Does anyone know the way???

This last week for some unknown reason my depression has got a lot worse. I spent most of last night in tears, just a nice test from a friend could set me off. I feel like I'm approaching the bottom of a well and no longer know which way to go.

I posted on my facebook page yesterday 'sometimes we fall so far that we either can't find our way back or we lack the energy to do so', and one of my friends replied am I meant to be heading back or somewhere new. I know that I want to change to leave the old me behind but I have become so overwhelmed by trying to change that I no longer know which way is up. 


One thing I do know is that this isn't the lowest I've been. Its hard when you are having thoughts of self harm and wondering why you go on to remember that you have been worse and have recovered from it, but it is important that I do remember that I have been worse and found a way out and that I can do so again. 


It doesn't matter what reasons I give myself in order to find the energy to carry on, just as long as I do. On Thursday night  became an Aunty for the third time, and at the moment I am trying to hang on to the thought that I need to be around to show my 2 nephews and niece the alternative sides to life. I must remember that I'm the aunt with the tattoo, who goes to see bands like the Foo Fighters and Green Day, I'm the one who's on first name terms in my local comic shop, I'm the one who can show them that being different is ok, but only if I'm around and happy myself with being different.


I have spent the last couple of days wishing that I was someone else, that I wasn't  gay, overweight, scared of the world, but today I've come to the realisation that it is who I am, and that I can change two of those things given time. Thats the hardest part. Time. 

A dandelion is considered by many to be a weed, but when I was in horticulture college we were taught that there are no such things as weeds only plants in the wrong place. All to often we dismiss the dandelion and forget to consider its simple beauty. 

One painful step

Due to increasing my recent activity I developed Plantar fasciitis, this is inflammation and micro tears of the ligaments across the bottom of both of my feet, this makes it painful to walk. Despite taking painkillers and anti inflammatory tablets it still is painful to walk, which makes it difficult for me to get out, though so far it hasn't stopped me so far. Today it did. I had planned to walk down to the beach and take some photos, unfortunately I only got part of the way before the pain got too much and I had to come home.

I could see this as a set back, but I am trying hard to convince myself that at least I made the effort, as it wouldn't have been so long ago that I wouldn't have even started out.

I will have to rest my feet for a few days so that is going to challenge me when it comes to taking a photo daily, it should be interesting to see what I come up with.

I have been spending sometime thinking about the majority of photos that I choose to take and I have realised that they are influenced by my view of the world, which in turn is influenced by my experiences. The interest in flowers is due to 2 years in horticulture college.

 Seeing things low down and from low angles is  due to my habit of walking around with my head down, the reason for this is the fact that I feel that I am hiding, just like a child who thinks if they can't see you you can't see them. I know its not logical but that is how my mind works, the depression and anxiety reroutes the logic circuit of my brain.

Today's walk was brought to you by...

Today's walk was helped by the weather, Green Day's album Dookie and the fact that I had to go to the dentist.

Today started ok, with a driving lesson first thing, which I got through, despite one stall, one idiot undertaking me just when I was going to move into that lane and one lorry cutting me up on a roundabout, what my driving instructor called him I can't repeat without having an 18+ rating.

I was supposed to go to my sewing class this afternoon, but due to yesterday being busy for me, plus a pending visit to the dentist I decided that it would be best for me to miss it.

To make up for it I walked to the dentist on my own, then increased the walk by doing some shopping afterwards. This in effect doubled the length of my walk, and also meant that I had to go into a busy area. I have found that having my camera with me, in my hand, does make it easier for me to be out. I think this is because it gives me an excuse to stop when I need to catch my breath after a panic or anxiety attack. It also gives me something else to hide behind, along with my mp3 player and range of baseball caps.

The opportunity to photograph  this gorgeous Magnolia tree meant that instead of taking the quieter route home I had to cross a busy road twice. The power of photography.

