Absolutely shattered day two

After the weekend and yesterday, going by past experience today should have been a write off. Instead I was awake before 8.30, and before midday had done all my activity schedule, this included a walk on my own and filling in a recovery plan. The walk was further than I had been recently on my own, and included going into a shop I hadn't been into before on my own and making a decision, dad had asked me to get something from another shop but they didn't have it so I decided to try elsewhere. This might not seem a big deal but when you live in fear of making a mistake making a decision without checking first is a big step.

Instead of going for a lie down this afternoon I worked on my photography, finishing the writing in portfolio one and starting the writing in portfolio two. I must admit to being totally shattered now, and getting aches and pains and being close to tears, but I think its because I'm so tired. So instead of doing what society expects this adult is going to bed, in all probability before my 5 year old nephew.

Tired

I'm really tired tonight a distinct lack of sleep last night. But instead of getting worked up I got up and did the jobs I had to then got three hours before I went to photography. Admittedly it was hard physically and mentally but I did it, I got four ticks on my activity schedule, the max, and not because there was only oner activity covering the four different areas.

Probably due to the tiredness and effort I put in today I know the depression is there, I have to keep saying that as long as its not as bad as Friday night I'll cope.

Wow

The title for this entry might be misleading but it sums up what I'm hoping is now coming to an end. The last few days my sleep has been worse than normal, this probably combined to add to the various issues that create the load that is my depression. All this has cumulated to create a crisis, one that was nearly as bad as any I have previously had. I spent all night crying despite having what should have been thought of as a positive day, this crying escalated till I no longer knew why I was fighting the depression. I have seen the quote on Facebook that not committing suicide is to give life a chance to get better, but this doesn't take into account the overwhelming feelings that things will never really get better.

I know I have been through several events like this one and have got through them but the feeling at the time was one that overwhelmed me that though I had recovered here I was again. In the past I thought of the impact that suicide would have on those around me, in the past this has helped but this time when I tried to think of that all I could think of was what about me, what reason is there for me that is related to my life and not to those around me, perhaps they would be better off without me in the end. Luckily for some reason I texted a couple of friends and when that didn't work I called the Samaritans. I thought this was a sign of my final weekends but the person I talked to tried to show me it was a sign of strength, and convinced me that as I still had some therapy to go I might as well live long enough to see if it can help. I still am fighting the almost overwhelming feelings that there is no point to my life but I am going to give it a go for a little longer.

Coincidence

If the Welsh rugby team hadn't won the six nations championship, then on the Monday after my dad wouldn't have bought the Western Mail and I wouldn't have read an article about the charity Hafal. Hafal work with people with serious mental illness helping them to lead a normal life.

Today I went to see them to see if I qualified and if they can help me. The good news being that they think they can, but were very surprised that no one had recommended me to go there sooner. I will be going there once a week in order to increase my social skills and to help me get out more. So this week will be spent filling in my recovery plan so we can plan the small steps to help me move forward.

Questions...

How do you let go? How do you stop caring someone who you thought was going to be in your life forever? How do you let go of all the hurt the world has thrown at you?

I've been holding onto some of the hurt so long I don't know who I will be without it, its like when you wrap your hand and hold onto something for so long that the release and letting go hurts more than the holding on. I want to be able to move on, I see people who have also been hurt move on with apparently more ease than me. I wish I knew the secret. I have tried again and again to let go of things but something happens and without knowing why I'm holding tight once again.

The hurt is from more than one person, some I manage on the whole to let go of like all the various bullies, but others I find for some reason I can't. I hate the term closure, it doesn't mean anything, I will never have closure on certain things and to wait for it is to wait in vain. Instead I am looking for release of some sort, release from the grip these hurts are having on my life, release from the hatred they are causing me to have about myself.

Nobodies fault

One of the lessons I am having to learn is if something goes wrong its not always my fault. After having the teeth removed last week, despite following the instructions given, I got an infection in my mouth. As soon as this happened I blamed myself and started looking at what else I should have done to prevent it from happening. With the pain being bad yesterday I went back to my dentist and was told that it often happens no matter what precautions you take.

If someone drops something I'll blame myself and my mind will find, what is to me, a logical reason why its my fault. I know this is something I have to question.

Hopefully if the tablets keep working as well as they have today I should be feeling we'll enough tomorrow afternoon to finish work on my first photography portfolio, the aim being to complete the other portfolio by next Monday so I can hand them in a week early. I have most of the photos I need, though to complete I do need a visit to Cwmdonkin Park and Singleton Park. So once again photography is making me question and push my comfort boundaries.

Geting Out

I woke this morning feeling like someone had punched me several times around the head, this I know is a result of having two teeth removed on the same side of my mouth and the tension and anxiety that it caused.

