Bug

The last few days I've had a bug which has left me more tired than usual, but unfortunately my insomnia has kicked in full force. One advantage is my dad caught it and has admitted to me it has given him a better understanding of how tired I feel due to the depression. It isn't just a sleepy tiredness its a feeling that my limbs have been totally drained of energy and have been filled with lead, even typing this blog tonight is a real effort, physical and mental. I have mentioned it before but many people when they think about depression they just think of someone being sad, but there is so much more to it.

Despite all this and a lack of sleep, I have been out into the garden, and done a few jobs around the house. The best thing about going into the garden is that I no longer have to psyche myself up before I go out despite the fact that I know others are using their garden/balconies which overlook mine. Today despite having depression that makes me feel like I want to find a cave or a whole in the ground, my duvet is not enough to hide me, I was out int the garden for several minutes weeding before I thought to look around, like a wary animal.

The power of photography

Yesterday i managed to be in the garden for about half an hour without having an anxiety attack. I was lured out by my new camera, I worked out that this was the longest period i had spent in the garden this year.

Despite waking up with a bad headache this morning I managed to get up and ended up shortening three pairs of trousers, a job I've been putting off as I was scared of getting it wrong. I also managed to go out into the garden this time lured by the idea of fresh raspberries and blueberries.

Now just to deal with a bad thought I get everytime I start to get depressed. Its hard to deal with as it fills my mind even when I try to focus on something else. It isn't the same as when I get the self harm thoughts but is just as hard to deal with.

Still trying

It might sound silly but I'm plessed with one achievement this week the fact that on my down/quiet days when I have had headaches I have still managed to get up and dressed.

I had hoped to take some photos today but due to a bad night sleep I wasn't in the best frame of mind to do this. So I plan to try again tomorrow. Though on the plus side I so far haven't allowed the infection in my mouth to trigger my depression, and I have been out of the house into the garden.

It seems photography is really playing a role in my recovery.

No star today

No surprising after the week I have had I haven't been out today, as I have decided that I can only have one star a week for going into the garden. On the plus side despite my headache I have gotten up and dressed, and I did some baking. This is especially good as I find baking is very much confidence based for me, I get so anxious about getting it right, despite the fact that I have been baking on and off for years. So recently I haven't done much baking as my confidence has been so low, despite the fact that my confidence is still extremely low dad has encouraged me to do some baking, and I encouraged myself as it dawned on me that the cakes I would bake would be a good prop for a photo I want to take for the international geek penpals group.

Four Stars

Due to a dentist appointment I earned another gold star, thirds means that this week I have left the house four days in a row, this is definitely progress as there have been months where I haven't left the house four times in the whole month. But I'm not going to make the mistake of pushing myself to hard I am going to stick to my plan of ensuring that I leave the house a minimum of three times.

I know some might think that as I've managed four times this week what is stopping me doing it again, this week was different due to appointments, and in the past I have tried to run before I can walk and as a result have gone backwards. My therapist agrees that if I can manage three days a week leaving the house I will be doing well. I'm not saying once I've been out three times I won't go out again , but instead three is my minimum target.

Show me the way to my bed

Well three gold stars so far this week, that's three days going out and doing a few jobs round the house. No wonder tonight I'm shattered it would be nice to have a full nights sleep. I hope so as I will be earning another star tomorrow as I have to visit my lovely dentist for her to have a workout removing one of my teeth.

Had therapy today which involved shopping, and sitting on a bench in town. This might sound ideal to some but the last time I went into the shop we went to today I had a full blown panic attack, as for sitting on the bench in the sun it just meant more time when people can see me. I had hoped to do some photography in town, but a combination of heat, lack of sleep, busy town, meant that I didn't think trying to use a camera, which I can just about turn on, was a good idea.

I have been very reluctant in showing strangers my photographs, but when a friend signed me up to a photo group on Facebook I took on the challenge and didn't just ignore it. I post a photo yesterday and have had several very nice remarks about it, so planning photography shoot for tomorrow or Friday for another group I belong to.

Half and half

I sometimes think my head is against me, I have a new camera to play with, the weather is lovely and I am improving after my latest bout of depression and increased social phobia, yet due to a bad headache I couldn't get out much today.

After yesterday though I'm not really surprised I have a headache. By this afternoon though I could feel the depression creeping up on me so I decided that despite the physical pain it would cause I would get up and do a few things. It frequently is a balancing act in order to keep the depression at bay.

One of my loves is photography, this has got me out on occasions when I would have found an excuse not to. A friend, who frequently encourages my photography, signed me onto a Facebook photography group who have weekly themes, this week is paper and today I plucked up the courage to post a photograph, though it did mean I was shaking for a while afterwards.

One very tired step.

Last night I decided to play my brain at its own game. By that I mean I planned to use one of its issues against it and in my recoveries favour. One of my many issues is letting people down, no what whether its true or just in my head. I used this in my advantage, I asked my friends last night on Facebook to think of me or nag me to get to Hafal. I hadn't been for quite some time, plus during the time I haven't been there they have moved into temporary room. So I had the combined issues of not having been there for a while and going somewhere new.

I was so worked up I didn't sleep but instead of taking that as an excuse not to go I got up and went to Hafal, it was hard especially having to walk through a door when I had no idea who would be on the other side, I do prefer doors with glass in them. I managed to stay for just over an hour, and providing the dentist isn't too bad on Thursday I plan to go for another hour then.

Try again

I'm one of those people who benefits from schedules and preplanning. I have tried to use this to help my recovery, but so far no luck. But this doesn't mean I have given up. As previous attemptd haven't worked then time to try something else, I think one reason it hadn't worked is that I think I have tried to do too much too soon. So the new plan is to concentrate on doing something every other for the next few months or till on the quiet days I dont feel ill. I feel that this might work.

Progress of sort

Despite yet another headache I managed to get up and dressed this morning, before doing a few jobs around the house. My biggest challenge was answering the front door, more difficult than normal as Dad was out, but I did it. Another shock I gave Dad was that I did some ironing, not easy to do when you are shaking as much as I had today. These few things I have done today might not seem a big deal but they are to me especially answering the door as I had no idea who it might be.

Tomorrows challenge is the answer the door if knocked, and to go to Hafal, which has moved to a location that I haven't been to yet.