Achievement

I think I achieved a few things today. For a start I went out of the house for the second day in a row, yesterday I went out in the evening, which is especially challenging to me, and today I went out in the afternoon. When I was out this afternoon I also went into a shop on my own, this was a big achievement as I had never been in this particular shop before, so it was a situation that I would normally avoid. I managed to do this despite having a bad headache, these days I seem to have a permanent headache that painkillers don't get rid of, either a tension headache or a migraine, so I have had to make the decision to try and carry on my recovery, by going out, despite the headache.

Balance

I wish for once that my mind would allow me to feel OK. I woke up this morning feeling lousy, but got up and dressed before helping Dad with a job and then going out. I then set up my ps3, a job I had been putting off as its second hand and I dreaded something going wrong, but I managed to work through the one small issue I did have. I then spent a little time playing a few games.

I felt OK something that I rarely feel, but within hours I'm crying and wondering why bother. What's the point of making an effort when I still feel lousy? I am now trying to hold on to the fact that at least for a
little while I felt normal, but its hard when the depression is so overwhelming.

But I will try hard to hold onto that feeling, just as I have stuck to my diet for three weeks despite being tempted by a neighbour offering me her lovely home baked cake. How I managed to turn down cream filled cake I don't know but I did, I want to lose this weight just as I want to get well.

Reality

I did something stupid this last week I read the comments section after a science page I follow on Facebook posted about Robin Williams. I thought it would be safe, surely people who follow a science page would be rational and logical. To my great surprise this wasn't the case and several people commented that anyone who committed suicide was selfish. People who commit suicide are not selfish, they are many things, they were in a place so dark that they could not see a way out, they were in pain, physical or mental, they saw no hope for the future, but not selfish.

I struggle to understand peoples attitude towards mental illness, we never tell people with cancer to pull themselves together that its all in their heads, but that is something people with mental illness have probably heard. Its hardest when it comes from your own family. My brother can not understand how I appeared fine one week and was so ill the next. To start with appearances can be truly deceptive, I had been ill so long and hidden it so well I had managed to almost hide it from myself. I would do numerous things that people assumed meant I had confidence whereas the reality was I was terrified and was hoping by doing these things that confidence I was acting might become reality.

When I first became really ill  I could no longer maintain the pretends that all was well with me, I could no longer maintain the illusion. Now I am having to discover who I am, to admit to my fears and learn how to deal and hopefully conquer them.

Keep on trying

Been working extremely hard recently on my recovery. Been going out of the house more, though I do need to increase the times I go out on my own. Also answering the door and phone more often. Another big step in my mind was for me to wear a bright green t shirt out of the house, in case you are wondering why I would buy something to wear that makes me feel conspicuous, I buy a mystery geek box each month as a treat and with it comes a T-shirt, and last months was a green T-shirt with a blue Adventure Time design, it has taken most of the month to convince myself to wear it when I leave the house. I am also working on my diet, though it is extremely hard as I am definitely a comfort eater so as I push myself the need to comfort eat increase.

At the same time I am battling the depression which makes me feel like all I want to do is curl up and hide. Particularly hard today as I heard about the possible suicide of Robin Williams, the reason for this making things feel harder is the fact that if with all the help he could afford and the advantages he had if he couldn't beat depression how can I. I know depressions no respecter of wealth, relationship status, job satisfaction but those things help. I just have to hold on to the things that have helped me to hold on so far.

I recently bought a cheap mp3 player which lives in my 'handbag' which I have filled with songs which I like or more importantly remind me of good events, for example Have a nice day by Stereophonics reminds me of the 18 days I spent in San Fransisco, or The Lion Sleeps tonight which reminds me of Nigeria or New Age Girl which reminds me of one of the best nights out I ever had which was in East London South Africa. The idea behind the mp3 is for me to listen to it when I'm out and hopefully I instead of getting anxious I will be reminded of good times I had around the world.

Day Two

Today I have been absolutely drain, therapy is tiring especially when you spend the rest of your time crying or at least fighting back the tears. But for some reason I am fighting on. I have tried to keep myind occupied as physically today when I tried anything I failed because I have been so tired. Though in my mind I have proof that I am not well as I bought comics yesterday that I still havent read, which might not seem a big deal but with me its a greater indicator than tears.

I will still plan to try and do a bit each day, help dad, online studying or just reading to try and get out of this bout.

Try Again

I stopped writing this blog because of  comments from a couple of people. But I have come to realise that I need to write this blog for myself. I am currently going to psychodynamic group therapy, for those who know anything about therapy will know that this is a very tiring and hard therapy to go through as it pulls out things that have been hidden/forgotten or not understood/ dealt with at the time. One of the things I am having to come to terms with is the apparent reject by my mother. Looking back (I have confirmed this) my mother and I rarely if ever did anything together. She has never taken an interest in anything I did or I was interested in, if I ever achieved something it was expected that I should or a slight failing would be pointed out.

