I want to be well, I want to get a job, but the system is not helping me. About two years ago my psychiatrist told me that the main thing now that I needed for my recovery was for me to have psychological counselling. He has written on two separate occasions to the relevant department stating that it was a priority that I received this. I am still waiting, with no idea when I will receive the much needed treatment. I was due this week to attend a review of what the psychological department can do to aid my recovery, but it has been delayed for a month. Though I know when I do attend I will be told that I have to continue waiting for the treatment I need.
If I was suffering from a physical condition that limited my ability to work, and my consultant had stated that I required a certain treatment in order to recover, there would be protests for having to wait this long with no idea of how much longer. But as this is a treatment for a mental illness it seems to be ok that waiting lists for essential treatment is over two years. I have now been ill for 12 years and it is only in the last few years that I have received any real help.
I have attended all the group therapy courses they recommend, I have done the graded therapy, I have pushed myself as far as I can but I need help and I am so frustrated that as long as I don't cause a problem then I continue to be lost within the system.
It probably doesn't help when I am having such a bad day, spent the day fighting back the tears, and not always winning, and fighting the thoughts of cutting my arms. Part of me thinks if I cut my arms enough I might get the help I have been waiting so long for. These are a few of the thoughts going through my head at the moment. I almost didn't write this blog today due to the anger, frustration and depression but in the end I hoped that by sharing it might make the feelings slightly less.
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