New Year

Well it looks like I'm starting the new year as the I did the old, full blown migraine with a side order of depression, so please forgive any spelling/grammar errors.

I hate new year, currently its only purpose seems to be to give my anxiety ladened brain further excuse to worry about stuff I haven't achieved. So instead of staying up to get gradually worse I am going to defy convention and go to bed early. I know I could be accused of hiding once again, but there are times when a tactical withdrawal will allow me to fight another day.

The one convention I will follow is to briefly look back at the idea behind this blog. I'm writing this blog for several reasons, one as a way of me trying to empty my mind of worries/concerns so I won't dwell on them quiet so much, another is to give me something to look back on at some point to see my progression, finally to tell truth about depression. All too often people think of depression as just crying all the time or feeling low, I want to try and explain it is so much more, in my case it encompasses social phobia and feelings of total inadequacy, of feeling a fraud if I accomplish anything, of self harming and extreme loneliness. This is my experiences of depression others who experience it will feel some similarities but will also experience thoughts that relate specifically to them, each persons experience of depression is different but they should realise that they are not alone.

Finally thanks to those who have supported me and encouraged me throughout the year. Now for an early night so I can face the new year.

Paralysing thoughts

Recently I've become aware how certain thoughts are preventing me from doing things, from leading a normal life. These thoughts are preventing me from doing things that the major of people will do without giving it a second thought.

For me the fear of rejection has become overwhelming, it affects all aspects of my life. This fear has become so great that it prevents me from asking a friend out for coffee, this will sound ridiculous to most readers of this, but it is how bad this fear of rejection has got. There is no point in getting me to think about what the worse that could happen because I have already beaten you to that thought and got fixated upon this negative instead of the positive. I know I need to fix this as it is impossible to continue living like this, but all I can focus on at the moment is at least I have admitted to the problem, fixing it is too scary. Hopefully when the depression isn't as bad as it is today I will make a step towards remedying it.

Effort made

My sleep at the moment is awful, the last thing I need when the depression kicks in, is not being able to sleep. It is a scientific fact that due to lowest metabolic rate at 3 am this is when depression is worse, darkest before the dawn had a touch of truth in it. So it doesn't help to be awake then. Was tempting to hide away today, to stay under the duvet, but I managed to get up and more importantly dressed. This might not seem such a big deal but for me and my current state of mind it was a major achievement.

Christmas past and present

I've never been one for Christmas, probably due in part to as a child not getting the things I really wanted e.g a gun, catapult, sword, or one years request a set of throwing knives. Instead I got sindy and a succession of useless presents, unless my dad was allowed to choose on his own in which case I got a book on history, that I still read to this day.

I have know solved this problem of unsuitable gifts from my mother by giving her a list, which she then passed on to my brother, I then open these a few days early when my brother visits with my niece and nephews. This then removes any disappointment and annoyance for my mother not knowing me at all.

Its funny how much we do invest emotionally in creating the perfect Christmas, no such thing exists. We think we can buy it and get ourselves in debt. This all leads to stress. This year whilst not being perfect was pretty good. My mother's present was already out of the way, my dad bought me things he knew I wanted plus a few things he thought I would like. Not too much was eaten but enough to feel slightly special, Dr Who was enjoyed and I then curled up and spent the evening reading. I did get worked up about making perfect real custard, yet when it didn't go 100% correct I didn't let it spoil the rest of my evening. Depression at least for today has been given the day off.

New fears

As a kid I was never scared of the dark, if on a night walk I'd be one of the lovely ones who would walk ahead in order to jump out and frightens the others. Ever since my breakdown night can provoke in me everything from terror to mildly scared, which is why this week I've been really pleased with myself as I've managed to go downstairs several times in the middle of the next night. Like all fears/anxieties the more you face them the easier it becomes. It probably doesn't help that there are a lot of strange noises outside due to people coming home from pubs and clubs late at night, along with random car alarms and bangs on the front door. This anxiety isn't helped by the fact that due to insomnia I am often awake at night. So to have managed to go downstairs three times this week is an improvement.

Christmas part one.