This has added to my feelings of self hatred/loathing, feelings that have gotten so bad my self harming has began again. When people now try and pay me a compliment now I look for the negative, waiting for the if or the but of what was being said, or else I wonder why they are saying it, what they want.

I would love to hear someone who loves me say that I'm pretty, that I'm great as I am. That I have a nice smile perhaps or eyes. To be valued as I am.

I write this blog entry the night after a therapy session so I am raw and have spent the evening crying. But its important for me to remember that I went to therapy despite feeling rough and I walked further today than I have for a while.

Help

Dont know whether or not I will publish the link for this on Facebook, as some people reading my blog have ended up giving me grief. So I stopped writing it, I have returned to it as I need an outlet for my thoughts. The depression is getting bad again but this time its accompanied by increased anxiety, increased self hatred and increased self harm thoughts.

I am near the end of my A level photography course, in many ways I have found it harder than my Masters. I think this is because photography and art are subjective whereas my Masters was a science subject. There have been several occasions when I seriously considered quitting my photography course but was persuaded to carry on. All this anxiety about the course adds to my general anxiety, plus it is probably not help that I am still waiting for someone to recall my Masters, deep in my head I believe that it was awarded by mistake that there is no way that I could have achieved it.

This is probably tied up with my self hatred. I do not look in mirrors unless it cant be helped, I havent been to the hairdressers in over a year, there have been occasions when I have had to fight hard not to punch a mirror to smash it. Clothes shopping is kept to a minimum mainly via the internet.

Tonight has been tough, crying, the hardest bit is fighting the self harm thoughts. I know this is down to the illness but knowing and accepting are two very different things.

Most of friends know of my love of books and reading, this current bout of depression has taken this love away from me. Some people think depression is simple to understand you get sad the doctor gives you tablets end of story. I have taken 5 different anti depressants and have been told that even though the one I am on doesnt work fully its my last hope. I am on two different medications for anxiety and as for my other diagnosis there is nothing that can be prescribed. Therapy might work but is very difficult to get on the NHS. So very simple. The other thing to consider is that depression doesnt just make you sad, it affects all aspects of your life, how you do, or in my case dont look after yourself, it can also pull you so far down that things you previously really enjoyed can become a chore.

I hope that the way I will get through this is by keep doing things I used to enjoy till I once again enjoy them, therefore continuing with my photography and reading.

Struggling with the Direction

Sunday night I had a really bad night, to the extent that I started looking up suicide webpages, I had been helped earlier in the evening by to good friends, but later on my head took off again. This has been going on for several months now with me no longer feeling that I knew the direction to go in order to get out of the current bout of depression. Now reached Wednesday and the thoughts have been increasing, it is tiring to be constantly fighting the urge not to cut my arms, feeling so tired yet my insomnia is in full flood. I am trying hard to hold onto the people who helped me on Sunday when I asked for help.

Where's the map

I am still desperately trying to find my way back from this depression. I went to therapy and photography class today but had to work hard to stop myself crying in class. Managed to walk the furthest in town my own today that I have for sometime, plus walked home from college without my headphones.

All through therapy I was wondering if I could hide. Absolutely drained now and want to hide again.

Lost

I haven't written my blog recently because I couldn't cope with a few reactions to it. But I'm writing it tonight because its 03:13 am and I have no one else to turn to. I have been crying on and off since 9pm and instead of decreasing my tears and distress are increasing. My depression has been on me from before christmas and I have lost my way out. I know I have been here before and have got out of it but this time I don't know how to. I read because I need to fill time, I do my photography because I have coursework to do but get no enjoyment from either. Even favourite tv programmes no longer provide a temporary release from my head. Tricks and things I have done before don't help.

I have been trying, going to therapy, taking my medications but none of it is helping. I feel so isolated so alone. I have heard depression refered to as a black dog that follows you but that doesn't describe it, to me its a duvet smothering me, covering me and which ever way I turn all I find is more duvet.

I despair for the future that I will spend the rest of my life living with one room which is mine, not knowing where or who to turn to. The system fills you full of medication and if you are lucky a short session of therapy and expects you to find your own way out.

I want my brain to stop thinking about cutting. I want a glimmer of hope for the future. I want to stop feeling society pressures, a society that prescribes what body shape you should have, how you should look, what your relationship should be like, and if you fall down in any of these then you are either to be pitied or to be despised.

I still want someone to tell me it will work out, that they are there for me.

Un Birthday

Its my birthday today but for a variety of reasons I have spent most of it crying. One reason is the feeling that my life has slipped by with me achieving nothing. This is amplified that this is my 40th so the saying is its all down here from here, yet due to the illness I haven't had the chance to have a life.

The problem with a birthday so near to new year is that my head goes into overdrive about where my life is and is going. I have been going to my therapy group and have not quit my photography group. But I am still living at home. I don't want much from life anymore I just want to know that I will be safe and secure in the future, and that I am the important person in someone's life.