Dont know whether or not I will publish the link for this on Facebook, as some people reading my blog have ended up giving me grief. So I stopped writing it, I have returned to it as I need an outlet for my thoughts. The depression is getting bad again but this time its accompanied by increased anxiety, increased self hatred and increased self harm thoughts.
I am near the end of my A level photography course, in many ways I have found it harder than my Masters. I think this is because photography and art are subjective whereas my Masters was a science subject. There have been several occasions when I seriously considered quitting my photography course but was persuaded to carry on. All this anxiety about the course adds to my general anxiety, plus it is probably not help that I am still waiting for someone to recall my Masters, deep in my head I believe that it was awarded by mistake that there is no way that I could have achieved it.
This is probably tied up with my self hatred. I do not look in mirrors unless it cant be helped, I havent been to the hairdressers in over a year, there have been occasions when I have had to fight hard not to punch a mirror to smash it. Clothes shopping is kept to a minimum mainly via the internet.
Tonight has been tough, crying, the hardest bit is fighting the self harm thoughts. I know this is down to the illness but knowing and accepting are two very different things.
Most of friends know of my love of books and reading, this current bout of depression has taken this love away from me. Some people think depression is simple to understand you get sad the doctor gives you tablets end of story. I have taken 5 different anti depressants and have been told that even though the one I am on doesnt work fully its my last hope. I am on two different medications for anxiety and as for my other diagnosis there is nothing that can be prescribed. Therapy might work but is very difficult to get on the NHS. So very simple. The other thing to consider is that depression doesnt just make you sad, it affects all aspects of your life, how you do, or in my case dont look after yourself, it can also pull you so far down that things you previously really enjoyed can become a chore.
I hope that the way I will get through this is by keep doing things I used to enjoy till I once again enjoy them, therefore continuing with my photography and reading.
