Slowly slowly

There is no photograph with this blog today for two reasons, first I am getting to grips with a new, to me, laptop, and for the last few days I have a bug. This latest bug has left me aching all over and extremely tired, this combined with the depression means that even walking a few steps is leaving me struggling for breath.

It has also meant that following my new structure has been difficult though I have done as much as I can in order to try and keep on top of the depression. Important that I give myself time to recover but don't use it as an excuse to hide away once I am better.

Keep on

Had a really bad weekend for a variety of reasons, hit a low point and started to wonder if this time I wouldn't recover. I know that I do recover, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and its not the light of an oncoming train. But despite this when I am in the midst of the depression it does not feel like I will recover.

As a result of the depression I feel like all my energy has been taken and my joints ache with fatigue. The depression also affects my sleep, despite only getting 2 1/2 hours sleep I went into Big Picture today, thought was strange as no one else did, but I didn't turn around and come straight home I stayed till lunch. So despite have reasons to not go I went, then was given a reason to leave straight away but stayed, so all in all things maybe looking slightly on the up.

Degrees of Pain

I find it interesting that as a regular sufferer of migraines the worse pain for me is my current ear ache, in both ears, I am used to the migraines and know how they are, but ear infections are not something I get every few weeks. So currently feeling lousy and sorry for myself. But I have still manages to get up and do a couple of jobs, with the hope that a bit of activity will keep the depression at bay.

Questions.

I have had depression a large part of my life and still I don't fully understand it. Why, for example, when I had such a good day do I end it in tears, nothing triggered it suddenly found myself last night crying and unable to sleep, with the result that at 3am I was tidying my bedroom.

Had a busy day today, for me, and even managed to pluck up the courage to book my driving theory exam. Have decided to try a new system to try and get me active. I have created  daily checklists of tasks that I need to do, such as take tablets, go for a walk or wii exercises. This list also includes things such as wash and dress and take tablets, this is because with depression sometimes you can forget to do the obvious or just can't summon up the energy to do so. I hope that by having to do a number of things each day and then tick them off it will give me structure to my days and help to begin to regulate my mood a little more.

Busy day

There is a very good reason why there is no photo with today's blog, I am currently writing this in bed and do not have the strength or the energy to go downstairs to get my camera. I do have a very good reason for being so tired, I have had, for me, a very busy day.

I started the day with camera club and a trip to Cwmdonkin park, this was quickly followed by a trip to the dentist, both events I walked to on my own. Then this evening I had a driving lesson and a new manoeuvre to learn.

I'm pleased with myself for what I have accomplished today but currently I ache all over and can feel my head going round and round at top speed, so the plan is to curl up and watch some Animaniacs and relax

Justification

In yesterdays blog I wrote about my own experiences with mental health care. This morning listening to the news I heard about a recently published report which backs my personal experiences up. It feel good to not be the only one going through this struggle with the system, but on the other hand no one should have to go through this, no one should have to be in the place I was yesterday when cutting myself seemed like a viable choice.

'Three out of four people with mental illness in the UK are receiving no treatment, experts have said in a new report.

The report, published by the London School of Economics (LSE), says the lack of treatment for people suffering from mental health problems is the most "glaring case of health inequality" in Britain.

Among people under the age of 65, mental illness now accounts for nearly half of all ill health suffered by people in Britain and is generally more debilitating than most chronic physical diseases, the report published on Monday concluded.

Effective psychological therapies exist but are not widely available and only a quarter of sufferers are receiving treatment, the report by the LSE's Mental Health Policy Group found.'

August this year will be the thirteenth year anniversary of my first breakdown, from this date due to the depression, but mainly due to the social phobia and general anxiety disorder I have been unable to work. During this time I have also managed to graduate, having gained a Masters with distinction. This proves my brain still works, but do to the lack of treatment and help from the system I am unable to work and thus remain on benefits. If I was to gain the much needed treatment my aim would be to get a job and thus become a productive member of society, as the current government would state.

In the mean time I muddle along, some days giving in a little too easily and some days pushing myself a little too hard. 

The hopeless system

I want to be well, I want to get a job, but the system is not helping me. About two years ago my psychiatrist told me that the main thing now that I needed for my recovery was for me to have psychological counselling. He has written on two separate occasions to the relevant department stating that it was a priority that I received this. I am still waiting, with no idea when I will receive the much needed treatment. I was due this week to attend a review of what the psychological department can do to aid my recovery, but it has been delayed for a month. Though I know when I do attend I will be told that I have to continue waiting for the treatment I need.

