Trying not to complain

Still really struggling with this latest bout of depression. It was particularly hard today as my brother and his family visited and all I wanted was to hide away on my own, it was nice seeing the joy as my nephews and niece opened their presents, but I spent the entire time fighting back tears. Even when my youngest nephew threw himself at me for a hug. I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything would be ok.

I might sound antisocial or grumpy but christmas isn't my favourite time of the year as I get so anxious about the gifts I give, whether they will be liked or not. This combined with a lack of communication from my mother, apart from a card, is probably adding to prolonging this latest bout of depression. Plus both my photography class and my therapy are not running so the routine which helps slightly are not in place.

I know I have people who love me but at 2353 as I write this I feel unbearably lonely.

Keeping busy

I've been keeping myself busy this last ten days, but my depression is still bad. Often I know the cause but this time all I can think is thats it an accumulation of stuff. In part its Christmas I get so worked up about presents I have bought for people I love.

I also am getting so worked up about what people think of decisions I make about my life, these decisions don't affect them but I still worry. I wish I could stop it I have tried but find it impossible to stop.

Slowly Learning

I finished my present shopping today, unlike previous years instead of the internet this was done in town. I wanted something specific from Boots but despite two of us looking I couldn't find it, in the past I would have walked out of the shop without it. This time though I plucked up the courage and asked an assistant if they had it. She not only told me where it might be but also looked up if they had any in stock, when I went to the area the only one they had was broken so I went to the till and asked about it and another assistant went and got one for me. I walked out pleased that by talking to two people I got my reward by getting the present that I really wanted for someone.