Previous this would have meant a day of painkillers and naps. Instead due to the nice photography weather I managed to get up and dressed and go out, though only briefly to get some photos of the Guildhall clock for a montage I want to create. Admittedly I didn't gett up till the afternoon but I did get up and go out despite not feeling 100%, I am gradually learning if I wait till I feel 100% I wont go out.

Another achievement for me today was to do some baking, I used to bake regularly but lost all confidence in myself. I know I could do it but something in my head is so scared of making mistakes it was easier not to bake as I was getting so worked up about it. So today I turned to a well loved recipe that I knew wasn't too difficult as I try and get my confidence back.

Ouch

I had to go to the dentist today as two crowns had come out, unfortunately I had to have the two teeth removed. Because it wasn't my normal dentist he checked my health, when I mentioned my mental illness he asked if I suffered from dry mouth, this is a side effect of my medication. It turns out that I should have been told to use sugar free gum and to also used a high fluoride mouthwash. I have had this problem with a dry mouth for years and have mentioned it to several doctors and dentists but no one had told me it might cause a problem for my teeth. Like so much with my health care it is a case of piecemeal approach and lucky remarks.

So that was not a good early start to the day. It continued as I thought I had an appointment for therapy and went into town only to discover that she was on holiday. On the plus side I did a bit of walking in town on my own, without wearing my baseball cap or listening to my ipod. This in itself brought its own reward as I picked up a great book for my dinosaur loving nephew in a charity shop and picked up the first season dvds of a tv programme for next to nothing.

The other advantage is earning a gold star. I have discovered that I am goal orientated, and like regime. So if I go out and help with some housework, as well as doing so other things such as getting up and dressed, I get a gold star. After a certain number of gold stars I can buy myself something special such as a graphic novel.

Back to photography

Despite all the hurdles that my body tried to throw in my way today I made it to photography. Some of the hurdles include a headache and feeling very sick just before I went to class.

I'm glad I went as I knew if I didn't that that would be the end of it for me, as I missed several classes before the easter break and the more I missed the harder it would be to go again. I did wear my baseball cap, but  not as a safety device but because I really need a haircut. To make up for the fact that I was wearing my baseball cap I didn't listen to my mp3 player on the way home, a first for me. I really hated doing it but was glad that I had managed to achieve something else.

The next two weeks are going to be photography packed as I try and get out to take the photos I need and when at home I work on editing the photos as my two  portfolios are due in in the next couple of weeks.

Down but not out

I wasn't able to make my appointment today, it was down to the bug I've been keeping company with in this past week, not because I chickened out. One positive step was that I made the phone call to cancel my appointment, a major step forward for me as I really dread using the phone, I had problems using the phone before I had social phobia, due in part to slight deafness, so the combination of the two has made using the phone a real problem.

Previously not being able to do what I had planned was a trigger for my depression, and I am a little down but nowhere as bad as I have been, I am telling myself over and over its the bug, which isn't my fault, plus I have done the few things that I could manage.

Bug not stopping me

Been up all night coughing, decided at one point that as I wasn't going to sleep I would get something done from my activity schedule. This help to stop my mood going down.

In the past I would have spent today in bed, but already today I have help with some housework, and done something which for me left me breathless and sweating, I made a phone call to a place/person I had never called before, which resulted in me making an appointment to leave the house and meet someone.

Small achievement

In the past after a day like yesterday it could be over a week before I could do anything else, this would be due to a combination of issues, aching muscles, headache from tension and anxiety for being out, and depression for feeling it had beaten me. I won't say I'm 100% probably not helped by the bug I have, along with the lack of sleep.

I have realised that no matter how well I think I am progressing I need to be doing the activity scheduling, and to show what an improvement I'm making I managed to do 1 1/3 of the four activities I had planned for today. This might not seem much but as I said in my previous paragraph compared to the past it is an improvement.

Please return my lungs

I hadn't realised how unfit I have got. I went out today, for the longest period without my hat. Another reason this was an achievement was I had had less than 1 hours sleep, but I refused to use that as an excuse.

Dad and I caught the bus to Bracelet bay, the plan being to go down the beach and then walk back to Oystermouth to enable me to take some photos. I spent some time clambering over the rocks and pebbles and managed to get a few shots, the problem came as I walked back to the road, trying to walk up a beach cover in pebbles became physically taxing, apparently by the time I made it to the road I was bright red, and dad was expecting me to want to catch the bus straight away. Instead I continued on my planned walk, though it was touch and go after we stopped for a drink as the place was extremely busy with plenty of kids running around and shouting.

I am absolutely shattered now, and do wonder when my lungs will stop aching.