If I was suffering from a physical condition that limited my ability to work, and my consultant had stated that I required a certain treatment in order to recover, there would be protests for having to wait this long with no idea of how much longer. But as this is a treatment for a mental illness it seems to be ok that waiting lists for essential treatment is over two years. I have now been ill for 12 years and it is only in the last few years that I have received any real help.

I have attended all the group therapy courses they recommend, I have done the graded therapy, I have pushed myself as far as I can but I need help and I am so frustrated that as long as I don't cause a problem then I continue to be lost within the system.

It probably doesn't help when I am having such a bad day, spent the day fighting back the tears, and not always winning, and fighting the thoughts of cutting my arms. Part of me thinks if I cut my arms enough I might get the help I have been waiting so long for. These are a few of the thoughts going through my head at the moment. I almost didn't write this blog today due to the anger, frustration and depression but in the end I hoped that by sharing it might make the feelings slightly less.

Keep on going

No photograph today for the very good reason that with a bad migraine I wasn't sure what I was trying to photograph was real or an illusion caused by the migraine.

Its funny when I went to sleep last night I had today planned out. I wasn't going to let the depression get the best of me, then when I woke I had no choice in the matter as every time I moved, even just slightly, I felt as if my head would explode. When things like this happen its then a fight to stave off the depression, which looks for any excuse no matter how small to get a toe hold back on my mind.

The one good thing is that today there have been very few of the self harm thoughts, so a slight positive.

First Cut

It's hard to explain to people about self harm and the impulses that drive people to do it. Hard to explain that no matter how hard you try to distract yourself, the thoughts of harming yourself still flood the mind.

Doesn't matter how much I try to distract myself with my favourite film, tv programme, book or even comic the thought of cutting my arms or hitting my head overwhelm me.

When I close my eyes I can see myself cutting my arm, hoping to achieve some release of whatever is building up inside me. On the occasions that I have given in then for a short while the thoughts quieten down.

No idea why my mind goes this way, what release it is looking for. Perhaps a way of letting the self loathing out.

Over the last 48 hours I have had to fight these impulses, luckily they are dying down and only pop into my head a few times an hour, but it has left me feeling mentally exhausted.

Wisdom of The Muppets

I don't know whether its a sign that I am getting worse or that I need to get out more but the other night I found myself taking advice from the latest Muppet movie.

'You always believe in other people, but that's easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too'

Belief in myself is very hard for me, other people can tell me that I can do it, but in the end my head tells me that they are just being nice and trying to support me.

As I have said in an earlier blog its some of the things that most people do without thinking that I sometimes struggle with, so I'm allowing myself to be pleased as this afternoon when there was a ring on the front door bell I opened the door even though my Dad wasn't that far away.

Always coming out

One of the main issues with being gay is coming out,this is not a once in a life time occasion, once you are out it is something you have to do again and again. You have to come out to family and friends, then do you come out to work colleagues and doctors the list never ends, every time someone asks about your partner you have to make the decision on whether to out yourself and tell the truth or hide it.

It never really gets easier, each time you come out you take the risk of someone else's prejudices. You never know how other people will react. 

Physical affects the Mental

There was no blog yesterday and I am struggling today due to a stomach bug. All to often the physical body can impact upon the mind, mentally this last week I've been ok, coping, but with this bug I have started to feel down. When I have migraines I know how long they are going to last within a day or so, but when I get a random bug I don't know how long it will last or what effect it will have on me.

Its the unknown, in all aspects of my life that I have problems accepting, unlike when I conduct an experiment life isn't a case of do a and b and the result will be c, in life add a and b and the result could be w,e ,g,y,r,u, or even 123459675.

Recovery

The thing with recovery is that it doesn't always got he way you want it to. This is one of the hardest thing to accept, it isn't as easy as saying if I do this then that the result will be recovery. Unlike something like a sprained ankle, which if I rest and put ice on, will soon recover, the brain is far more complicated. I could do the same thing twice with identical conditions but I will react differently each time.

When children are growing up we try to teach them 'sticks and stones will break my bones, but words can never harm me'. But this is a load of nonsense. I was severely bullied in school for several years, it took the form of mental bully, if it had been physical bullying I could of dealt with it, but mental bullying I was not able to cope with.

All too often when we talk about child abuse we think of sexual or physical abuse, but emotional abuse can be just as damaging, and have just as great an impact upon the child. It is important that we realise the strength of language and the ability words do have to hurt and injury.

'Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can tear your heart out.'

What is a step?

Each step in a new direction is a first step.

Really drained today and wish I could have spent the day in bed, but I managed to get up and half face the world. Days like today are the hardest to cope with, having to deal with the extreme tiredness. I was listening to a radio programme recently about ME and when I heard the description of the symptoms I thought how familiar they sounded, the programme was about people who have ME disliking the fact that doctors are beginning to believe that it is a mental rather than a physical condition, they believe this belittled their problems. But this isn't the case, just because something is a mental problem doesn't make it any less an issue.

