Continue Despite Tears

Been crying on and off since last night, crying so hard at points that I started to shake. I know what triggered it but just don't know how to stop feeling like this. With a result of this everything feels like its conspiring against me. I wanted to print a few pieces out for my A level coursework but for a good half hour my printer wouldn't work and I couldn't see why, I managed to fix it just before I threw it across the room.

All I want to do is hide away from the world, instead I got up earlier than normal and have got on with things, college work, housework and baking. Being busy hasn't stopped the tears but who knows the state I would be in if I hadn't been. It gets frustrating when I am no longer hiding, I am doing my therapy, keeping busy, but still feel awful.

Time and time again people in the medical profession tell me I am doing things right, but if this is the case why am I writing this with tears rolling down my face. At this moment in time I want two things someone to tell me when this will end,, and someone to put their arms round me and tell me they will help me get through this.

Beyond Tired

Sunday night I managed not to hide away when a visitor came to the house, which in the past I have done.

Today I have had to really push myself. I had group therapy this morning, Which due to the issues others were bringing up was a very hard session especially for some of the thoughts it triggered in my head.

This afternoon in the past I would have gone for a nap, but instead I decided to tackle a project which involves making patterns before I can do the sewing.

I believe if I hadn't been busy this afternoon I would not have made it to photography this evening.

But I made it to photography and whilst the others went out to take photos in and around Singleton Park I stayed on my own going  between the studio and dark room.

At home and I am beyond shattered as I have had to dig deep physically and mentally. But I am trying hard to hang on to the fact that I did accomplish stuff today.

Still Trying

My plan to try and do something even if I am feeling bad continues. Had a really bad night, but today I have managed to leave the house, including at one point going into a local charity shop on my own whilst Dad had to go off to another shop a small distance away. I then cooked tea, which was nice despite not turning out quite how I hoped, then this evening I baked a chocolate courgette cake. Baking to me is very muched linked with my confidence so to bake when I'm not 100% is a positive step forward.

Trying

Despite feeling rough mentally and physically, I managed to make two loaves of bread. I am trying hard on bad days to do something, anything. Anything to try and suppress the depression. I can still feel it bubbling under, for the last two weeks I have been crying myself to sleep, I have no idea why, what is causing this latest bout. It is causing my insomnia to be really bad and to cause migraines. But I am not allowing it to beat me completely, hence the plan to day something small everyday.

Others

One of my current wishes for my recovery is for me to stop worrying about what other people think of me and my decisions. I know that I don't live in a bubble, so my decisions can impact upon others, those aren't the things I'm talking about.

I am well aware of things that I am not doing, that I know others would not hesitate to do, because I have become paralysed by the thought of what others will think. I know that if my friends are true friends then it shouldn't matter, but I am so scared, it is a true fear, that I have become paralysed to do nothing. This is also linked with my fear of making a mistake. This fear hit hard in my photography class last week when my experiments in pinhole photography and photographic paper didn't appear to be working, despite encouragement from my lecturer I came so close to giving up.

I know I am going to struggle with changing this thought process of wanting to please, and fear of the perception of doing something wrong. But I also know that I have to do this in order to have the opportunity to move on.

A Little Bit of History Repeating Itself

Well my Mother has done it again, emailed me about something and not enquired how I am or what I am doing. Its hard when your own mother seems to play so little interest in you, whenever I email her I do ask how she is etc. I am trying to deal with this apparent indifference from her but I still find it hard, especially when I am struggling to deal with other things. Crying myself to sleep continues I wish I knew the causes so that at least I could try and do something about it.

I have been trying especially hard this week, I have been to therapy and stayed in my photography class despite things not working with my pinhole camera. I have also been out several times, and have been better at noticing when things need doing around the house, this is a really positive sign for me because normally I am so wrapped up in the idea of hiding and the fear of getting something wrong that I don't normally notice.

Achievement

Its been a tough day, despite a lack of sleep and a headache I went to therapy this morning. It was a hard session once again. Then this evening I went to my photography class, it was hard going as I was using a pinhole camera I built and using photographic paper. I felt really frustrated that despite working hard for 3 hours all I produced was one under exposed negative. At one point I felt so frustrated that I almost left my stuff and ran home. I did stay, and will be going back next week to have another go.

Now back at home I am absolutely shattered, I ache from head to foot, and I am close to tears but I am glad I managed to achieve what I did.

Cutting times

The last three days I've been fighting a losing battle against my head. I have been crying most of the time and not even a comic by my favourite author or a Dr Who trailer has been able to raise any enthusiasm. Things got so bad last night, my head was so anxious for release, that despite not having access to a blade/knife I managed to use nail clippers to scratch my arm and stomach, I scratched my arm for release and my stomach was an expression of hatred of myself.

Today despite the continuing thoughts to damage myself further I have so far resisted temptation but the need to do it is growing along with the tears in my eyes. Stupid things can set me off, everything is totally personal. I was hoping to see someone tonight but for various reasons can't, instantly my head starts on at me that they don't want to see me, they want to avoid me when I'm like this, as a result the urge to cut grows and grows, but I really really don't want to give into it. Part of me wonders if I should post this entry tonight, whether this is an entry too far, but cutting is part of my illness and if I don't write about it, then this blog is not the true reflection of my journey that I want it to be.

It might sound silly for me to try and be positive while I feel like this but if I don't I know I will hurt myself. I haven't hidden away in bed today. I have gotten up and I have done stuff such as baking a loaf of bread, and making a batch of date slices.

Continuing

I had to decide whether I was going to continue my blog, this was due to someone strongly objecting to something I wrote. In the end I decided that I don't use names so it is difficult to identify people. Due to the method of her objection and the language used it made me question not only my blog but my life. In the end I decided that this blog helps me in some small way and thats all that counts. I could write more about the situation especially as the starements made and language used not only hurt but triggered my depression but Im not ready to put it here.

Been a busy day today,for me, involved not only helping with housework, going into a printers on my own and cooking a completely new recipe. I know being busy should help my depression but I am struggling a lot tonight, probably making worse because I think I should be feeling better because of what I've achieved today.