Life is not a box of chocolates its a rollercoaster

I should be happy with myself today, but for some reason I can't. The reason I should be happy is I have walked the furthest today only my own since my second breakdown. I had three walks today due to my plans once again coming off the rails. The first walk involved walking through the busy bus station, I then had a walk along the beach to take some photographs for Photo Tales, finally I walked home.

I know I should be proud of myself, but all I can think of is 'so what', 'I used to be able to this and more', 'other people would do the same and not even think about it'.

I am having to learn that the past has gone and that I have to look forward, but looking forward scares me, but I wont allow it to scare me to a standstill.

Hopes and Dreams

I must have been one of the few people today praying for a cloudy day, the reason for this is a migraine. This has meant me staying in my darkened room. The problem I have is that due to the medication I am already on there is nothing the doctor can give me for my migraines, another problem is the fact that my main trigger is tension, which goes hand in hand with the depression and anxiety.

For those of you who have never had a migraine, count yourself lucky. Imagine the worse headache you can, one that every time you move gets worse, combine this with hayfever and you can see it hasn't been a good day.

Another problem that has to be overcome is I've been ill since 1999, its been a large part of my life, I really want to be well but its scary. Life still feels so overwhelming, just thinking about the future, thinking about all the things that I am supposed to do and have to be so called normal makes me close to tears. I know somebody will be thinking 'well don't think about them', but that is so much easier said than done. I don't know why these thoughts scare me, even writing this now I am crying, perhaps because I am convinced that I will never have them, never have a normal life.I am not asking for much, I don't want to be famous, to earn millions, I just want a job, somewhere of my own to life, maybe a relationship, and to be able to travel like I did before my first breakdown.

Made it to week 2

The weather does help to lift my mood, plus it encourages me to try and get out a bit more. Despite yet another bad nights sleep I managed to get up and out this morning, even if it was just to the tip with a neighbour. Though it did mean getting out of my comfort zone as the tip was busy and I didn't know where I was supposed to put my rubbish.

Then it was on to terrorising the streets of Swansea as I continue to learn to drive. Now at the stage where I don't have to take my extra anxiety medication before a lesson, though I am still shaky once I have finished. The next challenge with my driving will be in 10 days as my instructor has already told me in that lesson we will be tackling roundabouts, when I was learning years ago roundabouts always managed to reduce me to near tears.

Dad convinced me today to go out for a meal, this is a big thing as I hate eating in public, because of my size I feel that people would be judging what I am eating. This isn't totally in my mind as a few years ago I read an article by a journalist who wore a fat suit to see if the treatment she received was different. She felt that she got better treatment when she was her normal size and that when she wore the fat suit she felt judged when she was eating out. I am slowly losing weight but unfortunately the depression makes me comfort eat, I try not to and have reduced it greatly but it still happens. I did enjoy the meal but did feel that I was making my choice of meal to be apparently healthy rather than what I would really like.

I know some people reading this will think that I shouldn't care what other people think but that is so much easier said than done. We all care what others think about us to some degree, unfortunately I think more about it than I should.

And on it goes

I have lost count of the number of people who have told me that I need to relax. This is so much easier said than done, especially when so much gets you uptight and anxious. Every time the phone rings, there's a knock at the door, or I have to leave my bedroom. The tension keeps being added to. The more I try to get back to a somewhat normal life the more tension, the more tension the more headaches and migraines which then makes it harder to keep going.

Issues surrounding mental health are slowly being talked about by the media, correction, issues surrounding depression are getting slightly more coverage by the media, but mental health issues cover so much more. To say someone is mentally ill is just the same as saying that someone is physically ill, it means nothing. There are so many different aspects of mental illness that are not spoken about. Its the prejudice that we face that often goes unreported, I have depression and social phobia due to chemical imbalance in my brain, this has also added to by environmental factors. If I had a similar chemical or genetic imbalance in my body which caused a cancer I would receive sympathy and understanding, not suspicion. I am not crazy, or dangerous, in fact the only person I have hurt is myself.

I managed to get out for a walk today, though not on my own as it was very busy but at least I got out, in the past I would have found an excuse not to.

