And through it all....

Missed my cooked breakfast this morning in order to have a bit longer in bed, when I then got up wanted to crawl back under the duvet. But instead went out had a cup of tea and either dad dragged me or I dragged him around more of Birmingham's markets. The bonus to keeping going despite not feeling well was I managed to get a few more photos taken.

MixedResults

Been a tough day today, not feeling too well physically which then impacts upon my mental health. Despite this I did manage to get out for a walk and shopping this morning with the bonus of taking a couple of photographs.  Had to have a rest this afternoon, but managed to get out for a while this evening again with the bonus of taking a few photos.

Just wish I felt a little better that I didn't have to fight the depression to stop it from putting in an appearance.

Tough Day

On a few days break in Birmingham, the journey here was slightly eventful culminating in me having a full blown panic attack as I tried to leave the train station and get to the hotel. Luckily staying in a hotel that I've been to before. After a break managed to walk around some shops and the German market, a total of a 3 mile walk. All in all a pat on the back day.

Achievement

When I woke up this morning the last thing I wanted to do was to go out, let alone go through a session of therapy and then a photography class this evening. So I made a deal with myself that if I went to therapy today I could buy a gadget I've been wanting for sometime, and that a decision about the class could be made later.

When I was walking home I felt lousy and decided that I wasn't going to go, but with dads help I managed to make it. I then walked home on my own. So a day of achievements, they might seem so to others but when the slightest thing can make me feel sick with anxiety, not giving in is an achievement.

Homework and a little more

This afternoon after my driving lesson I went to the library on my on, this I had to do as therapy homework. But instead of just going to the library and then turning around and coming straight back home I went onto the beach and spent about 20 minutes taking photos. This might not seem long to the majority of people but to me it felt like a lifetime.

I'm really pleased that I didn't just do the bare minimum that I had to but instead pushed myself a little bit more and was rewarded with some lovely weather for taking a few pictures of which I hope a couple will end up in my As level sketchbook.

Still not hiding...sort of

Bad night last night despite the sleeping tablet, had trouble getting to and staying asleep. This lack of sleep then triggered a mild bout, for me, of depression. Despite this I got up this morning and did my driving lesson, which seemed to go well. Afterwards I helped a neighbour with  tv and computer problems. Afterwards I did need a nap, but instead of being annoyed with myself for needing a nap, I have been holding on to what I have done. This is a step forward in my thinking, now to keep it up.

Forward .....stagger

Well its that time of the year and I have another bug. One thing no one seems to warn you about depression is that it can make you more susceptible for infections. As I am trying to get out more and meet more people I am getting more colds etc.

So this morning found me waking up absolutely stuffed full of cold, with a visit to the dentist ahead. Instead of cancelling or going straight to the dentists and straight on I decided to extend the walk to help dad, by going into the Uplands for some shopping. By the time I got home I was absolutely shattered but at least I had not only done it all on my own, I hadn't taken the easy option. Go Me.

Changes

I was reading an article in New Scientist about depression, which could be summed up as we don't know what causes depression, and we don't know why anti depressants work but they seem to. It seems that they now believe that with depression it isn't as straight forward as a lack of serotonin, it seems that some areas of the brain serotonin levels were high and some areas it was low. So basically we don't know what causes depression or what we can do to help you recover from it. This probably explains why I am on my 4th different antidepressant and 2nd different anti anxiety.

As well as medical treatment in the form of tablets, it is important that some mental illness is treated with some psychological treatment such as cognitive therapy. I have finally started this stage of my treatment, and it has been very interesting. One of the first thing I discovered was that some of the escape processes that i use today I started doing over 30 years ago. To change these behaviours is going to take time and effort.

But changes in my thinking have already started. After writing yesterday blog about me coping, last night I had a mini crash, it wasn't to the depths of not being able to stop crying, but it was low. As soon as I realised what was happening to me, instead of resorting to my usual behaviour of hiding in bed with a book, instead I sat down and thought what might have been the reason for the dip in mood. Once I did this, a lot has happened in the last week, I gave myself a break. Instead of telling myself I was being stupid and thus sending myself spiral down, I said to myself that feeling low was understandable and that I had to remember that I was doing better than I had previously.

Though I still woke up this morning with a migraine which has put me out of action today, the depression has receded slightly, which if I hadn't given myself a break it would have got worse,

So as I wrote in yesterdays blog, my recovery is happening better than I had previously thought, and changes to behaviours learnt over decades can be changed if you really want them to.

I'm back.... I think

I haven't written much in my blog recently for two reasons. the first was I felt that my recovery had become bogged down and was going anywhere, the second was I didn't feel like sharing. But I have missed it, I've missed that often when I put thoughts down in my blog, I then don't spend hours going over and over these thoughts.

Recently though several incidents happened that made me realise that my recovery was more advanced than I had thought. In a couple of days my printer packed up, just as I was about to print some pictures for my As portfolio, also my dvd recorder packed up, not allowing me to record to dvd some programmes for my Aunt. Then to cap it all, yesterday in the pouring rain I was locked out. In the past these events would have been enough to have me running for my bed and hiding from the world for at least a week. Yet today found me driving round Gower wondering what a cow had been eating to have such a stoned look on its face.

Recovery from illness is a funny thing, it is not always easy as the person recovering to realise that they are recovering.