Very bad dreams

Had a dream today that was so based on a really bad event in my life, and the dream felt so real that I woke up crying. The aftermath of the dream is my derepression had kicked off big time. The most annoying thing about this is first I have no control over my dreams, plus I was going well, today I managed to get myself up and made myself a cup of tea, plus had got a few jobs done all before 12. I needed a nap due to only sleeping 3 hours last night and this was when I had the bad dream. The problem with this is now I know I will become even more scared to go to sleep.

Paralysing

There are many things I want to do or try but fear ( no other word for it) of failure is stopping me. I love the idea of pinhole photography and have for sometime had the parts to convert a DSLR camera into a pinhole camera, but have kept putting it off as I was so scared of getting it wrong. I have finally made it, but I'm still not sure if the results are any good or not, even if I'm told they are I think the person is being nice. I wish I could get over this. I try but every time I want to try something new the fear emerges.

I managed to go into town today, and even walk through Swansea market on my own. This is a big deal as town was busy, and I knew this before we went it. Plus I would be walking round something new, as there was a food festival in town. One thing that happens when I'm out is I get something called disassociation, basically my vision is like it would be if I've had several very large alcoholic drinks, which makes going round somewhere new an interesting challenge.

I had to face today how bad my social phobia has become, as I love good ice cream, and at the food festival was a stall selling farmhouse ice cream, but I wouldn't buy it as I would have had to eat it out in town, and I'm so terrified of what people would think if they see me eating, especially something like an ice cream.

Worrying times

Not been to good recently, but still managed to earn three stars this week. I ad therapy, last but one session, again hard but helpful. My therapist is pleased with my progress so far. It is interesting as I felt I hadn't made much progress, but she was really pleased with what I had achieved. The simple fact that I spontaneously going into the garden is a huge step forward.

She was a bit concerned with my obsessional thought of cutting my wrists, which is now occurring whenever I am depressed and not just when I am at a extremely low point. The reason she is concerned is when you are at an extremely low point you don't have the energy to do anything about it. But she gave me a few techniques to try and fight the thought, including telling the poison parrot, that sits on my shoulder knocking the positive thoughts, to shut up. Its hard sometimes when I try to look to the future and this poison parrot knocks it, for example I have a wish to go to San Diego Comic con, but the moment I do the parrot starts telling me I will never be able to afford it, I wont get tickets, I'll feel stupid being there on my own, billy no mates, and on and on and on.

All I can do for the time being is to keep trying and thinking one hour at a time at the moment.