Still fighting

Having to fight hard tonight once again against my own head. Having to fight to smother and eventually ignore the thoughts of hurting myself, since the latest part of my diagnosis I understand why I have these thoughts, but understanding them doesn't prevent them fro happening or make them easier to deal with.

I know at least three reasons for this latest bout of self harm thoughts, which stem from a combination off my own self hatred and my minds need for a release from my thoughts. One cause is having to start to accept that my own mother doesn't care about me, if she doesn't care why should anyone else care. The other reasons come down to issues of trust, in one case where the not so little voice in my head is saying someone is avoiding me, the other case where someone hasn't believed me when I was I'll with a throat infection. This lack of trust and lack of caring from someone society hammers on and on that they should care, has resulted in my self hatred getting out of control. I am trying to fight the thoughts and have tried to occupy myself. The fight goes on.

Aarrrggghhhh

I was meant to be meeting my mother today to return her dog who we have been looking after since Friday, due to a really bad headache I couldn't make it. I spent the morning trying to call her landline and mobile phone as well as sending texts saying I couldn't make it, I didn't get hold of her making me feel really sick an anxious. Dad made me stay at home when he took the dog back. When he got home the first thing he said was he was glad I didn't go as my mother wasn't waiting where we had arranged. If I had gone I would have been in the place we arranged getting more and more anxious as time passed.

For some reason no matter how often I try and explain my mother doesn't accept or understand my social phobia. In the past I offered to meet at the Civic centre as I can get there on my own, her response was to say meet her in Waterstones in the centre of town on a Saturday. Social phobia is really easy I hate people, I really hate new situations, if you want to meet allow me to choose somewhere I feel relatively comfortable, I can cope with gigs as I hide in the dark by the back wall, but a room even with less people than at a gig which I feel/believe people can see me freaks me out.

Hard call

My dad and I are currently looking after my mothers dog mainly as a favour for my brother. My mother spoke to me on the phone tonight to arrange meeting to collect her dog, but not once did she ask how I was or what I was up to. So often we are bombarded with images of mother love, so when I don't get it I feel like its something that I've done wrong. I wish I could stop blaming myself for things that aren't my fault.

Bottling

I wish I could stop bottling stuff up. I wish I wasn't scared of disagreement/arguement. People make comments and instead of saying how the comments make me feel or giving my response I try to ignore but end up taking it on board and adding to the stuff I am bottling up. I have bottled stuff up inside for years but recently it has got worse. I know if I am to have a normal life I need to deal with this but like so many things I do not know how.

Struggled but achieved

Despite taking my prescribed sleeping tablet I failed to sleep last night. This lead to a bad tension headache so I missed therapy. But I did manage to make it to photography class, though I did feel like hiding or leaving early. I did stay it helps that both my lecturer and class mates are such lovely people. Trying hard now to find my confidence to do some film pinhole photography. I have the kit but as the film paper needs handling with care as it needs to remain in the dark before being used and then developed, for some reason I have it in my head it will all be a disaster and a waste of time and money even though I have no evidence to support these thoughts.

Increased understanding

Saw my psychiatrist this morning, he's really please with what I have achieved as far as the social phobia goes. He was surprised that I can now go into the garden , most times, without it triggering anxiety.

He wants me to try taking a sleeping tablet for a few weeks to try and get my sleeping into a pattern, he said that Drs don't like prescribing sleeping tablets as they just treat symptoms and not the cause, but he believes that if we can sort my sleep out my depression might improve slightly.

Its interesting talking with him as he never talks down to me, I told him about not eating chocolate late at night as its a stimulant, also no caffeinated drinks after 5 pm, he told that he automatically assumed that I would be doing what I could to help myself. We also discussed the fairly recent increase in thoughts of getting my wrists. I knew these thoughts felt very different to the thoughts when I want harm myself, he believes these thoughts are my minds way of expressing its need for release. He believes that this is due to me having some border personality disorder, which also explains my self loathing.

Instead of coming straight home Dad and I did some shopping ending up at the big marina Tescos. When dad went shopping in Tescos I waited in the cafe, having first ordered a drink, a huge step forward as in the past dad would have had to have got me the drink first. So my progress continues.

Two sides

I am fascinated that my brain can be both logical and illogical at the same time. Because the depression has been bad the overwhelming feeling of cutting my arms has returned, no matter what I am doing the idea remains of cutting my wrists, whether to end it all or to release the depression I'm not sure. At the same time I'm fascinated where these thoughts come from and how they relate to the depression, what ate the processes that are occurring to cause these thoughts as they haven't been present all the time I've had depression.

I am having also to learn to manage expectations. There are several things I want out of life and its important to learn to accept that some I my never have whilst others will take time. I have a fixation that the media fuels that its too late, that I'm too old. People/friends tell me I'm not but my minds thinks that they are just being nice. I will probably now never own my own home, but why in the UK do we place such a stigma on renting. My dream job of working overseas will probably not happen, but I can still get a good job. And for someone so logical and practical I am a romantic, the idea of surprises, and time together can still happen. With learning to manage expectations and learning patience will hopefully come some peace of mind.

Keeping going

Its been hard this week due to the after effects of Tuesday. Physically its a tough day as well as being long. I also have to deal with the effects of the group which last all week long as I try and process various things about the group. The hardest thing for me to deal with was what was probably a throwaway remark by someone in the group. It was a positive remark but it set off stuff thats in my head that somehow I have to find a way to deal with and to hopefully one day manage to leave behind me.

When for three days you've had a migraine it is tempting to stop doing the thing that caused it. But I'm not going to do that. I know I have to keep going to therapy and I know that for a while I might have a few rough days afterwards, but the more I go the easier it will become.

Didn't walk out

I had a struggle tonight in photography class, I almost packed my bag and walked out. Nothing happened in class to make me feel like this, just an overwhelming urge to get out and hide somewhere and cry. Despite being with several people I consider friends I felt overwhelmingly alone. Unfortunately despite doing some interesting work, I feel unbearably low, I had to fight back tears as I walked home and the moment I got through the door I started crying. Not even watching Morecombe and Wise has got me to stop.