Keeping Busy

Due to insomnia, at 2am I was busy putting some of my CDs into alphabetical order. One thing I have discovered is that when things are bad, no matter how I feel I need to do something. It can be difficult at times, if I wait to feel motivated it might never happen, instead I have learnt that I need to do something then I will start to feel motivated.

So despite feeling like I wanted to hide I didn't cancel my driving lesson, luckily my instructor had planned a quietish lesson today, and I even managed to cope with pedestrians crossing the road right in front of me.

One thing I have never fully understood is the description of depression as a black dog, I know the description is meant to illustrate that depression is always with us, but I have never found this description as any where approaching adequate.

To me depression is more like a fog or a blanket, that totally envelopes and covers you, reaching into all aspects of your life.

Self

One thing I have found about writing this blog is it is making me examine my reactions to situations. This morning when the door was knocked I found myself with rising anxiety as I went to open it, I hoped that it was just the postman and so wouldn't require me to talk to anyone. It was the postman, but by the time I closed the door I was shaking.

I can put a mask on and create an appearance of being able to cope whilst inside forget butterflies I manage to have a hurricane of emotions.

One of the worse things I have found with my depression is the fact that for no apparent reason I can find myself close to tears. This is something that despite the years of depression I find so hard.

I have always been someone who bottled up emotions finding it easier to do this than to deal with them, so suddenly finding myself fighting back the tears is something that is hard to cope with.

Another realisation I have come to recently is how much I hate myself, this finally came to a head after two sessions in Photo Tales on self portraits, I love my photography but after both of these sessions I came home and cried. Why I hate myself quite so much I don't know, probably due in part to the pressures I referred to in an early entry, but also in part due to past experiences. This hatred is re-enforced by the thoughts going round in my head all the time. I hope in time the thoughts will become quieter or at least take a day off.

Three steps forward, one back

The effort of the last three days has caught up with me. Really annoyed with myself as I wasn't able to do 2 of the 3 things I had planned today.

Just to add to my anxiety of being outside I have decided to increase it by learning to drive. The reason being that so many of the jobs in my area require a driving licence so to improve my chances of getting a job once I am ready I made the decision to learn to drive.

I've been lucky and found an instructor who I get on with and copes with my anxieties. This morning I had lesson 12 which involved plenty of roundabout, which when I previously tried to learn I hated, busy traffic and confusing lane layouts.

The plan for the rest of the day was supposed to be meeting a friend and then a soft furnishing class, but by the time I got home from my driving lesson I was so drained I could hardly hold a cup of tea.

Eight hours later I still feel totally drained and emotionally fragile. The worse is the annoyance I feel with myself, that I have let my friend down. Just the effort of drinking a cup of tea to drink is tiring.They say tomorrow is another day and a fresh start. But at the moment tomorrow seems a long way off.

The problem with a phobia is how much of your life it can affect. My social phobia even affects my going out into my back garden, because it is overlooked by other houses. So as well as trying to get comfortable going out of my front door I have to feel comfortable going into the garden, hence today's photo.

Part Two

One of the problems with mental health is you never know when something is going to get to you. I was listening to the radio last night when there was an item saying that you can't be single in your 30's and 40's and be happy. Yet another pressure to add to the list, so as well as worrying about how I look, I now have to worry about being single. Wherever I turn there seems to be pressure, I'm supposed to look a certain way, I should be in a relationship, I should be now in a career saving towards a pension and living in my own house.

I am overweight, single, unemployed and having to live at home.

I have heard that depression is the new backache. But contrary to the opinions of some I don't want to be ill, I don't want to burst into tears because a radio item made me feel as if there was yet another thing wrong with me. I want to work, I want to be able to travel once again. I don't want the thoughts that run through my head, to be feeling like a failure just because I can't cope with leaving my room. Everyday I feel like the world is judging me, but it can never be as harsh a judge as my mind is about me.

A step too far??

