things, trying to sort my sleep out, my birthday and finally speaking to my mother who is trying to meet up with me. For  those who don't know me, my relationship with my mother is at its best when we are not in contact with each other. From the little therapy I have had so many of the problems I now have with self esteem/self confidence stem from her. So having to speak to her on the phone is not my idea of a good day, I know the easy thing would be to break all contact but for some reason I am unable to do this. Yet despite feeling lousy I have managed to get up and dressed, and have also done some work on my AS photography portfolio.

Has someone given me something?

I hate my birthday, I hate being reminded that I am a year older. I had planned to go to Mumbles today for cake and chocolates, but plans had to be changed due to a combination of the weather and me waking up with double vision and a headache ( so please forgive spelling errors).

With all this combined you would expect me to be really down, instead I'm thinking well the shops will still be there next week and at least my favourite magazine arrived yesterday. This seems to be a step forward in thinking for me.

To be honest the only thing I really don't like is the fact that due to the weather my brother can't visit today with my niece, but 6-8 inches of snow has stopped them.

Two days of effort

Really pleased with myself, it might not seem much to most people but I got up today and did some work on my AS level photography portfolio. I'm still getting over the infection in my mouth and the removal of a tooth. I am also going through the hard process of trying to sort my sleep out, I have had insomnia on and off for 16 years, and whilst my sleeping patterns meant that no matter what time I got up I would not get off to sleep till 4am it was impossible to think about finding a job. Its only been 10 days but its heading in the right direction, I know it is going to take time and isn't always going to be easy, but at least it is heading in the right direction.

The big thing about doing some work on my portfolio is down once again to the issues surrounding my self confidence, I am so scared of failure that it is paralysing me. I know that if I don't complete the work it is a failure, but in my mind it is better than failing on course marks. No matter how often people say they like a particular photo of mine I can't get it out of my head that they are just being nice. So today I decided that I would just slowly get on with working on a couple of images that I need for my portfolio and try and forget what I am doing them for, to just concentrate on them as images and not images for my portfolio.

Making an effort

The last few days have been particularly bad, on Friday I started getting toothache which by Monday almost had me in tears. I was lucky enough to get an appointment on Monday to see my dentist, who informed me I had a massive infection including and abscess inside one of my teeth and the only thing she could do was remove the tooth.

One good thing came out of this, as daft as it my sound, when I was going through the pain of the injections, difficult extraction and further injections I tried to distract myself with thoughts of what I was going to buy as a treat, the good thing for me was instead of thinking about cake or chocolate instead I thought about fruit and a magazine.

Today I woke up with a headache and the feeling that someone had punched me in the face. Didn't feel that i was going to get anything done today, but the light persuaded me to get out and try and get some photos taken. I decided that it was worth the effort as the rest of the month might be overcast all the time and then I wouldn't get some of the photos I needed.

Meet one of old nursery school teacher, who wasn't surprised to hear that I had got my Masters as she had seen the potential in me all those years ago, though she was surprised that I was having problems with my confidence.

Pause rather than reverse

All good things come to an end. Unfortunately my plans for todays activity schedule didn't work out, I was hoping to go to sewing but a bad headache put an end to that. But instead of seeing it as a failure, or the illness winning I am trying hard to convince myself its just a pause in plans and normal service will return tomorrow.

Another day another activity

Woke up this morning wonder ring if I had a muscle that doesn't ache. I had a headache though on the plus side it wasn't a migraine.

As well as doing my driving lesson and some housework which were on my activity schedule I also went out for a walk and took some photos, which wasn't o my schedule. Really pleased that I felt like going out and doing something, a real progress over the past 6 weeks.

Depression takes a back seat

As I write this I ache and am shattered, but on the positive side my depression has had to take a back seat today. I spent today helping a friend hang pictures for her exhibition. This involved hanging numerous holes in walls that at time tried to destroy the drill bit and drill. With so many holes to drill the depression hasn't has space to put in an appearance.

Two days and two completed activity schedules. At the moment it won't be possible for me to do the level of activity I did today, but I proved I can do it, so with time I should be able to do much more.

Struggling on

Really struggled today, I have gone back to activity scheduling to try and beat this latest bout of depression. I had one thing to do today which encompassed, physical, social, something I enjoy and something to give me a sense of achievement, this was to go to my photography class. I did manage to go and walk home on my own, though I had a panic attack in class.

Had to dig really deep to find what I needed in order to go tonight, I would have been happy to have curled up in bed and hidden. Its funny just when I think I have no more to give my stubborn streak finds a little more.

Keeping going

This bout of depression seems to have decided to stay around for the time being. Trying to remain positive, which is easier said than done, one positive is that the suicidal thoughts are lessening. It is hard to write about these thoughts, like so much to do with mental health it is not something that we normally talk about, but these thoughts are part of me, they are the reality of my depression.

But I keep trying to function and not to hide, I am planning on going to photography tomorrow night, and will be going out on Tuesday to help a friend, so another positive. Its the feelings of loneliness and isolation that are really attacking me at the moment, I know I have my dad but that fact doesn't stop the feelings. These are not the only irrational feeling s that I am having but they are the strongest at the moment.

Keeping thoughts at bay

The last couple of days have been a real fight against thoughts of suicide. People who commit suicide are not cowards, as I have often heard them called, they just don't see anyway forward. I have had to spend every waking hour over the last two days convincing myself that there is a way forward, I have managed so far to convince myself of that though the fight continues though it is easing. I know these thoughts will continue as my birthday approaches, all I can do is try and convince myself that I am not a complete failure and that life is worth living. I am not being melodramatic just matter of fact, these are the thoughts that are going through my head.

The positive side is I have gone from living from minute to minute now thinking about the next day, there is light at the end of the tunnel, even though at the moment it is only a pinprick of light I think nevertheless I can see that pinprick of light.