Tipsy

Due to a lovely migraine I have spent the last 2 days feeling like I'm drunk, not a pleasant sensation. Really pleased with myself for despite anxiety attacks, which came out of the blue, on Monday I made it to photography and even managed on several occasions to open my mouth and say something. Though I have come to realise that I have to be careful as anxiety attacks seem to leave me feeling edgy and close to being short tempered, especially when people talk in class when the lecturer is talking, and then ask him a question about something he has just covered, which if they had listened they would know, there we are my venting for the evening.

I am coming to the realisation how much our interactions with others can impact upon future interactions with different people, things that happen can colour future interactions with people who had nothing to do with the previous interaction. I have to learn again how to keep things in balance and not allow bad events to totally colour bad all future interactions.

I am also pleased with myself that when I needed help with something on Monday I asked someone who I knew might be able to help, whereas in the past I wouldn't have wanted to bother anyone. The recovery from this social fear/phobia is going to take time, but finally I can see that it is heading in the right direction.

Todays photo was taken about 20 years ago in Nigeria.

Normal service not resumed

Today has been a bit of a struggle, the depression is just bubbling under, but I have managed to keep it there, which is a very positive thing. But been feeling really drained, though on the positive side I managed to do my driving lesson and managed to avoid crashing despite the best attempts of some drivers who seemed not to notice a purple car with a big sign on the roof.

Its days like this and yesterday, the way I coped with the abuse shouted, I need to dwell on rather than the bad days. The recovery continues. This in part due to  a friend suggesting that I give a relaxation technique called Mindfulness a try, I found some podcasts by the Mental Health Foundation that work through some mindfulness sessions which I have started practising and this has really helped.

Brain Transplant

I think someone has stolen my brain, I say this because today on my way home the dentist I had some abuse about my size shouted at me, I know it was to me because I was the only person in the street and the woman turned around in her passenger seat and looked directly at me. In the past abuse like that  would have got to me, but today I was slightly angry that someone thought they could do that to me, and then I began to think how stupid that woman looked as she shouted at a perfect stranger. I posted it on facebook as I do genuinely wonder why some people do shout abuse at strangers, and the replies I got just went to boast my thoughts that I should try and ignore people like that.

Onwards and Upwards

I have managed to do more in the last 2 days than I managed all of last week. Quiet pleased with myself as despite making a few mistakes in my driving lesson today I didn't let it get to me too much.

Also pleased that despite not losing as much weight as I had hoped I didn't resort to comfort eating, the nurse seemed pleased with my progress. Its really strange because when I measured myself I had definitely lost cm's. The aim now is to gradually increase my activity levels, so more reason to go to photography on Monday and Wednesday as the walk there and back is just under 1 mile, and my target to start with is to walk 6 miles a week minimum.

Hope tomorrow afternoon to organise my photographs so that I can start posting them here again.

Fighting on... I Think

The last 6 weeks have been particularly bad, but I think and hope I have finally reached bottom and that I am slowly on the way back, it wont be plain sailing I know from past experience that it wont be all upwards, but at least I can hope that it will be predominantly in the right direction.

Managed to go to photography tonight and walked home on my own, tomorrow have to go to the doctors to be weighed which I am not looking forward to, then in the afternoon I have a driving lesson, so I am trying to keep busy.

Fighting....but why???

I have had a bug for 10 days now so haven't been able to do too much, though I have managed 2 driving lessons. This mornings lesson almost got cancelled because I was feeling so shaky, but I managed to complete the lesson without an accident despite the best efforts of a white van driver to cause one.

I managed also to achieve a small achievement as I went to the local Chinese supermarket on my own today, without my mp3 player. This might not seem a big thing to most people but it is for me, as its not somewhere I usually go so to go on my own means overcoming a hurdle.

I am trying to fight the depression and social phobia, but it isn't easy especially as I feel that I have no reasons to fight it, I am fighting it because apparently it is what I am supposed to do, but doing what I am supposed to do can only take me so far, if I don't find a reason to fight it will become harder to do so, I can only keep going through the motions for so long. Sod the idea of three wishes and asking for end to poverty etc. I want one wish that is to know why I am fighting, what I am fighting all this for.

Right lets go.

The recent break from my blog was due to  a virus that I am now getting over, the problem with any physical illness is that I have to fight it and the depression, especially when the physical illness stops me doing something I enjoy or do to fight the depression. This happened yesterday as I was unable to go to my photography class and really really missed it, despite how anxious I get in going and being there, I did miss it. I must remember how much I missed it next time the anxiety threatens to engulf me and tries to stop me from going.

A little pleased with myself today that despite feeling lousy I got up and dressed and then went for  little walk, and when the shop I was going to was closed I decided not to go straight home but to extend the walk slightly.

Another day survived

Please with myself sort of. Woke up still feeling lousy but managed to do a driving lesson and help dad around the house a bit. Really pleased that I didn't cancel my driving lesson despite the really strong urge to, due to the problems I had last Friday when I sent a text to cancel my lesson yet my instructor didn't receive the text till well after the lesson should have started. My urge to avoid any perceived confrontation, can have me avoiding situations where the majority of people wouldn't have given it a second thought.

So therapy is working already because it is making me question my behaviour, and try and fight the social phobia which has limited my life for so long, it is not easy and typically just once I decided that I was going to really fight it, my depression kicked in as if to say don't forget about me.

The day after the day before...

Today I am definitely suffering, mainly the physical effects of the stress/anxiety that my body got put through yesterday. I finished up my day of therapy, photography class, by walking home on my own. This was a bigger deal than walking to my photography class on my own, as the walk to the class is in daylight whilst coming home is in the dark. It was the longest walk in the dark I have done for several years, and the longest walk on my own in the dark through choice, I could have called my dad to meet me, that I have done probably since I was first became ill.

Despite the aching muscles, especially in my neck and shoulders, will try it again next week with the hope that the more I do all three on a monday the easier it will become. Was also pleased with myself because when I woke up I wasn't feeling too good and thought about cancelling therapy but said to myself that as I was still thinking of going to photography I had to go to therapy. So a positive day yesterday.

Through a wringer

Had therapy this afternoon, and now feel like I've been put through an emotional wringer. The good news is that I have already got  in place a lot of good things, such as going to photography, the bad news is that there is still a hard slog ahead of me and that it is likely to take several years for me to get somewhere. What is really frustrating is that if I had received this help sooner I might now be living a so called normal life.

Despite now wanting to curl up and hide away no such luck as I have my AS photography class tonight and as I can convince myself that going is part of my therapy I have to go.