It is good that I am beginning to hear more on the radio about different mental health illnesses, not just depression, today Radio 5 did a very interesting item on anxiety, General Anxiety Disorder, saying how it is so much more than simple shyness, it is interesting when they read out a list of possible symptoms and I think good job I wasn't playing a drinking game to those as I would be absolutely drunk. It is important that people realise that mental health can impact on so many different aspects of our lives.

Glass half full

After the effort I made last night I was expecting to wake up this morning with a migraine and the depression. So was pleasantly surprised when I only had a migraine. For me this is a large step in the right direction.

All to often we think of achievements as big things, completing a marathon, swimming the channel, climbing the mountain. But for so many people things that the majority of the population might do, without really thinking about, can be huge challenges. For me that can be as simple to many as walking out of my front door, or picking up a ringing phone. It is important that we realise these challenges, including those for who the smallest thing can be an effort. For I can be as guilty as the next person of saying something is nothing when someone tries to compliment me on an achievement, for in my head there is a voice telling me 'well you used to be able to do this so no big deal' or 'most people can do it so why the fuss'. The voice last night was saying 'well you performed in a packed Albert Hall' and 'You've given talks to large crowds', but I managed to ignore slightly for once this voice and said that that was then this is now.

A Step in the right direction

Well I did it, I attended the preview night of Photo Tales group 2 exhibition. Despite being in a room full of people and my forehead doing an impression of a waterfall, I stayed for an hour and actually talked to people, and not just people I knew.

I managed to walk half way home on my own and then dad met me as I was shaking and was beginning to have trouble with my vision. But I'm thinking positively, back in January I would not have been able to attend this evening let alone talk to people.

For anyone in Swansea until the 15th June pop into the Grand Theatre and visit the exhibition in the White Room. See the photos and read some of the stories behind them, and discover photography has to not only given a voice to a section of the population that not only society doesn't think is worth listening to but the people concerned all too often do not believe they have anything worth saying, the photos we have taken and show here show that both statements are wrong.

Backwards isn't always negative

Whenever you ask for or are given advice it will be full of clichés. One of the more common ones is 'don't look back, keep going forwards'. But one conclusion I have reached recently is that by never looking back you might miss an opportunity. By doing something that many might consider a backwards step I have been able to deal with something that I believe was really holding me back, in more ways than one.

It was something that was making me more anxious than usual about leaving the house, as well as affecting other aspects of my life. I do not know where this backwards step will take me, but no matter where I end up I know that all being well I will be stronger, and have a better death grip on the depression than I did previously.

Changes

Its funny how things can change and do so quickly, yesterday I had bad toothache and wasn't looking forward to today and tomorrow being spent in pain till I could contact my dentist. But today the pain has gradually eased.

Similar things sometimes happen with my depression, just when I think things are at their worse and am wondering why I continue to fight, and then I turn and can once again see the light at the end of the darkness.  I have had this happen before but it can be hard to remember when I  am surrounded by the darkness of the depression with the added layer of confusion from the anxieties.

I am trying to help someone with depression come to terms with it and as a result I have come to realise several  things about myself. That I can only live my life and that I have to live it for myself. I am not talking about becoming selfish but instead of being concerned with myself, and to stop making decisions based on what I think other people are going to think about me.

My Life My Mistakes

I am not a big collector of quotes, I mean that I am not one of those people who read a book with a notebook and pen at hand ready to jot down any sentence that catches my eye. But once in a blue moon I read something that really connects with me on some level. To me it doesn't matter if the sentence is obvious or might be considered clichéd by others, only that on some level I can relate to it and that I feel that it can help me.

Last night I came across two such sentences that I felt a need to record.

'there's only one thing that you can be in life, yourself.'

'life is too short to allow fear to get in the way' 

Obvious maybe, clichéd perhaps, but I don't care, they have reached me and speak to me.

 

Life is too short for me to allow fears to stop me from living my life, I am not talking about abseiling or climbing mountains, I'm talking about not allowing fear to stop me from leaving the house. As for being myself I am finally getting to the stage where I am realising that I am the only person who can life my life, I may make decisions that my friends and family think are mistakes but they are my mistakes to make.

Today's Blog

Yesterday's blog went missing because I have a guest staying over the weekend and so time got away from me.

Today I am definitely feeling the effects of recent anxieties and depression, and would have stayed in bed all day given the chance, not hiding but recharging my batteries. The issues that have caused the depression and anxiety are not dealt with but they are in a situation where no matter which way events take a turn I think I can cope with them.