In order for me to be able to face the oncoming day I have to plan it out. I know where I have to go and how I'm getting there. This has become known as my railway tracks. The planning for today was dad walking with me into town where I would catch a bus for Create Solutions, I would walk from the bus stop on a route I've done plenty of times before. Then my boss would take me to Photo Tales. This afternoon would be spent going round galleries, most of which i had been too before. Then a short walk home which I had done before.As far as I was concerned it was a day which I could cope with.

Unfortunately it wasn't to be. My boss wasn't able to take me to Photo Tales, so I had to catch a bus and arrange with my Dad to walk me part of the way to Photo Tales. This might seem a big deal to the majority of people but when the world itself scares you anything that takes you out of your comfort zone, off the railway tracks takes a lot of inner something to cope with.

I then had time to get myself together before the first gallery - The National Waterfront Museum, this should be ok I thought as I've been there before and providing there isn't a school group tearing around I should be ok. But then came the second knock to my railway tracks, the foyer where one the exhibits that we planned to see was filled with stands, making the area very busy and noisy, two situations guaranteed to stress me.

But I have survived, even if I did breakdown in tears because of two photos I saw in one gallery, which my old friends will not believe, as I was always the one in the group who never cried. So I'm finally home having walked the final bit on my own, I am physically and mentally exhausted. Things that I once could do without a thought now scare me and I get annoyed with myself for letting normal everyday situations get to me.

It is difficult to explain to people who have never experienced the almost fear like state that noise and crowds can generate in me, then you get the vicious circle that the fear released adrenaline which heightens the senses and thereby makes the noises appear louder.

The day after the walk before

One thing that always catches me out is the physical side to my mental illness. It is something that rarely gets talked about, for me this physical side can be anything from headaches, migraines, tension causing pain in my neck shoulders and back and extreme tiredness, the type of tiredness where I feel that my limbs have been filled with a mix of lead and mercury.

This physical side has caught up with me today, after the tension I felt yesterday I woke up this morning feeling like I'd not slept and had been hit by something very heavy. It was so tempting to just say sod it and hide, but I had to get up as I had a dentist appointment to replace a crown. I'm writing this been there and come back home, most of the walk I did on my own, and also managed to get a few photos taken, feeling lousy but at the same time realising that I have achieved something. I know it might not appear to be a big thing, its not a gold at the Olympics but for me it was as great a challenge.

There is no theme to the pictures I take, they are of things that catch my eye as I try to get out more on my way back to some normality. But often they will be of things that people walk by every day without noticing at all.

Walk

Todays photo was taken during a challenging walk. It was a walk that the majority of people would do without thinking about it. I had to walk from my photography class to my hairdressers and then home, a walk of about 1/2 a mile, but doing it on my own made it feel much much longer.

Before I had my first breakdown I regularly travelled on my own in the UK and abroad, and thought nothing of staying in New York or San Francisco on my own. But now even the thought of going out into my own backyard can make me feel sick with anxiety. So today really was a challenge. So I set off from my photography class camera in hand and mp3 player on.

Along the first part of my walk I came across this......

I love the fact that so many people walk past this daily but if I showed them this image they would not be able to say where I took it.

As I managed to grab the wrong mp3 player this morning so had a limited choice of music, I put the two Foo Fighters tracks that I had with me on and was interested to hear the following lyrics.

'To whom it my concern
I think I lost my walk
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return.

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin.'

Its surprising what can help you cope and get through a challenge. I wont pretend it was easy today, but I did it, hopefully next time it wont be quite so hard to do

So it begins

The point of creating this blog is twofold.

First its to give me somewhere to share photographs that I have taken. The majority of photos will be taken as part of a challenge I have set myself to take at least one photo every day.

The second aim of this blog is to give me somewhere to record my journey towards recovery. All too often mental health issues are swept under the carpet, hidden out of site. I have been diagnosed with depression and social phobia, and have had 2 what were once called breakdowns. The last breakdown was in September 2011, so this blog will be a record of how I am going about recovering and getting myself into a position where I can look for a job. I hope this blog will remind me of how far I have come and maybe also help others who are going through similar issues.