Try Again

I stopped writing this blog because of  comments from a couple of people. But I have come to realise that I need to write this blog for myself. I am currently going to psychodynamic group therapy, for those who know anything about therapy will know that this is a very tiring and hard therapy to go through as it pulls out things that have been hidden/forgotten or not understood/ dealt with at the time. One of the things I am having to come to terms with is the apparent reject by my mother. Looking back (I have confirmed this) my mother and I rarely if ever did anything together. She has never taken an interest in anything I did or I was interested in, if I ever achieved something it was expected that I should or a slight failing would be pointed out.

This has added to my feelings of self hatred/loathing, feelings that have gotten so bad my self harming has began again. When people now try and pay me a compliment now I look for the negative, waiting for the if or the but of what was being said, or else I wonder why they are saying it, what they want.

I would love to hear someone who loves me say that I'm pretty, that I'm great as I am. That I have a nice smile perhaps or eyes. To be valued as I am.

I write this blog entry the night after a therapy session so I am raw and have spent the evening crying. But its important for me to remember that I went to therapy despite feeling rough and I walked further today than I have for a while.