First Cut

It's hard to explain to people about self harm and the impulses that drive people to do it. Hard to explain that no matter how hard you try to distract yourself, the thoughts of harming yourself still flood the mind.

Doesn't matter how much I try to distract myself with my favourite film, tv programme, book or even comic the thought of cutting my arms or hitting my head overwhelm me.

When I close my eyes I can see myself cutting my arm, hoping to achieve some release of whatever is building up inside me. On the occasions that I have given in then for a short while the thoughts quieten down.

No idea why my mind goes this way, what release it is looking for. Perhaps a way of letting the self loathing out.

Over the last 48 hours I have had to fight these impulses, luckily they are dying down and only pop into my head a few times an hour, but it has left me feeling mentally exhausted.