I am still desperately trying to find my way back from this depression. I went to therapy and photography class today but had to work hard to stop myself crying in class. Managed to walk the furthest in town my own today that I have for sometime, plus walked home from college without my headphones.
All through therapy I was wondering if I could hide. Absolutely drained now and want to hide again.
I haven't written my blog recently because I couldn't cope with a few reactions to it. But I'm writing it tonight because its 03:13 am and I have no one else to turn to. I have been crying on and off since 9pm and instead of decreasing my tears and distress are increasing. My depression has been on me from before christmas and I have lost my way out. I know I have been here before and have got out of it but this time I don't know how to. I read because I need to fill time, I do my photography because I have coursework to do but get no enjoyment from either. Even favourite tv programmes no longer provide a temporary release from my head. Tricks and things I have done before don't help.
I have been trying, going to therapy, taking my medications but none of it is helping. I feel so isolated so alone. I have heard depression refered to as a black dog that follows you but that doesn't describe it, to me its a duvet smothering me, covering me and which ever way I turn all I find is more duvet.
I despair for the future that I will spend the rest of my life living with one room which is mine, not knowing where or who to turn to. The system fills you full of medication and if you are lucky a short session of therapy and expects you to find your own way out.
I want my brain to stop thinking about cutting. I want a glimmer of hope for the future. I want to stop feeling society pressures, a society that prescribes what body shape you should have, how you should look, what your relationship should be like, and if you fall down in any of these then you are either to be pitied or to be despised.
I still want someone to tell me it will work out, that they are there for me.
