Reality

I did something stupid this last week I read the comments section after a science page I follow on Facebook posted about Robin Williams. I thought it would be safe, surely people who follow a science page would be rational and logical. To my great surprise this wasn't the case and several people commented that anyone who committed suicide was selfish. People who commit suicide are not selfish, they are many things, they were in a place so dark that they could not see a way out, they were in pain, physical or mental, they saw no hope for the future, but not selfish.

I struggle to understand peoples attitude towards mental illness, we never tell people with cancer to pull themselves together that its all in their heads, but that is something people with mental illness have probably heard. Its hardest when it comes from your own family. My brother can not understand how I appeared fine one week and was so ill the next. To start with appearances can be truly deceptive, I had been ill so long and hidden it so well I had managed to almost hide it from myself. I would do numerous things that people assumed meant I had confidence whereas the reality was I was terrified and was hoping by doing these things that confidence I was acting might become reality.

When I first became really ill  I could no longer maintain the pretends that all was well with me, I could no longer maintain the illusion. Now I am having to discover who I am, to admit to my fears and learn how to deal and hopefully conquer them.

Keep on trying

Been working extremely hard recently on my recovery. Been going out of the house more, though I do need to increase the times I go out on my own. Also answering the door and phone more often. Another big step in my mind was for me to wear a bright green t shirt out of the house, in case you are wondering why I would buy something to wear that makes me feel conspicuous, I buy a mystery geek box each month as a treat and with it comes a T-shirt, and last months was a green T-shirt with a blue Adventure Time design, it has taken most of the month to convince myself to wear it when I leave the house. I am also working on my diet, though it is extremely hard as I am definitely a comfort eater so as I push myself the need to comfort eat increase.

At the same time I am battling the depression which makes me feel like all I want to do is curl up and hide. Particularly hard today as I heard about the possible suicide of Robin Williams, the reason for this making things feel harder is the fact that if with all the help he could afford and the advantages he had if he couldn't beat depression how can I. I know depressions no respecter of wealth, relationship status, job satisfaction but those things help. I just have to hold on to the things that have helped me to hold on so far.

I recently bought a cheap mp3 player which lives in my 'handbag' which I have filled with songs which I like or more importantly remind me of good events, for example Have a nice day by Stereophonics reminds me of the 18 days I spent in San Fransisco, or The Lion Sleeps tonight which reminds me of Nigeria or New Age Girl which reminds me of one of the best nights out I ever had which was in East London South Africa. The idea behind the mp3 is for me to listen to it when I'm out and hopefully I instead of getting anxious I will be reminded of good times I had around the world.