Learning to relax

I got so worked up yesterday over something I shouldn't have got worked up over at all. As a result of getting worked up I've given myself a migraine and triggered my depression.

I know I need to learn how to relax but not quite sure how to, I also need to learn to control my anxiety so that it doesnt get as debilitating as it does currently. I did keep telling myself there was no need to get worked up but that didnt work. I now need to find techniques to stop the anxiety escalating once it starts.

Impatience

I've had enough. I wish this was over. I want a normal life. I want to be able to go to gigs, to go away for the weekend. I see trailers for films and wish to go.

I know that with time i should be able to recover, but it has been 14 plus years so far, I know I am impatient but how long do I ha to be patient for.

The depression has been bad the last week or so, as a result I've spent many evenings crying. I wish this would stop. Its hard when you do your therapy and take your tablets but dont seem to be really improving.

Trust Issues

I've always had problems trusting people. It does affect my relationships with people as I wonder why they want to know me, and also I'm not being prepared to open up. I wish I could learn to trust people but things in my pass, things that have happened to me, things that have been said to me, make this hard to do.

I know I have to work on this, but its hard when you are constantly questioning if what someone is saying to me is the truth or self serving lies.

Bad night

I normal write a maximum of a blog entry in a day, but I'm hoping that by putting what is happening down it might help.

It is currently 3.44am, I've had a long day but am unable to sleep. I've been crying for the pass two hours and don't look like stopping anytime soon. I wish I had someone to talk to, who could give me advice. When I was younger I was a part of a youth group of which my dad was leader, on numerous occasions someone from the group would come to the house to talk to my dad, I was so jealous as I didn't have a leader to talk to, and if I'm honest even if I had I would have found it so hard. This jealousy continues to this day when I see people who have someone they can turn to for advice/help.

I know most of my friends can turn to their friends, partners or mothers, why can't I turn to my friends. I think its because I am no longer really close to any friend, if I ever was, and am so scared (no exaggeration) of boring them, making them fed up with me. And I certainly can't talk to my mother who's communication with me in the last 12 months has been a handful of emails, despite living in the same city. I realise now that my blog only shows a small part of what is going on in my head, somehow I need an outlet for the rest, someone/somewhere who can help me reach decisions. I know I'm going to group therapy but the help I particularly need at the moment isn't going to come from there. I don't know where to turn.

Making an effort

Despite feeling lousy when I woke up I went to therapy. Its hard going I hate being in a group, plus I've always found it difficult to express myself. For some reason something was triggered in me and I ended up in floods, which I hate. I find it hard to cry in public. It is helpful to feel that I'm not alone that others have gone through similar feelings to me. Its hard admitting to strangers that you have had enough of life, that a combination of tiredness of fighting and loneliness has brought you so low.

This evening I had my photography class and managed to make it, its going to be hard for a while doing both in a day but I need to stick with it.

Hopefully due to tiredness and issues brought up in therapy I'm having a bad time now. But I know its important for me to keep going to both for my recovery.

Questioning

I wish I could stop questioning peoples motives, why do they want to talk to me, why do they say they care, what are they after. If someone says something nice about me or something I have done, I think they are just being nice.

I'm just waiting to be hurt, I wish I could stop this, but I feel that people are laugh at me behind my back. I know that this is due to my mental illness but it doesn't stop me feeling sick waiting for the betrayal.

Never good start when I'm crying before 9am, been crying on and off through the day, still managed to get pout into the garden to check my saffron crocus and pick blueberries, also made marmalade.

Busy day tomorrow with group therapy and photography class.

Another day

Had another bad day. I have tried to keep myself distracted but not too successfully. I realised how jealous I am of so many people, when they have something I want. Not possessions but someone who loves and cares for them.

I dont want much just my own place, a job and someone who cares about me.

I know this latest bout of depression is bad as im off food, and find things that normally interest me I struggle to do. I dont know where to turn what to do. I know ive been here before and got through it. But it doesnt stop the pain/ hurt I am going through at the moment.

Off again

I'm going downhill fast once again, I got myself into a bit of a state over meeting someone new, causing myself a migraine. That was a week ago, and added with other things going on that for some reason I refuse to share I'm in a real state.

I have had to push myself to get anything done this week, as all I want to do is hide, not helped by having a throat infection and an abscess on my gum.

I am going through another bout of why am I bothering, my fears about my future have increased so much that when I think about the future I have been physically sick. I haven't gone don't the why me route, its not fair, instead my head is filled with anxiety and panic. I have tried thinking about other things, trying to distract myself but nothing has worked. I know that I have felt like this before and recovered but there is always the fear that one time I won't.

Life has become too much, overwhelming, I no longer know where to turn, it feels like I'm totally alone.