Today we were descended upon by my brother and his kids. All three store under 5, so that house was filled with noise and mad dashes to stop the youngest, who has just learnt to crawl, from eating the Christmas lights. Think I coped well despite wishing I could hide, but worth the effort to see how much they loved their presents.

Haven't been out yesterday or today but had visitors, which I didn't try and put off, on both days. Feeling really tired and getting anxious about whether people will like the presents I have got them. For someone who can get anxious over the smallest of things Christmas presents me with a smorgasbord of anxieties to choose from.

Pat on the back....I think

I managed to get out today for a walk. Admittedly not very far or on my own, but considering if left to my own devices I would never leave the house, not too bad. It means that so far since Monday I have been out 3 times, including a driving lesson. Hoping to go out tomorrow also as the only way I am going to stop this anxiety/phobia about going out from getting worse, and to eventually beat it, is to go out. I know at some point I could get out more, but I had a set back, but I must try and put that behind me and start a fresh.

One task at a time

Woke up with a migraine, this was due to getting so worked up about icing two Christmas cakes yesterday. This meant that I have not done the jobs I wanted to do, so I am spending this evening trying not to get worked up about that. Instead I am saying over amend over to myself that of the 6 tasks I wrote down last night to do today I have, despite the migraine, done 2 of them. Hopefully if I say it enough I might start to believe it.

When you hear about depression there is so much that isn't mentioned, due to the illness and all the medication I have to take both my concentration and memory has become impaired. With a result I can easily forget something, and then people saying it can't be important if you can't remember doesn't help because with me it could be important. As a result I have had to find a solution, so after saving hard I have bought a nexus tablet. This allows me to make notes, when I did them on paper I had a tendency to lose the paper. I can also set it up to give me reminders, for example if dad isn't around I can set it to remind me to take my medication. So the anxiety of forgetting is reduced.

Logic or not....

Just over two years ago I graduated with a distinction for my Masters, due to my mental health I am still waiting for someone to ask for it back, saying that I got it under false pretenses.

I did my Masters after I had been ill for a while as a way of proving that being mentally ill does not impact upon my intelligence. In order to get this I had to be logical and form logical and coherent arguments, yet when it comes to myself logic goes out of the window. For example when people say nice things about something I have created I believe they are being nice, no matter how many people say it.

Been told today that my new years resolution should be to accept compliments.

Fears

It is the fear of failure that is currently paralysing me and my photography. Even though I am not doing this course in order to go onto university, and hence need the qualification, I am doing the course to further my photography for my own interest. But despite knowing this the fear of failure is halting me. Currently my mind is having the argument about whether failure or giving up is worse.

It is interesting the way my mind is dealing with confidence, I can take a photo that I like and for the briefest moment the confidence is there only to be replaced by accusations of being prideful or delusional. These stem from events when I was a child. It is interesting how much of an impact events can have on you when your are developing. Well seems like I have yet another thing to fight against.

Frame of mind...

Having to work on my portfolio for my photography class, the main problem is my distinct lack of confidence. Seem to have spent more time this evening convincing myself not to give up. Really tired having to fight so many things in my head. I wish that my fears and anxieties would take it in turns and not all crowd for attention at once. Managed to convinced my head to give the photography another day, will work on some if them tomorrow when hopefully I will be in a better frame of mind.

Rollercoaster

Just when I seem to be getting a grip on things, something which for most people would be nothing knocks me totally off. Its hard when I think I'm slowly getting a balance to take yet another knock. Despite setting myself target of a normal life, it is hard to keep trying to fight for it when every time I get knocked down. I know what my targets are I just have lost why I am aiming for them. At the moment I can't fight towards my targets as it is taking all my physical and mental strength to fight the notion of giving up.

It also doesn't help that there has been no continuity with my therapist as she is once again off sick.

Todays blog and walk curtesy of...

The power of music can be great, I had two walks today and managed both with what for me was a minimal level of anxiety. This was done in part through listening to two tracks on both walks, Foo Fighters Walk and Bowling for Soup High School never ends, listening to the revelvant lyrics helped me to focus on something other tan the fact that I was outside walking and it was dark.

Todays photo is a bit different, normally I download the photos straight from my camera but today I have decided to upload a photo that I have already put on my blog with the add twist of having worked on it tonight in class.